As the temperature rises this summer, we’ll all be looking for ways to escape the heat. An always popular destination to waste away a long Sunday afternoon is the beach—I prefer the "clothing optional" ones, because there’s nothing like being spied on from the bushes by creepy old men, to make you feel like a million bucks. I have noticed some faux pas and poor choices on my many excursions there, so for those of you who are curious to know the ropes of fitting in on the nude beach, I present them for you here.
Do always critique everyone’s physique loudly. Bring a clipboard, if you think of it. Follow people around making disapproving "tsks" and scribbling notes. People wouldn’t come to a nude beach if they didn’t want to be reviewed and analyzed, and you’re nothing, if not a servant of the people.
Don’t bring drugs or alcohol. This will get you booted almost immediately. I recommend in-taking heroic quantities of both before you arrive. This will make sure your inhibitions are lowered enough to run around smacking every ass you can, with paint-*covered hands.
Do tape off large portions of your body into offensive words or symbols. You rarely get an opportunity to represent your dislike of Turks or your passion for double anal in such a dramatic way, so make sure you get creative and speak your mind through your tan lines.
Don’t bring a camera. Naked people will get super mad if you take their picture without asking—I know from experience and a visit to the ER. Just use your phone to photograph everyone, and if anyone asks, just say you’re playing Words With Friends (then post all of them on social media later).
Do bring a canister of ashes from your fire pit and pretend that you’re scattering a dead relative. It’s a fun prank to loudly mourn and pretend to reassure "Grandpa Joe." That he’s where he wanted to be, surrounded by T&A. Make sure some of the ashes blow onto some of the beachgoers. This works at normal beaches, too, but it’s more fun to watch nude people dance around trying to get Grandpa Joe out of their hair, than it is at bathing suit-clad beaches.
Don’t go without your sock garters. What other opportunity could you possibly have to show them off? Accessorizing with quirky wigs, fake beards, horse head masks and costume jewelry is also fun. Best of all, though, is if you have a full-body Spiderman costume and you just cut out the genital region. Whatever you do, just make sure to leave an impression!
Do creepily hand out bottles of sunscreen to people. Chuckle softly, as you hand them to your chosen victims. Wear a trench coat and large sunglasses. It’s completely innocent (and, actually, pretty generous). But, if you try hard enough, you can make people deeply uncomfortable with your helpful acts.
Don’t ask someone’s gender. We all know that sort of thing isn’t okay anymore. Instead, stare openly. Follow people at an awkwardly close distance or bring binoculars and use them from six feet away. This way, you can know for sure.
Do try to start an orgy. That’s why half the people are there, anyhow. Just make sure there aren’t any authority figures around (or, if there are, they’re in on it), because they’ll put the kibosh on it right quick. Spoilsports, the whole lot! Last year, we all had to spend the night in jail, because that ecstasy-fueled group sex was spilling over onto the normal beach and "traumatizing the children."
Don’t bring farm animals. It seems like a good idea, and in principle, it is. Here’s the thing, though—every time I’ve brought a horse (to ride majestically like Lady Godiva) or a pot-bellied pig (just because), it’s gone sour. The horse kicked an old man in the caboose, and the pig became irrationally upset, after I tried to ride it (I know). It bit me and ran off. I’m still fighting an aggressive antibacterial resistant infection.
Do hand out religious literature—the more orthodox and stricter, the better. But, make sure to do it in the nude.
Don’t laugh. Human bodies are weird, it’s true—but, so is yours. Instead of laughing, try crying or shrieking in terror and fleeing at the sight of someone’s unsightly armpit hair. Being laughed at isn’t nearly as haunting as making someone weep openly.
Do use the opportunity to build your conversational skills. See how many times you can make unwanted sexual innuendos in conversation with strangers and have them be just vague enough that they can’t be offended—but, just suggestive enough to make them uncomfortable.
Don’t barbecue in the buff. Sharing sausage dogs on the beach with friends is great, but grease burns are real and all that exposed skin is an invitation for massive burn trauma (unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case, good for you).
Do start your political career there. There are already a bunch of people around, and the photos of you giving a campaign speech in a top hat with a megaphone (and nothing else) will keep you relevant and viral for months.
Remember, this etiquette guide is just an outline, but it’s never led me wrong. So, I recommend following it as close to the letter as you can.
