It’s back-to-school season, folks. This can mean good things (time away from the kids) and bad things (getting a ticket after dropping off the kids, because it was raining and you didn’t see the "school zone" signs). But, thankfully, I don’t (think I) have kids. This gives me the time and energy I need to spend every waking hour in Portland strip clubs—wasting away like an AC/DC song that never gets old, but will never venture away from the pole dancers. Here’s a recap on some things that have happened and a few plugs on things that are going to happen. Plot twist: all of these things involve naked people.
The Annual Gentlemen’s Club EXPO (hosted by ED Magazine, of course) just went down in Vegas, and it’s time to pop the bottles for the 503, because we took home not one, but two awards! The first one went to a club (Devils Point) and the second one went to a clown (well, she’s also a stripper...B.J. McNaughty). A huge "congrats" to both of these winners, and a reminder to everyone that they actually earned their titles. If, for some crazy reason, you’ve never been to Devils Point, you’re missing out on Stripparaoke (sing on stage, next to a naked woman), fire performances and infamous dancers—it’s one of my favorite clubs in town and I’m actually being honest when I say that. Now, as far as dancers go, well...you can’t beat someone who looks like a mix between Playmate Of The Year and Miss Juggalette 2019. B.J. can be seen all over town, but her feature sets at Kit Kat Club are the best chance for you to soak in her Faygo aroma and witness circus-quality nudity. Cheers to both of these fine institutions. for putting our small town on the Vegas radar!
And they say Portland is weird. Whatever...we’re internationally established connoisseurs of the fine arts.
Up here in Portland, we love two things more than bacon and pot: naked women and tattoos. So, of course, I expect that everyone has been keeping up with Ink ’N’ Pink, the longest-running and most nudity-filled tattooed performer pageant in Portland. Due to things like press deadlines, time and space, we are unable to announce who the winner is/was this year, but you can peep deets on our Facebook page, as soon as the first of the month hits (we’ll put something special up there). Regardless of who wins (or, by the time this hits the stands, has won), you can bet that our Ink ’N’ Pink champion will put the girls in the biker mags to shame. Are you sexy and covered in quality art? Why not enter next year—or, even better, jump on for Miss Exotic Oregon, coming up at the end of the year? Hit up Editor@Xmag.com for more info on how you can enter to win cash, prizes and fame.
Speaking of Ink ’N’ Pink, last year’s winner, Maze, may be turning over her title to a new tattooed winner this year...but, the universe has handed her another title, one that is equally coveted and nearly ten years old—Miss Beautiful Vagina! That’s right, the lady who won the cover of Exotic last year, is taking home yet another title this year. I imagine that Maze’s family dinners are getting better and better, seeing as how she has won two contests in a year, neither of which are particularly family-friendly. If you’re reading this, Maze, might I suggest that, in 2020, you run for...oh, president? That would kick ass—if a former reality television host and semi-legitimate billionaire can win the ticket, what’s stopping a tattooed stripper who holds the title for best looking vagina in the world? I’m serious—if you live in Florida (or Ohio), please, for the love of our country, write "Maze from The Twisted Sisters" in on next year’s ballot.
Well, Dick does—Dick reps that breast, as well as a slew of other body parts. Having wrapped up the Vagina Beauty Pageant (and ignoring my pitch for a Toes ’N’ Hoes event...whatever, dude), DJ Dick Hennessy continues to do the lord’s work—this time in the form of Best Breasts In The West. According to insiders who are able to specify what will occur in the future, based on a multitude of factors, market analysis and quantum predictive methods, this event will likely involve the evaluation of naked boobs, particularly those from our region of our map. I’m not quite sure, but what I do know is that the event will go down at several clubs throughout the Portland area, with the final round happening at Club Sinrock on Thursday, September 26. See the Spotlight Of Events on the next page for dates and venues.
I’ve been hosting Sinferno at Dante’s (and, occasionally, Kit Kat Club) for the better portion of this year and, to be honest, I’m still impressed at the level of talent that is brought to our local, Portland stages. Yet, some folks still don’t seem to understand how far-reaching the circuit is. In every nook and cranny around town, you will find kickass burlesque and variety shows, many of which feature familiar faces from the downtown events and clubs I just mentioned. For instance, Izabelle Starling is someone I have seen grace the stage at Dante’s and Kit Kat, and trust me, she’s not only got great stage presence, but she associates herself with equally high-tier performers. Recently, Izabelle let me know about "Burlynomicon," an event she helps produce and promote, just over the river at Lovecraft. Here is a snippet of the press release for her event:
The heat of the cosmic orb is starting to wane, bringing us back to our beloved, shorter days and cooler existence. Won’t you join us in this celebration of not only returning to the dark, but also in revelry of our eight-year run at the illustrious Lovecraft Bar?
Produced by Natasha Riot, Burlynomicon is a darkly decadent, monthly showcase of performance, held every second Tuesday. Featuring a rotating cast of burlesque and cabaret talent from Portland and beyond, performers present art with a dark—but humorous—twist in the mythos-inspired space of the world-famous Lovecraft Bar.
Please join us in celebration of eight years of darkly decadent burlesque on Tuesday, September 10, with a larger-than-normal, all-star cast, hosted by both Natasha Riot and Mad Marquis!
In addition to Natasha and Marquis, Asteria Atombomb, Paige Rustles, Harlow Quinzel, Katy Swanson and, of course, Izabelle Starling will be joining the festivities. Supporting cool shit is important, and this qualifies as "cool shit." So, pop on over to Lovecraft on the second Tuesday of this (and every) month for dark, humorous performance art (the best kind).
It’s always dope to see clubs doing things before sundown. At 3:00pm on Saturday, September 21, pop on over to Desire for an end-of-the-cruise-season car show, including hot dogs, bikes and all sorts of wonderfulness brought to you by the South East Terrors Cruise. Then, on Saturday, September 28, bring in a new, unwrapped toy to Dv8 at 2:00pm, to trade for a bikini bike wash! Proceeds will go to the Doernbecher’s to help kids in need. There will also be raffle prizes, slow racing, free burgers and hot dogs. Oh, and wet strippers washing bikes...that’s never a bad thing.
SAT 7—DANCIN’ BARE—BEST BREASTS OF THE WEST ROUND 1
WED 11—CLUB 205—SOCIAL MEDIA NIGHT
FRI 13—SUN 15—KIT KAT CLUB—ROSE CITY COMICON WEEKEND
FRI 13—GUILTY PLEASURES—BEST BREASTS OF THE WEST ROUND 2
SAT 14—REVEAL LOUNGE—BEST BREASTS OF THE WEST ROUND 3
FRI 20—SCARLET LOUNGE—3-YEAR ANNIVERSARY PARTY
FRI 20—THE VENUE—BEST BREASTS OF THE WEST ROUND 4
SAT 21—DESIRE—SOUTH EAST TERRORS CRUISE CAR & BIKE SHOW
SAT 21—SKINN—PEACH’S BIRTHDAY PARTY
SAT 21—STARS CABARET (SALEM)—END-OF-THE-SUMMER PARTY
SAT 21—XPOSE—BEST BREASTS OF THE WEST ROUND 5
THU 26—CLUB SINROCK—BEST BREASTS OF THE WEST FINALS
THU 26—COLUMBIA STRIP—KARAOKE CONTEST FINALS
FRI 27—TOMMY’S TOO—DAISY DUKE CONTEST
SAT 28—DV8—BIKINI BIKE WASH & TOY DRIVE
SUN 29—STARS CABARET (SALEM)—SAVED BY THE ’90S PARTY
