Summer’s here again, and here in the Pacific Northwest, there is a considerable uptick in yard sales, as it’s really the only time of the year that can be counted on to not rain. The same thing goes for sales volume on Craigslist and other similar "garage sale" web services. That said, there exists a certain set of protocols—dos and don’ts for each of these, and it goes well beyond merely knowing that you are allowed to haggle. It’s time to put on your best T-shirt, groom your mustache and go looking to score your summer bargains...but, not without first reading through this list.
Do make sure your personal odor is suitable to the occasion.
You can’t attend a yard sale and expect to get the best bargains, unless you smell in such a way that, when negotiating prices, they’ll agree with anything just to get you OUT of there. I recommend not wearing deodorant, eating curry in a truck-stop bathroom and possibly rolling in something dead beforehand. They call this the "Haggler’s Edge."
Don’t risk a bad fit on clothes.
Yard sales usually have plenty of clothing items for sale. However, unlike other clothing vendors, there are no tags, stickers, wrapping or security guards to deal with. Seize this opportunity to try things on, right there in the yard. If they put it out there and don’t offer a changing facility for privacy reasons, then the law* states that you can do anything necessary to confirm the fit, right there in the driveway. Most such yard sales also have a mirror or two in the for-sale offerings, which you can strut and pose in front of.
Do bring change.
I don’t mean change which concerns societal notions about hygiene or your bold choice of attire—not at all. You see, yard sales are notorious for not having an adequately-stocked cash box. Be sure to bring pockets full of loose coinage. If you’re sly, you can even include Chuck E. Cheese tokens and similar pseudo-currency, to try and pass them off as those gold dollar coins.
Don’t be a square.
Yard sales are a bonanza, but sellers are less likely to cut you the sweetest deals, if you seem encumbered by the weight of the world. In other words, show up drunk, high or otherwise in a state of altered consciousness. Your view of the "real" prices becomes evident only after you have eaten a handful of magic mushrooms, so chow down. Also, this will help stimulate a good conversation between you and the items themselves. They have secrets. Secrets that can only be told to the chosen few who can speak their language. Be sure to have a lengthy conversation with each item, in case it’s concealing a hidden history of immense value from everyone but you.
Do bring children.
Your kids (or any kids you can borrow or otherwise find around) are great shoppers. Especially, if you teach them a few handy tips and tricks beforehand, such as how to steal things when the sellers are distracted by you making a loud, obnoxious scene as you excitedly hump their collection of Peter Frampton vinyl.
Don’t leave empty-handed.
As a show of good faith, be sure to purchase something, even if they don’t have anything you were particularly interested in. Baby clothes, for example, are usually cheap. It will greatly flatter the seller when you purchase a wad of onesies and proceed to crumple them up, shove them into your face and breathe in, acting like the smell just gave you an orgasm. This will fill the seller with joy and you’ll have done your part to help them have a productive sales event.
Do implement effective product placement.
Be sure to put your heavy furniture all the way at the front of the sale, to attract attention from the curb. Arrange clothing items into sexy, sexy piles. Customers love the fun of rooting through various heaps, in order to find things. Bonus points if nothing is cleaned or washed before being put up for sale.
Don’t have change.
It builds community—and stimulates sales—when you don’t have a lot of change. Most customers show up for purchase with sacks of coins, so you’re probably set anyhow, but if not, you’ll get plenty of opportunity to "hold the item while [they] go to the ATM and get cash." This holding earmarks the item as valuable and you can try to sell it for even more to the next person who wonders why that item is set aside.
Do sell refreshments.
People shopping yard sales usually go to several over the course of a day. They’re tired, hot and generally thirsty, hungry or anything in between. This is why it’s a great idea to have a well-marked-up cooler of sodas, gatorade, beer and whiskey on hand. The law says that if it’s a yard sale, you don’t need a liquor license. You can even sell cocaine, consequence-free, so long as you don’t have yard sales more than once a month. That’s the law!**
Do have a backup plan.
Everyone knows that the purpose of the yard sale is to get rid of the junk that’s been laying around your house or garage, which has no appreciable value in any other context. However, if, at the end of your weekend, your collection of Chinese knock-off beanie babies and VHS copies of Roadhouse go unsold, you’d better have some idea of what to do next. Goodwill donations are fine, but then you have to bag it and get it all appraised by the skinflints there—you can often lose more in time than you get back in tax write-offs. This is where the dumpster behind Arby’s comes in. Sneak your former wares into their massive, meat-swollen dumpster in the wee hours of the night and nobody’s the wiser. It’s really win- win.
And now, a special nod to Craigslist...
Do be vague.
Have grainy pictures of what you’re trying to sell. Make the description as poorly-worded and directionless as possible. People who buy things sight unseen truly enjoy using their imagination when trying to determine if what you’re selling is right for them. It’s a game!
Don’t post a price.
Like I said in the first item, people love to guess (or even make an offer without knowing anything about what you expect to be paid for what you’re selling). Saying "all reasonable offers will be considered" rules out people trying to bargain their collection of chocolate Easter coins...right? Just leave it out there and watch people step on themselves to try and make an exorbitant, blind offer on your "custom" 2003 PT Cruiser.
Do ghost.
If you say you’re going to be somewhere at a particular time, remember that this is optional—you can pretty much show up if you feel like it and you’re not obligated to offer any kind of forewarning or apology. Your time is more valuable, and sellers understand this, even if you’ve committed verbally, in email and signed some kind of pact in blood.
Don’t be afraid to make unconventional offers.
It’s a funny world we live in. One man’s trash is oftentimes another man’s treasure. Therefore, it’s perfectly reasonable to offer an exchange of your priceless collection of Franklin Mint commemorative plates (yes, even your Alf cast plates), for such humdrum goods as major appliances, audio/video equipment or even fine automobiles. You never know—and, just making the offer will often provoke the interest of an otherwise cash-focused seller.
So, there’s my advice. Use these tools wisely and the world is your oyster...or whatever other mollusk you can get a solid deal on.
Happy hunting.
* I’m pretty sure.
** Double pretty sure.
