They say a bartender acts as a therapist. So, I decided to make it official. My only credentials involve listening to hundreds upon hundreds of people discuss their problems, over more years than I care to admit. Let me wipe the bar down for you, put down a fresh coaster and pour you a drink. Pull up your stool and tell me all about it—I’ve heard it all. If you have a question, please email DiscountTherapist@Yahoo.com. You will remain anonymous. Remember, you get what you pay for.
I am self-destructive and self-sabotaging. I sometimes just won’t do things, because I’m afraid of failure. The thing is, I know exactly why I’m like this—I know all the reasons, but it just doesn’t help me get over these feelings. Sometimes, I just quit before I begin. I think I need someone to push me, challenge me and force me to commit. I know that person should be me, but I just can’t do it. The self-sabotage is a killer, because I will always find a way to justify putting things off, even when a critical deadline approaches. I’ve made some improvements—I no longer have a panic attack at the thought of having to pick up the phone to talk to someone, but that doesn’t mean I like talking to people...I don’t even go out...I hate crowds and interacting. So, any advice?
Dear Sabatoge,
Oh, how I can relate to what you have written. I have been doing the same since I was very young. I pay for health insurance, yet don’t go to the doctor. I pay for a gym membership and go through long periods of not going there, either, even though it’s good for me. I deprive myself of sleep, feeding myself well and hydrating. I live in a shit hole, even though I could maybe afford better. Why am I like this? After years of therapy, I’m still not sure. That means the answer won’t be easy for you, either.
I also wanted someone to push me. I very actively sought out a partner who is more successful, more put together and more intelligent than me. He sees right through all my bullshit and calls me out on it. I thought that’s what I needed, but I’ve found myself hiding things and self-sabatoging even more. Also, resenting him, even though he’s just trying to help. His advice is really thoughtful and appropriate, still I don’t act. Why? I cannot explain why our brains do this to ourselves. I’ve come to understand that this particular behavior is a feature of anxiety and depression. More acutely, it’s a form of body dysmorphia. The illness where you look in the mirror and don’t see what others do. The one where you think you are hideous. You look in the mirror and see things that aren’t there. It’s a mild offshoot of that. Where you think you don’t deserve things. You punish yourself, in essence—depriving yourself of things you know others need. You won’t give them to yourself. The brain is complex. We don’t know why these defects occur. The only thing we know is that most brains are depressingly similar. These problems occur so often, with so many people—it’s sad how alike we all are as humans—but, can’t seem to find a way to unite. Bottom line, you are not unusual and this is a common problem. I’m sure this is of little comfort.
How do we work on this? The bad news is that working on yourself and going against your natural instincts is very hard work. Harder than you’ll imagine. We are creatures of habit, and once you form one, it is incredibly hard to break. If you truly want change for yourself, you need to be willing to work—hard—and be uncomfortable. You also have to look hard at yourself, which is the thing you’ve neglected the most. It won’t be fun. You’ll have to break your rut. You have to really want it, though. You need to be able to look yourself in the mirror and honestly say you can’t live like this anymore. You may not be there yet. You may never be there and that’s okay. I’m going to list some things you can consider actively changing, starting now—some are simple, some more involved. It’s up to you, to decide what is realistic for you and your life.
* Look at your life and pick just one thing that you wish you can change. Something others seem to have a handle on, but you just can’t seem to do. Doing laundry regularly, flossing, vacuuming once a week...whatever it is. Pick just one thing and commit to doing it. Prove to yourself that you can set a goal and achieve it. It goes so far. If you end up not being consistent, try again. Keep trying until you succeed. Change is a long game. The reason why New Year’s resolutions don’t work is because you can’t change five things all at once, when change is hard. You’re not going to sign up for skydiving lessons tomorrow to battle your fear of heights. Start with just the one little thing. When you continue to do it consistently, enjoy how much easier your day-to-day is because of it. The next thing will be much easier.
* You don’t have to love yourself right now. You can try to inject some positivity in your life. When things around you are good, it’s probably because you’re a good person. Sometimes, it’s good to recognize that. This may sound like some hippie-dippy shit. Trust me, I’m the most cynical person in the world, when it comes to that. I was challenged in therapy to wake up every day and take a minute to list things in my head that are going well. It can be as basic as "I HAVE A JOB, I HAVE A PARTNER WHO LOVES ME (WHO ALSO ISN’T PERFECT), I’M ABLE TO PAY RENT..." It sounds stupid, but self-love comes from its foundation. You wouldn’t have those things, if you weren’t a great person who has things to offer.
* Force yourself to do something selfish, even if you believe it’s undeserving. Lock yourself in a room and play that favorite record, undisturbed. Have a you day. Buy yourself a nice pair of shoes and enjoy how much more comfortable you are. You won’t believe it at first, but being nice to yourself is more worth it than anything. You only get this one life, and at the end of it, you’ll face it alone. You are your best friend. Treat yourself as such.
* Therapy always helps anyone, no matter the problem. If you can afford it, go. I know when you’re not taking care of yourself, it’s hard to invest in this kind of service, but it can help. Insight, perspective and understanding—it’s more valuable than gold. If you can’t afford it, that’s okay too. There are other ways to gain inner perspective.
At least you are recognizing the need for change by reaching out. That’s well more than half the battle.
Why do they call the little candy bars "fun sizes"? Wouldn’t it be more fun to eat a big one? Dear Candy Conundrum, I fully agree with you, that a smaller piece of candy may not be as fun as a full-sized one. Let’s get that out of the way. Few, if offered, would select the smaller version. The name "fun sized" is not going to ever go away, however, as it is trademarked. Since we won’t stop seeing it, let’s try to point out some things that are fun about them.
1. A 2014 article in The Huffington Post pointed out that, sometimes, the ratio of chocolate-to-various-fillings is better in the miniature form. This article asks you to consider this, especially in the case of the Crunch Bar, Mounds and Butterfinger bars. The article also points out that certain bars lose their magic when shrunk down—such as Twizzlers and the Snickers bar—for the same ratio reason. The article doesn’t mention it, but I will absolutely mow down a handful of mini Mr. Goodbar. It’s so much better in mini form—probably because the peanuts can’t be mini for the fun size and they can’t get any bigger for the full size. It just works. We also have to consider freshness. Mini bars usually only occur around Halloween. A full-sized Crunch or Mr. Goodbar may sit on the shelves for eons, by the time they are purchased. No one likes when the chocolate is old and gets all white and weird.
2. Variety! When you buy a bag of fun-sized candy bars, rather than eating one really big thing of all the same stuff, you can eat a lot of different stuff (well, not a lot, but still...). Based on ounces and calories, four or five fun-sized bars equals one full-sized bar. This will depend on the individual bars, of course, but you get the idea. I would much rather eat four or five different candy bars. That’s just my personal preference. There’s not one candy bar that I feel is so perfect, that only that one will do. I’m sure the fact that I rarely eat candy plays a factor into this opinion. If I’m going to do it, I want to taste it all.
3. Guilt. Perhaps someone is struggling with weight issues, health issues or even just trying to cut out empty calories. When the craving strikes, a tiny chocolate is a hell of a lot better than scarfing a pint of ice cream. That little taste in those instances is fun.
4. People like tiny foods. Think of the mini muffin, baby carrot, cupcake, bagel bite and sliders. Why? Maybe people feel like they aren’t eating as much, or maybe it’s that they’re somehow getting more, because there are multiple things on the plate? Easier to eat? Fun for tiny child hands? Who knows? If you’ve ever seen how baby carrots are made, you’ll know that the fixation with tiny foods is real, because that particularly laborious process exists and somehow the demand makes it worth it.
5. Baking needs. Have you ever had a cake or cupcake that had forgone the need for common sprinkles and cherries, then topped that shit off with mini candy bars? For no reason other than that, they have a right to exist (and, yes, that does indeed make them fun). Of course, we can focus on the negatives: cost versus size, amount of trash produced from all the little wrappers and outer packaging, ease of meltability and year-round availability. These are valid. I’d like to point out that candy was never made to sustain anyone. It was solely made because it tastes good. Candy was made for fun, therefore candy of any size is, indeed, fun.
