They say a bartender acts as a therapist. So, I decided to make it official. My only credentials involve listening to hundreds upon hundreds of people discuss their problems, over more years than I can admit. Let me wipe the bar down for you, put down a fresh coaster and pour you a drink. Pull up your stool and tell me all about it—I’ve heard it all. If you have a question, please email DiscountTherapist@Yahoo.com. You will remain anonymous. Remember, you get what you pay for.
Dear DiscountTherapist,
My partner of 27 years puts the toilet paper roll on the holder, with the top facing the wall. I put it on with the top facing outward. We DO NOT have cats, which is the only credible reason I have ever heard for doing it his way, since cats will turn and turn and turn with the T.P. faced outwards, the way I do it. But, again, we don’t have cats. Who is right?
Thank you,
John.
Dear John,
This is a timeless debate, one that has been the source of many a domestic dispute, long before the internet and advice columns were invented—a polarizing issue. First of all, I would like to point out that you are lucky to have a partner who is willing to put the toilet paper roll on the holder at all. In my years of experience, most seem to find this task challenging. It’s the easiest thing in the world, to press the little tension rod in, put it through the middle of the roll, press it again and pop it in. It seems so simple for some of us. Yet, others can’t seem to grasp it and they plop the new roll unceremoniously on the old roll or on the back of the toilet tank. Kudos to your partner, for removing the old roll and replacing it. They are clearly in the top percentile of dexterity and household engineering. I envy you, John. This person is a rare find.
Now, to brass tacks: how to hang the toilet paper roll. Which way is the correct way? There are entire internet forums dedicated to this, as well as countless memes. Can you believe this is what humans spend their time and brain power on? In order to settle the debate once and for all, I’ll direct you to the original 1871 U.S. Patent, filed by the Albany Perforated Wrapping Paper Company, who introduced the very first toilet paper roll. As the original diagram shows, the paper is to be hung away from the wall, hanging down in the front. Of course, there is an element of personal preference here—but, the roll was intended to hang as such.
I do not intend to cause any relationship unrest, unnecessary gloating or loarding over anyone in your household, John. But, in this instance, I deem you to be right.
Love,
DiscountTherapist
I have a question. So, my husband, our daughter and I are moving out of state next month and he has three other kids that are staying here (and will come to visit on holidays, as well as during summer break). They are young, but he wants a better life for us and our ten-month-old daughter. He knows that we’ll never be better off than we are now, where we currently live. Basically, I see it as him making a sacrifice to ensure a better future for all his kids. He and their mother don’t have any kind of relationship—he only communicates with her when it involves the kids. This is good, because she has caused so many problems for us in the past—some legal—and, we don’t need the stress of it.
The kids know that we are leaving. I talked to them about it a couple of weeks ago and they were excited to come visit for the summer and holidays. I think knowing that they are happy makes it easier for my husband. It is an amazing opportunity for us and we would both hate to pass it up. Even though he says he has taken a lot of time to think about it—and he’s totally okay with moving—I can’t help but feel that, at the last minute, he’s going to realize that maybe he doesn’t want to move. Every time I talk to him about it, he says the same thing—that he is okay with it. Should I just let it go and trust that this is what he wants too, or should I continue to talk to him about it? I feel like I’m bothering him with all these questions. I’m the type to over-analyze things and it’s annoying, but I feel like I can’t be too careful with this situation. It is completely life-changing, after all.
-MovingMom
Being a parent is the biggest and most difficult job we as humans take on. There is no manual, no magic formula, no rule book. Some rare few manage to do it very well, while others do a terrible job, with life-long consequences—most fall somewhere in between. Most parents make mistakes, look back and wish they had done something differently. None of us are perfect and very few of us make perfect parents. I think the very best things we can give a child are love, kindness, understanding, guidance and availability. That’s sort of where your dilemma comes in. It is a conflicting situation, to take away easy access of a parent to the child—or children—by moving to another state. I don’t know all the details of your exact situation, MovingMom. But, it sounds like this move is something that will be more of a positive for you and your new family—perhaps financially, maybe even location-wise—whatever the reason, I’m sure this decision wasn’t made on a whim. I’m sure there were a lot of co-parenting factors that came into consideration with the children’s mother. If they came to an arrangement and agreed on the move amongst themselves, then that’s what’s best for them and how they want to parent. Just remember to be careful in how much children are put upon to weigh in on adult decisions. Kids are very resilient, but also very perceptive. They shouldn’t be made to feel like they get to "decide" whether or not their dad moves. Children should never have a job, be used as pawns or be put in the middle of any two adults. They want to be loved and approved by all loving figures in their lives. Don’t make them feel obligated to choose among any of them.
On to your real question: you wrote about how you are concerned about how your husband may regret the decision—he very well may. It’s quite possible that he will want to move back. As his partner, you should be prepared to support this. If you feel strongly about something you wanted for your daughter, you should expect (and demand) he support you in your decision. Even when kids aren’t involved, moving to a brand new place can turn out to not be the best decision. It’s commendable to try it, but don’t be surprised if it maybe doesn’t work out. On the other hand, it may be the best thing you’ve done. Either way, it won’t be easy. This leads me to your other question—the one about asking him to explain his headspace and motivators for doing this. As your partner, he should be open to honest dialogue. Do not feel guilty for wanting to talk about it. This is your partner, your best friend and the father of your child—no conversation should be off limits. Ask your questions. Ask, until you are satisfied. You need to feel good about this move as much as he does—trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. I hope your move is successful. I hope you achieve the improvement in your quality of life that you are seeking. Just remember, MovingMom, you can always move back.
