I won’t name names, but I recently performed at a kitschy little spot downtown called The Big Legrowlski. Nothing particularly wrong with this venue, except that it was clearly an idea that sprung from lots of cocaine with close friends, sitting around a couch late at night. We all have these talks (sometimes without cocaine) and then they are quickly forgotten in the morning after the hangover wears off.
"Duuuuude, remember that Coen Brother’s movie? Like...what if we had a whole bar that was like, based on that movie?"
Okay, maybe they were stoned, not high on blow.
"Yeeeeh, and like, we’ll sell white Russians and, like, all the drink names will be references to the movie,"
"Shiiit yeah, and then we’ll, like, sell that sweater he wears as like a touristy thing."
"Dudes, dudes...I got it, it’s a tap house, right, and we’ll fill growlers there, too, and call it ’The Big LeGROWLski.’ "
Uproarious laughter ensues.
Great idea, right? But, you don’t actually expect these guys to go through with it! Someone in that conversation had mad stacks. Anyhow, if a bar built around references to a 1998 sleeper hit film is a possibility in Portland, then anything is. Hell, at least The Tardis Room (*cough* Future Bar) and Lovecraft have a broader-reaching aesthetic. Fuck it, let’s get really obscure—this is Portland!
Below are four solid gold ideas that any rich manchild out there is welcome to use, for Portland’s next hottest meat market. God knows Portland needs more of those. And, I’m not being flippant! If a place hosts live music of any kind, I couldn’t care less what gimmick they use to get trust fund hipsters in the door. Behold!
If there can be a 1984-themed bar, why the hell not a Brave New World-themed bar? In fact, I implore you bored family fortune heirs to put it right across the street from the Victory Lounge! A rivalry can start, á la The Acropolis and Casa Diablo II! It will be Buzzfeed headline gold, I tell ya. The thing is, Soma Lounge can go all in, where Victory Lounge is only half-cocked, with their epoch-blended propaganda and clever drink names. Soma Lounge should be a full-on swingers joint, that also sells salvia (if that’s still legal). Hopefully, by the time this article comes out, MDMA will be re-legalized and there will be pill dispensers of it there. If that fantasy can’t come true, at least a titular Soma cocktail, that would be like a long island ice tea, but loaded with CBD soda and then Red Bull or some shit. Gold, I tell ya.
I guarantee this will be a wildly successful haunt for nativist hipsters, who moved here ten years before the transplants they are complaining about. Imagine a gawdy, brightly colored homage to the state that everyone in Portland loves to shit on the most. I’m talking cheesy art installations resembling the Golden Gate Bridge and the Hollywood sign. Overpriced cocktails, with names like The Apple, The Facebook and The Google. Just as hipster douchebags "ironically" listen to Lady Gaga, so too will the true Portlanders flock to this pastel-colored hate train of the state that produces practically all of Portland’s cultural imports. Money in the bank! I advise the owner to only book A.M.-friendly yacht rock and west coast G-funk groups, in order to maintain a consistent vibe.
A pansexual strip-club-slash-music-venue, where literally anything goes. Debauchery that would make C.C. Slaughters’ patrons blush and enough polyamorous flirtations that scare people back to The Velvet Rope. Every possible dot on the gender spectrum is on display, on the poles that flank the rainbow-blasted stage. Nobody will be excluded from this all-inclusive fuckfest. Unfortunately, that will be the downfall of this borderless, human-on-human smorgasbord. The Chads and Kyles will find out and hear that there might be naked, cis gender females there, who want to have sex. Then, they will invade in droves—overtime—and stand in the corner, lecherously watching, before date raping enough poor gals there to give the place a bad rap. Then, it will get shut down. Still, you’ll make a shit ton of money before the eventual bro-pocalypse.
A present to you, the ultimate bar-slash-venue-slash-meeting place for Antifa members, as well as a hot brunch spot. Can you think of a more Portland concept for maximum crossover appeal? Extreme leftist propaganda decorating the walls, while being serenaded by family-friendly, blue-eyed soul. I picture a Mt. Rushmore-esque bust behind the stage, featuring Lenin, Mao, Hall and Oates—but, not necessarily in that order. This establishment would obviously only sell alcoholic milkshakes. Vegan milkshakes, of the oat variety, of course. While this respectable venue won’t necessarily encourage you to chuck your overpriced boozy shake at fascist enablers, they do have a stack of to-go cups at the exit and what happens outside the bar is none of their business. When anarcho-punk bands aren’t getting the stage wet from beer, sweat and broken glass, the house music would consist of the beloved duo’s hits from the ’70s and ’80s, spliced with clips from the Chapo Trap House podcast.
