I just had the most fucked up thing happen—I think my boyfriend was trying to fuck my dog in the shower. I got home and heard her (my dog) screaming. I got into the house and he has her in the shower with him. He tried to tell me he was just spraying some water on her bottom. First off, why have my dog in the shower with you? Second, I’ve never heard her cry that loud before. I’m seriously thinking my new boyfriend was sexually abusing my dog. My mom is in town and I asked her if she could take the dog for a while. I’ve had her for nine years. I’m seriously afraid he may have done something to her. I didn’t tell my mom that. I just told her I’ve been working so much that I haven’t been attentive and that she would be happier with her for a while.
Sincerely,
Scared
Dear Scared,
Fucking wow. I’m really glad you chose to reach out to someone. You know, I don’t know your boyfriend—he could be the nicest, most stand-up guy on the planet. I also don’t know you. You could be delusional. All I can say is, in the past, I have had gut instincts and I have ignored them and then lived to regret it—almost every single time. I have rarely regretted choices that I have made, rather than ones I talked myself out of making. Here’s the deal. My ex-boyfriend used to shower with our dog and wash her at the same time and never once did I ever think anything weird was happening. If anything, he was lazy (or, just efficient). However you want to look at it, I never thought he was doing anything sexual with her. The fact that you think it is even maybe going on, is a massive red flag. If it seems fishy to you, get out.
Obviously, if that happened, the person is mentally ill. I did some research on your behalf. 4.9% of the male population has admitted to sexually abusing an animal. That is way too high and more common than most would think. So, Zoophilia is common, but still disturbing. Most people who do this are extreme narcissists or sociopaths, meaning they either don’t care what the animal feels while they are doing this or they believe the animal enjoys it, too. Either way, that is a dysfunction that I’m sure you don’t want to build a future with, nor sleep next to at night or give access to your body. Not only did they abuse an animal, who knows what else they are capable of? Do they have children? Do you??? We all want to find love, but not with the wrong people. I know how hard it is. I know exactly how well we can make excuses for others and turn blind eyes to things we don’t want to see. You wouldn’t have thought that about him, if there weren’t other red flags. GET OUT. NOW. Thank God for your mom.
Do a clean break. Don’t mention the dog. It may trigger him to violence, because if that did happen, he could want to desperately cover that up. Cite some other reason. You’re not ready, you are having a mental health crisis, you found someone else...whatever. You need to worry about your own safety. Most domestic violence occurs when one person attempts to leave. Arm yourself. Stay with a friend. Notify work that this person is not welcome. Don’t be alone. Document everything. If you have no safe place to go or no friends to help, you can message me and you can stay with me. It ain’t fancy, but he won’t know where you are. Also, my house allows dogs and I promise your dog will only get pets, walks and all things normal dogs enjoy.
-Discount Therapist
My husband and I have always had sexual struggles. He has a much higher sex drive than me and also has issues with premature ejaculation, which is a sensitive subject for him. I’m a busy business owner, a mom and sex is usually a last priority for me. A few months ago, I found a secret stash of male enhancement pills in our bedroom closet. I wanted to be sensitive of his feelings and have waited to discuss this with him. Instead, I decided to keep track of when we had sex and check to see if he was using the pills with me, which he was. My work requires me to travel overnight once or twice a month. I noticed, after a busy few weeks of no sex, some of his pills were missing, after I was gone out of town a few nights. I feel like my husband is devoted to me, but after ten years of sexual struggles, I’m worried that perhaps he’s moved on to getting his sexual needs met by someone else. Should I jump to the worst conclusions, or is it time to let him know that I know about his special pills?
Sincerely,
Worried Wife
Dear Worried Wife,
First and foremost, it concerns me that you lead this question by letting me know that you and your husband have "always had sexual struggles." How important is sex in a relationship? It is and it isn’t. Sex with a partner is so much more than just "getting off." It’s acceptance. It’s bonding. Or, at least it should be. It can be negative, too, such as control or a sense of ownership. You have the right to not want to have sex. You don’t owe anyone anything more than you’re willing to give. This includes your husband. If you’re not feeling sexual desire at this time, for whatever reason, that is okay. What isn’t okay is the lack of communication. Our partners should be our best friends. The person who you can drop the mask with and be whatever weirdo you are deep down inside—with no judgment. It sounds like the biggest problem here is communication. Why aren’t you talking about your sexual struggles? Maybe you are. Maybe you’re in counseling. I don’t know, but the fact that you found these pills and neither of you are talking about it is troubling. He didn’t tell you he was getting them. You didn’t tell him you found them. Premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction is extremely embarrassing, so I get why he covertly got the pills. Now that you know he’s struggling, are you doing your part? Don’t talk about him cumming too fast—try positive reinforcement, instead. Say things like, "I love how much I turn you on" or "it’s so hot when I make you cum." Then, ask him to give you a hand afterward, so he knows you’re satisfied, too. Tell him he satisfied you. Sex is such a deeply personal thing, whether we want to admit it or not. If he feels he’s not satisfying you, the resentment and hurt is there.
Should you talk about the pills? Yes. You should ask him about them and ask why some are missing. His reaction will be telling. You shouldn’t be confrontational. Be calm and come from a place of understanding. You know, if he’s struggling with those physical issues, he could have taken those pills for innocuous reasons. How awesome is a long, uninterrupted masturbation session? The reality is, if he’s cheating, fucking someone else or even attempting to...you WILL find out. You’ll see signs. If you are aware enough to find the pills and notice when ones are gone, you will absolutely see other things. But, the pills missing aren’t absolute proof. Open dialogue about sex should be the first work you do here. If you can’t arrive at that, I feel like this union is doomed. When sexual problems occur in a relationship, it is the silent killer. I was in a relationship with someone for seven years, in which the last six we didn’t have sex. We slept in separate bedrooms. When we rarely did attempt to have sex, it was awkward and unsatisfying for both of us. We never talked about it. The elephant in the room grew to a wooly mammoth and it was impossible to live around. Looking back, had we started a normal and healthy dialogue in the beginning, it may have been different. Also, sometimes people can love each other and be completely sexually incompatible. There is no formula for the spark. It happens when it does and you can’t plan it. Perhaps you both don’t turn each other on. If that’s the case, only you can decide how important sex is for the both of you. I had a partner for three years who refused to go down on me. He resented the fact that I wouldn’t pay for waxing treatments. I shave, but he felt that wasn’t good enough. Hey, I’m a writer and a bartender—ain’t no one got money for that crap. He also referred to it as "a lot of work." The fact he rejected me in that way sprouted resentment. Every year, those roots dug deeper. Why wasn’t I worthy or good enough? If you’re denying your partner sex—even if you’re stressed or busy—what kind of roots are sprouting there? I suggest you think about that before a tree grows that can’t be cut down.
