They say a bartender acts as a therapist. So, I decided to make it official. My only credentials involve listening to hundreds upon hundreds of people discuss their problems, over more years than I care to admit. Let me wipe the bar down for you, put down a fresh coaster and pour you a drink. Pull up your stool and tell me all about it—I’ve heard it all. If you have a question, please email DiscountTherapist@Yahoo.com. You will remain anonymous. Remember, you get what you pay for.
How do I love myself?
I feel if I loved myself, I would have confidence. I should achieve great things. I would have motivation. The internet says find something you’re good at, that everyone is good at something and to expand on it, knowing you have worth. I’m good at literally nothing. I’m pretty sure my friends don’t even like me— they just tolerate me. I feel guilty for wasting my life, but I have no idea of a direction, because I have no passion for anything anymore. Loving myself has to be the key, but how can you love something of no value?
Help...
-Cristobal
Dear Cristobal,
First, the bad news. Finding a true love of one’s self is a very common problem—one people spend plenty of money and hours wiled away in a therapist’s office trying to answer. There is no formula. There is no clear answer. Even if you are very good at something—or find a hobby you are passionate about—you may not love yourself. It’s a feature of low self-esteem, depression and often times anxiety, according to the resources out there. There is no cure for this. No amount of exercise, "self-care," positive affirmations, hikes, yoga or hydrating is going to change this. Neither will prescriptions, kale, bath bombs, facials or essential oils. Not to say those things aren’t a nice temporary distraction, but they are no solution. The first way to love yourself is to know that this is who you are. Beating yourself up constantly makes it worse, but you can’t help it. It’s brain chemistry and there’s little we can do to change that. Accepting it is the best way to love you. You love others for their flaws. You don’t expect others to be perfect. You aren’t either. That’s OKAY. It really is.
Now, the good. You may not know this, but most people feel this way. When people don’t feel this way, it’s usually classified as narcissism or a personality disorder. Most of us are walking around, feeling inadequate. Most of us wish we could be someone or something else. This is not to diminish your suffering, merely to point out that your feelings are not weird. You walk by people on the street, stand next to them at the grocery store, work amongst people that feel the exact same way you do. One of the saddest realizations of life is how fundamentally un-unique we all are. We were taught at a young age that we are all beautiful snowflakes. But, when it comes down to the actual nuts and bolts of the human brain, we are mostly the same. We want the same things, we suffer through the same struggles and we suffer from similar neurological defects. The beautiful invention of the internet has done nothing, if not made this all the more obvious.
Do not believe the ancient adage of "no one will love you, if you don’t love yourself." That is a load of crap. It’s the opposite. People who love themselves too much have no room for someone else to love them. Anyone who’s been in the unfortunate situation of loving a narcissist knows this. If you don’t love yourself, seeing yourself through someone’s eyes who loves you can be extremely positive. See yourself in a new light and not from the cage that is your own self-perception. I mean, why would they love you? They could love anyone, but they picked you. That’s valuable. You mentioned your friends. It’s the same thing. They literally don’t have to hang out with you. They don’t just "tolerate" you. They know you’re not perfect—they like you because they do. Don’t let anxiety force you into isolation. That tricky bitch will do it without you even realizing it.
What can you do? I can’t tell if I’m the perfect person for you to discuss this with or the worst, as I am the same way. I have been in therapy for years for this same thing, among others. I will share with you some things I have learned.
1. Don’t stop socializing. Ever.
Make sure you are around friends. If no one is available, go out alone. If you are not feeling great about yourself, ask active questions about those around you. It’s a social trick. People LOVE to talk about themselves. If you’re asking questions and listening, you will instantly be everyone’s favorite person to talk to. The best part? If you get good at it, you literally never have to talk about yourself. It’s refreshing to just hear someone else’s bullshit, when you have enough of your own. That’s why I bartend.
2. Allow yourself "you" days and don’t feel bad about it.
Do whatever you want to do. Don’t answer your phone. Don’t use social media. Go see that bad movie and eat unlimited bread sticks at Olive Garden...whatever it is. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to love yourself. Just know what the real you likes. Or needs. Get to know you. Don’t call it "self-care" or "treating yourself." Do for yourself what you would do for a loved one if they were sad. Think of it as watering a plant or power washing the driveway. It’s maintenance and it needs to be done.
3. There will be bad days—ones where you can’t stand yourself. You’ll over-analyze everything you said and did the day before and cringe out of your own skin. Ones where it’s hard to look in the mirror. It’s okay. Try to remember this is brain chemistry talking, not reality. If you can talk through the lows, you can enjoy the highs a bit more. Almost everyone is in the same boat. Some are better at faking it than others, that’s all.
4. If you can afford it, don’t be afraid to go to a therapist. I believe every single person can benefit from it. I guess that’s why I took this job. It helps to talk to someone who doesn’t live in your brain. If you can’t, that’s okay, too. Don’t be afraid to talk to those close to you and mention what you’re going through. You’d be surprised at how many people near you are feeling the same way and had no idea you were, too. You are human, Cristobal. Allow yourself to be. You bought the ticket, whether you wanted to or not. Take the ride.
In summation, I would start to love thyself by allowing acceptance. Know that you are not perfect and literally no one expects you to be. Love yourself by knowing your flaws and knowing what you’re capable of. Love yourself by loving others. Love yourself by allowing others to get to know you. You ARE valid. You DO belong. Your brain chemistry may fool you, but it’s a toxic liar.
Love,
DiscountTherapist
Hey DT,
My boss is basically a nice guy. He’s the owner of the business and in his 70s. He asked me to clean up our mailing list, which I did. We have over 1,000 contacts with emails only and he wants their mailing addresses. He’s instructed me to Google each contact and obtain either their home address or work address. Not only do I think this is a poor use of my time, it makes me very uncomfortable. These people chose not to share that info, and internet stalking them for it feels creepy. I’m just through the "As" and I’ve found several divorces and one guy was murdered. He has instructed me to use LinkedIn to find out where people work. These are things we shouldn’t know about our customers. Some of these contacts are six or seven years old. If I went into a store and six years later they Googled me to get my home and work address, I’d be pissed.
I’ve already told him once, I don’t feel like this is a task I should be spending time on, but he insists each contact is potentially worth $1,000 and, therefore, this list is a lot of money. I’m very new to this job and really need the money. If I tell him again that I don’t want to do this task I could be fired. At the very least, I’m creating an impression of being difficult. Perhaps I am projecting my own privacy needs onto this list. What should I do? Am I being stupid or is this an unethical task?
Thanks,
New Hire
Dear New Hire,
How much of our time in life is devoted to working for someone who is making us do something we don’t agree with for a paycheck? Far too much. I spent 17 years working in corporate retail, doing things I knew were wrong, wouldn’t work and pushed my ethical boundaries to the point that I walked out and became a bartender. I feel your pain. What you’re being tasked with sounds mind-numbing and frankly a little antiquated. No job is going to go without pointless busywork. At my current station, my limes have to be cut an exact certain way, with a very specific thickness, even though people grabbing a drink literally don’t give a shit. It doesn’t make us any more or less money, how the limes appear yet it is considered very important. Important only to the boss who decided it is, so much of my time is devoted to that when I could be doing so many other things. I’m sure you relate.
On to your concerns. Is what you’re doing illegal? I took a few days to do some research for you on this. According to everything this humble journalist could find, the answer is "no." A firm and confident no. Right now, we are in an age where the internet is still in its infancy. With that, comes many gray areas. We are still trying to establish laws to regulate the internet, what can and cannot be out there and how it’s presented. Many court proceedings are currently tied up on the issues of privacy, slander, defamation, dark web sales, sex trafficking, sex work and cyber-bullying. Right now, the internet is the Wild Wild West and we are trying to establish rules without crossing the line of censorship. It’s a fascinating time, one that probably won’t find its way in our lifetime and no one really knows what they’re doing. With all that going on, as it stands a person’s personal information posted online is a matter of public record. It is not illegal to Google anyone and use the information you find. It only becomes illegal when a person purposely removes it from public record and someone uses software or other means to recover it. Think of it as this: garbage in your house is your private property, but once it’s on the curb it’s for anyone to grab. This will change as time goes on. There is a lot of controversy regarding Google street view—and, with good cause. People don’t feel like anyone with an internet connection should be able to see a satellite image of anyone’s house or property. We’ll have to wait and see how that plays out. Anyway, right at this state and time, Googling addresses is NOT illegal. Your employer is not asking you to do anything wrong.
Now that we’ve talked about the legality, let’s talk about the morality. Is it weird and intrusive? Yes. You mentioned you learned personal information about some of the people that you had to research and you felt like you were overstepping into their lives. You were, but, unfortunately, the internet of right now allows it. When I met my current partner, I popped them into a basic Google search. This is common this day and age. Through an absolutely free website, I was able to see their age, their school records, their business licenses, their parents, siblings, children and full info on their former spouse. On a free website. Immediately after, I felt bad. I didn’t need to know their ex-wife’s birthday. I was just checking for bad stuff, but all that information was just there. It exists out there about you too. You feel like you are intruding and you are...sort of. If you wouldn’t be looking this shit up, the next person hired would be. 1984 is here, New Hire. We, the little people, can’t stop it.
My advice to you is to just turn part of your brain off. Every single job you have, you’ll be dealing with bullshit. Selling some crap you know no one needs, busy work that is pointless, corporate compliance to line the pockets of the higher-ups, off the back of your lower-paid labor. It never ends. Even if you open your own business, you’ll be dealing with higher powers that be in the form of permitting, taxes, lawsuits, etc. Sit there, Google the damned information, collect a paycheck. Don’t complain. If it sucks the soul out of you, quietly look for something else. You need this job. Don’t be difficult. I also suggest you do what I do when I’m at work, hating what I’m doing: remind yourself that you have a job— one that doesn’t require you to do something horrendous, like work in a slaughterhouse. Remind yourself that you get to sit at a desk and work, rather than stand for long hours in a warehouse or work in a field. I’m not trying to "dad" you or make the vapid argument that "things could always be worse." I’m just saying, there are many a Friday night where I have to put my latex gloves on and go clean alcohol- scented barf out of the bar bathroom. While I’m doing it, I remind myself that as shitty as this may be it is better than working myself to the bone back in a suit in the corporate world and I feel grateful.
