I am an asshole. If you didn’t know it already, you know it now. I am an asshole who hates traveling. I am an asshole who hates traveling, but finds ways to have fun while doing so. I am an asshole who hates traveling, but finds ways to have fun while doing so and makes you hate traveling even more than I hate it.
Sometimes, it’s fun, like when you throw your hands in the air and yell, "Wheee!" Treat turbulence like a roller coaster, because you’re more likely to get killed by a dog, a stripper or a stripper’s angry pet dog than a plane crash.
Sometimes, being an asshole just involves seeing how many electronic devices you can charge at one time. I mean, I don’t even pretend I’m trying. I’ll take up four outlets and tell the teenager who walked up to charge her phone for seven minutes to hear if Liam or Emma has a crush on her that. I have dibs on the next one that opens up, too. I have managed two cell phones, two laptops, a spare USB battery, a flashing red emergency light that was waterproof (be prepared) and, just for fun, an electric razor.
I don’t normally even use electric razors, but, I sometimes travel with them in my carry-on whenever possible, because it’s also a great way to let the person sitting next to you know that the current conversation is over—especially during turbulence.
"I would rather shave my face while getting shaken around like a fucking cocktail in a large round school bus 35,000 feet in the air than keep talking to you."
If that doesn’t work, the TSA does allow nail clippers on flights. You probably have a toenail or two that has something worth flinging at your seatmate, if they don’t behave.
But, you don’t need to be a curmudgeon. There are also fun things to do when constrained in a tube for hours at a time, with your fellow mammals. Sometimes, it’s fun to be a tour guide. Most people don’t know where anything is. So, if you’re flying over Lake Michigan and you want to make some people have a memorable flight, just tell them it’s Crater Lake.
It’s also a good idea to make sure you exploit the fact that nobody actually checks out what they’re told. If someone asks if they’ll have time during their connecting flight to take the MAX into downtown, you never tell them about the frequent breakdowns that it suffers through and make sure to tell them that the fares are just a suggested donation.
On the chance that you are flying into New York City—or, Newark, if you’re that brave—and, you feel that the flight attendants have not shown you enough attention, make sure to point out, "HOLY SHIT! What happened to the World Trade Center? Where the fuck did it go!" As of three years ago, I was not beaten for doing so, but, I was delayed from getting on my train to New Jersey. So, all around, it worked out well. When flying out of a city with good food, be prepared to be your own fucking personal defense attorney with the TSA. If you have waited long enough and a sauce has coagulated, be firm and be polite, but argue that a coagulated sauce is no longer a liquid.
With hot sauce, just be prepared and have Ziploc bags with you. The passengers around you will realize what they’re leaving behind, when they smell you pop those sauces open mid-flight and pour them on the burritos in your backpack. After finishing the burrito, it helps to tell the sky waitress that you just finished a bomb burrito and have some assorted liquids that you’d like to throw into the same trash bag.
Because burrito smuggling is probably already involved in your flight plans, also keep in mind that San Diego’s airport has a flight path near enough to some condos that it can be possible to see what’s on the television, in some of the upper floors. When doing so, be sure to scream, "That’s not fucking normal!" even if it is. Also, as a good tour guide, I made sure to mention that if the Russians ever wanted to really fuck up the U.S., they’d obviously throw a lot of nukes at San Diego. Enjoy your vacation!
If pizza is more of your thing, just put the pizza in the fridge overnight. Use waxed paper between slices and stack them into plastic bags. Put into a duffel bag. I have flown across the country with pizzas using this method and security never has had an issue with it.
When possible, if an airline makes you pay to use the seatback entertainment system, you can meet new and interesting people by watching shows like Seconds From Disaster, Air Disasters and even great movies like Flight, starring Denzel Washington.
I hope that helps you get there and have a good time. Someday, I might share my secrets for staying at hotels or dining at fast food restaurants.
