I’m not gonna front—because, I’m not in high school anymore and I can pay for my weed at the time of purchase (if you don’t know where the pun is in that sentence, you’ve never been a broke student who needs a sack). To be honest, while it’s technically illegal (and, possibly immoral) to suggest that underage kids get high, the fact of the matter is...well, underage kids get high. So much so, that the urban myth surrounding "420" actually originates around a group of school buddies, who would meet at 4:20 in the afternoon to smoke weed after school. So, while this column should be seen as satire, parody, opinion or whatever we need to say in order to keep things legal, let’s not kid ourselves (pun accidental) here—weed and high school go together like cocaine and college. Now, you shouldn’t even be reading this magazine if you’re not of legal age, but if you happen to be a fifth-year senior, read on for some pretty basic (but, often overlooked) advice from one former teenage pot smoker to another.
This seems like a no-brainer, but too often, high school kids just assume that the woods behind the gym are a safe place to blaze. However, crimes related to drug possession and use, when done near school property (or in a school zone), can lead to exponentially higher fines and longer jail time, when compared to other areas. You’re actually better off ripping a bong in the front row of a movie theater, than you are smoking a joint behind the gym bleachers (I know this, because I did so during Star Wars: Episode I and still didn’t get kicked out...Jar Jar refund denied). Plus, if you’re popped for weed while downtown and miles away from your school campus, you’re only dealing with a cop and maybe a few random do-gooders who snitched on you. At or near school, you’ll be dealing with the whole administration. It’s better to skip school and deal with whatever possession charges you may incur in the real world, than you are to avoid truancy and risk getting busted by your campus security guard (and facing discipline on campus, before being turned over to the cops to be charged criminally).
Just like when you’re trying to shoulder-tap for beer at the convenience store, you are going to be paying a slight premium when buying weed as a teenager—but, don’t let this be an excuse for your hookup to rip you off. As a general rule, anything over ten bucks a gram (for flower) is jacked. When it comes to dabs and edibles, don’t ever spend any more than fifty a gram for dabs or ten bucks per serving of edibles. Your dealer is selling pot to teenagers, so while they do risk more than the average pot dealer, they’re still selling you cannabis, not crack. Remember, if your parents can buy it legally, you can get your hands on it as well, without having to visit the dark web or Gresham.
Yes, it’s much safer on your lungs to consume concentrates, than it is to just smoke a blunt or rip a bong. But, keep in mind that, like edibles, vaping requires a certain amount of patience and trust, before the effects are fully realized. Plus, you can take in far more than you’d like, on accident, if you’re not careful with a weed pen or a dab rig. Often times, if you’re trying to get high quickly, you can just take several bong hits in a row and be done with it. But, if you do this with a vape pen, you may get so fucking high that you pass out. Plus, vape hits don’t actually "hit" right away and you’re never really sure how much THC you just took, because it’s hard to tell when to stop sucking on the damn thing (as opposed to blunts or bongs, which induce a coughing fit when you’ve had enough).
When I was in high school, we had a rule that, when drinking alcohol, it’s always best to go for the clear stuff, because the smell is easier to cover up. Gin and vodka don’t produce the same stank as whiskey does and Zima is a much better option than regular beer, when it comes to reducing the "giveaway burps" that can fill up a classroom with IPA stench in seconds. The same goes for weed. Obviously, vaping is preferable—but, more dangerous in terms of getting too high (as mentioned above). So, if you’re going for blunts, joints or bong rips, do so outdoors (if possible) and remember that, like cigarettes, you won’t be as aware of the odor as those around you, because you’ve become accustomed to it. While basic deodorant and cologne are always a good idea, keep some Ozium handy to cover up the smoke odor. Plus, it’s a fun party trick to spray the smoke with Ozium and watch it disappear! Also, that shit was invented for morticians to do their thing, so it’s way stronger than Febreze.
At some point in your high school weed career, you’re going to get caught. When this happens, you got your pot from "Steve." Who is Steve, you ask? Steve is a mash-up of every dude you hang out with—and, he’s also your dealer, when it comes time to tell your school authorities where you get your weed. Steve is kind of short, but also tall. He’s mostly white, but kind of dark. He has black, blonde hair, but is also a ginger. In other words, Steve is basically whatever it takes to shut up the school security guard, but not specific enough to be one of your real homies (or your dealer). Regardless of what your guidance counselor says, it is important to be liked and there is no quicker way to establish street cred than by showing your peers that you’re not a snitch. When it comes time for college, your reputation as someone who can keep their mouth shut will help earn you discounts on cocaine.
