If you live in Oregon, you’re probably used to getting high all year long. Christmas with the family? Get high. Thanksgiving alone at an Applebee’s? Get high. Rainy day? Better stay inside and get high. Cloudy day? Fine, let’s get high again.
But, what about sunny days? Sure, it seems like an obvious time of year to partake in some outdoor smoking. Yet, the laws governing cannabis use in Oregon (as well as Washington, Colorado and California) are most harsh when it comes to public consumption—especially in national parks, where federal marijuana laws are more likely to be applied than, say, at Sauvie Island or the Portland waterfront. You can possibly talk your way out of having a joint in the ashtray anywhere within Portland city limits, but good luck if you think that you can convince a park ranger outside of Estacada that it’s okay to light anything on fire during a heat wave—let alone a joint.
So, with the disclaimer that this is not legal advice (in fact, it’s probably really illegal and this column is for "entertainment purposes only" or whatever the people at the bong-’n’-dildo store have to say when they sell drug paraphernalia), let’s explore some places and settings that are safer-than-not, when it comes to outdoor smoking.
Normally, even thinking about marijuana within a mile of this small, historic Oregon town would get you locked up for a decade—and, that’s only if you’re white. But, for 4th Of July celebrations, the literal one-intersection-town (complete with a two-lane bridge that bottlenecks all traffic heading into town from across the river) has a draw of thousands upon thousands of people, considering the name of the town. The cool part is that Independence is surrounded mostly by forests and small streams that connect to the river. Much of this area, while normally off-limits to the public, temporarily becomes a free- for-all for visitors with lawn chairs, who decide to park wherever and break all sorts of locals-only laws (smoking cigarettes, jaywalking, etc.). Basically, for one of the five police officers employed by the town to take notice of you and your friends, hidden away in the bushes, while a gigantic cloud of patriotic smoke engulfs the town, you would really have to fuck up and draw attention to yourself. Thankfully, there will be a good half hour’s worth of loud explosions and colorful distractions, to keep everyone else distracted, while you toke a blunt next to the river—enjoying pretty colors and paranoid thoughts about the undertones of the holiday, given the current political climate.
Say what? A stretch of the Oregon coast not inhabited by rabid packs of middle-aged dog walkers and herds of their bratty kids? That’s right, thanks to Hwy 101 taking a pretty deep inland detour between Lincoln City and Seaside (the two most popular Oregon coast tourist trap towns), near Tillamook (a town with its own cheesy tourist traps...pun accidental), to keep the out-of-towners distracted from the secret beach I’m about to tell 75,000 people about. Oceanside, which is located directly west of Tillamook, is home to a few hotels and an ice cream shop, which seems to be closed year-round. After traveling down some twisty cliffside roads, you will arrive at the only parking lot in the town with beach access. Here, instead of heading "down" the coast, south, you will instead walk up, by taking a left once you arrive on the beach. It looks like you’re heading for a gigantic cliff—and, you are—but, this cliff has a tiny (but easy-to-access) walkway that will take you to a super-private beach. This area is not recommended for dogs, children or anyone who doesn’t mind getting temporarily trapped when high tide arrives. But, it’s easily the most secluded-yet-near-the-road spot of beach in Oregon. Plus, the one-way-in, one-way-out design of the cliff path means that you will be able to spot any potential, unwanted visitors, such as cops or those random packs of families visiting from overseas, who don’t seem to give a fuck about putting their kids or dogs into dangerous situations for a good photo opp.
This isn’t a spot for those of you looking to relax, breathe in the clean air and get to know some of the nice locals. However, if you don’t mind looking over your shoulder while inhaling the odor of piss and telling the same panhandler that you don’t have a cigarette four or five times over the course of a few minutes, then Chinatown is a perfect spot to smoke up outdoors. Why? Because, unless the cop who sees you spark a joint is racist or having a bad day (which does happen, but not as often as one would expect in a major city), you’re likely sharing a park bench with someone who is doing drugs far, far more dangerous than the stuff you bought at Purple Kush Family Dispensary & Daycare. Portland is a city of tolerance, so use that shit to its full advantage. Also, the "Oh, I didn’t know it was illegal to smoke" excuse has worked for me about 420 times this year alone. To the rest of the country, weed in Oregon is like guns in Texas or incest in Alabama; most visitors not only think it’s legal anywhere, but some even think it’s celebrated. Plus, if you’re like me and you don’t have a torrid past—but, you want to enjoy the stigma of being a "drug user," because it’s the only thing that attracts women half your age—being able to say that you "hung out in Chinatown all day, doing drugs" is always a good bump to your "hardcore" cred. Bonus points for Chinatown being the only place in Portland that you can smoke weed behind a dragon statue. This appeals to the sword-buying, D&D playing teen in all of us—you know, the one who paid for our first bag of seedy, shitty schwag weed. Ahh...memories.
