It’s summer—at long last—and summer brings the craving for adventure and excitement. People grab their families, friends or court-ordered supervisors and head out to see what thrills they can find at many of America’s (or possibly Canada’s) amusement parks. The usual attractions of Disneyland, Disney World, Disney Reich and Six Flags are great and provide top-flight entertainment...but, they also cost hundreds of dollars for a day’s admission and are crowded—ensuring hours-long waits for everything but the damn teacups. There are a host of other little-known gems, which don’t have quite the mainstream appeal, but are nevertheless fine places for the discriminating individual to spend an afternoon. So, load up the car, sedate the kids and head off to some of the nation’s more obscure amusement destinations.
Just off the highway, following the Goiter Grove exit, is Iowa Joe’s. They take the corn maze concept and run wild with it, creating a vast series of confusing, interconnected pathways with pure corn walls. Featuring over five linear miles of corn corridors, sprawled over dozens of acres of once-pristine farmland, Iowa Joe’s features corn, corn, corn and more corn. The only facilities inside the giant maze are occasional first aid kits, plus stands which sell corn dogs and corn whiskey—both made fresh on premises. After an hour or so of tromping through the corn and a jug of corn whiskey in you, you’ll get to the middle—a wide, open area in the corn where staff members in giant corn costumes taunt visitors and record the inevitable fights (and crying children). For a nominal fee, which you’ll pay to avoid arrest by a bought-and-paid-for on-site Sheriff, you’ll get your very own custom Blu-Ray of the events in the middle, as an enduring souvenir of the trip, which you can treasure until the next big disc format change renders your memories finally inaccessible to your kids.
Do you like sausage? Do you like seeing it get made? Well, come on down to Sausage World. Men in more-than-slightly-creepy pig masks silently escort you on a tour of the Sarcoma County Sausage Factory. Stay within the painted lines of the tour or the pig-masked staff will start screeching and pointing their fingers accusingly, until you get back on track. Watch the magical journey a pig takes, in real time, as it enters the processing center, the kill floor, the conveyor, the grinder and, finally, the sausage press. Your family will forever remember their experience, as they get five pounds of sausages, in a box marked with the name they gave the pig as it entered the processing center, and, boy, is it deee-licious!
Located on in Atlanta, Georgia, on Carter street, just west of the Georgia Dome, lies this fantastic attraction. Featuring a workshop where you can build your own pimp cup, a ride that emulates what it’s like after you sip too much lean and an entertaining educational ride taking participants on a journey through the history of bling. Gaze in wonderment, at the two-story high, animatronic Lil’ Jon and behold, as his cup runs over and splashes down. First six rows will get wet! Finish out your day in the parking lot, where you’ll be robbed at knifepoint by people who look suspiciously like staff members you saw near the entrance. Fun for ages six and up!
Adult entertainment star, Ron Jeremy, has invested in a theme park centered around the tool of his profession—that is to say, his mighty weiner. This roughly two-hour, safari-style, drive-through ride has people take their own cars through several acres of pristine scrubland, where gargantuan statues of his wang, in amusing and bewildering predicaments, are the centerpiece of each segment of the experience. Oddly enough, this is billed as "family entertainment," so grab the kids and watch a summary of Mr. Jeremy’s career displayed in macro format. Avoid the suggestive hotdogs—the cream filling is apparently an acquired taste.
As you make your way through Urban Decayville, you’ll see the remnants of a once bright-and-shining example of what was, for a time, a gem in the United States landscape. Illustrating the neglect of recent decades, it’s a thrill-a-minute, as you navigate through crime-ridden neighborhoods and watch formerly-proud buildings fall to pieces right in front of you...wait...you can’t fool me, Detroit! You just sent me a travel brochure with an amusement park name written over the title in Sharpie! Still, prices are reasonable.
After paying the very modest admission fee, you’ll be guided to a bleak landscape of hunger and rock-breaking, at the tips of staff members’ bayonets. There’s an animatronic rendition of Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who cheerfully waves and smiles as you pass him on your train car. As you participate in the activities of the gulag ride, you’ll discover that you are, in fact, helping to build the new gift shop and other park amenities. Only once your work is complete, will you be allowed to leave, and you’ll be left guessing as to whether the people collapsing in front of you and being beaten are actually other guests or just park employees play acting. At the end of your experience, you’ll be given a photo of the rides, with you edited out of them after the purge ride is complete.
Filled to the brim with realistic habitats and dangerous animals, Cowboy Carl’s Reverse Petting Zoo keeps you on your toes, by constantly reminding you that there are no guard rails, barriers, windows or anything else, to stop the menagerie of creatures from trying to take a bite out of you. Yes, alligators, crocodiles, snapping turtles, hippos, cougars and even a very angry horse are all part of the interactive fun, which you try to get out of in one piece. Don’t bring the slow kid and be sure to bring your own pen, to sign the 16-page indemnity waiver. Soon, you’ll be having a truly unique time that few can claim to have survived.
So there it is, seven alternatives to just deciding to go to Enchanted Forest and drop acid again.
Enjoy your summer.
