Look, I’m sure you think you’re the most educated and beautiful audiophile on this planet. You may have a meticulously cultivated music collection— probably on vinyl. You’ve seen So-And-So back in 19-Something- Something (before they were famous) and you know better than everyone in the room. You feel you know what music sucks, what music is absolutely un-listenable and you believe your particular generation invented good music. I mean, do you even truly understand music, if you haven’t mansplained it to some poor girl you got to come home with you, to hang out on your mattress on the floor, fitted with the sheet you haven’t washed in six months? [Ed: I take personal offense to this statement.] Kids these days, am I right? I assure you, this isn’t true. The person sitting next to you believes they know best, as well. Be it a DJ, a bartender, restaurant or at a friend’s house...DON’T ASK TO CHANGE THE MUSIC. Don’t. If you feel the urge to do this, you are a douchebag.
Selecting music for an environment is a delicate art. As a bartender, I’m here to put booze in cups, keep shit clean and make sure everyone is having a safe (and fun) time. I also have to provide the atmosphere—this includes music. I have to read the room, time of day and vibe, then pick something that will make people want to hang out and spend more money. It’s not about what I personally like. I have to guess what they would like. It’s not easy and takes practice. If I put on something that isn’t fitting for the vibe, people will leave and go spend their money elsewhere. There’s no shortage of bars in Portland. That means less money in my pocket—so, we take this very seriously. We, who work here, are also people. too. We need to be sober and dealing with all manner of bullshit, so we need something on in the background that makes it easier. It’s a delicate balance and an important one. YOU, the customer, do not get a say in this. YOU are not working for tips. YOU don’t know what the majority of the room would enjoy. I have trialed and erred this place to a science. Also, if you’re that sensitive to music, perhaps you’d prefer drinking in your living room, at home. What the hell makes you so special, that you think you can walk up to the bartender or DJ and ask them to change the music? Who the hell do you think you are? Why is what YOU want more important than anyone else? Why don’t you just go drink your fucking drink??? That’s why we’re here.
It’s your birthday. I know this, because you announced it to me, in hopes of free drinks, even though I’ve never seen you before. You’re mad, because I didn’t give them to you, even though I have to pay for my own drinks here. It’s a business, not your buddy’s house. After your fourth round of sugar-rimmed lemon drops, you ask me to put on a song for Ashleigh’s birthday and I give you a firm no. Your jaw drops. You cannot believe I would deny you. It’s a very important birthday, after all. You tell me you’ll "tip me extra" if I play that Beyoncé song, and again I tell you no. You get mad, cash out, stiff me on a tip and leave. So, why was I so stubborn? Because, if I cut the music, it will disrupt everyone else. Suddenly, the background everyone was drinking and enjoying themselves to changes. Also, now everyone in the bar knows that requests are an option. I now spend the rest of my night looking up songs and playing them, rather than pouring booze in cups (which is why I’m there). Fuck your birthday. Fuck your wedding. If that song was so important for you to hear, you’d have it on your phone and a pair of headphones with you. Guess what? You’re probably not the only birthday in my bar right now. You are not special—at all. Just drink your drink and hang out. Me playing that song absolutely wouldn’t make your night any better. But, it will surely make mine much worse.
Guess what, asshole...we like music, too. Having to play music while you work, every time you work, will make you hate it. Work sucks. Unpleasant things happen while you’re working and you associate it with the music playing at the time. You know, like getting weapons pulled on you, cleaning up vomit and 86’ing people. That means we play music we sorta like, but not our really personal shit that strikes a chord with us—we save that for our off time, when your drunk ass isn’t in our face. I don’t want to talk, discuss or dissect anything that’s playing. It is very much background noise that is necessary. That is all. I literally pick a universally liked band— based on my trials and errors—and let Spotify generate a playlist around it, so it’ll play my entire shift and not think about it again. That’s it. If you hear that deep cut Talking Heads song you haven’t heard since college, you are definitely welcome to enjoy it, but don’t feel the need to come up to the bar to discuss it. Absolutely don’t request for me to play more off that album. I literally don’t give a shit and wasn’t listening anyway.
Everyone has particular tastes about everything. Being a dick about music doesn’t make you special. It’s just personal preference. That’s all. All music is enjoyed by somebody. Just because it’s not for you, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. When you come into my bar and ask for the music to change, that is incredibly rude. What if that song playing was my favorite? Or somebody else’s? It’s like getting invited over for dinner and you got served my grandmother’s special lasagna, but you were hoping for salmon. Would you ask my grandma to go back to the kitchen and make that for you, instead? Of course not. So, why are you fucking doing it in my bar? If you are that damned sensitive to music in your environment, might I suggest noise-canceling headphones? We have this technology now. Ear plugs, maybe? Or, drink at home, where you and your precious music collection can hang out with each other, all alone.
