Candy, horror movies and "it’s not slutty because it’s just supposed to be a kitten" costumes. I fucking love Halloween. And, much like any other day of the year, I plan on being super high on it. But, weed is a tricky substance— cross-fading isn’t limited to other drugs, as any "enhancement smoker" knows. Certain holidays (particularly those oriented around over-consumption and acting like a kid) can bring out the best—but, also the worst—in any stoner who tries to partake in them. So, this year, I provide to you a couple good ideas, a bad idea and a terrible idea, when it comes to planning your weed-infused Hallow’s Eve.
If you’re over thirty and remember video rental stores, you probably recall a section of horror films that consisted of rows upon rows of films that you’ve never heard of. This is for a reason—throughout the ‘80s and much of the ‘90s, direct-to-video companies like Full Moon churned out thousands of "horror" films that were essentially softcore porn flicks with blood. And, more often than not, very little "porn" was actually present— these films seem to rely on formulas made famous by softcore porn (filler plot, topless shot, filler plot, repeat) and slasher horror (filler plot, gore, filler plot, topless shot), but with none of the redeeming qualities. What makes films such as Curse Of The Puppet Master or Dollman Vs. Demonic Toys stand out from their more established peers—which also boast direct-to-video titles (such as the Hellraiser franchise)—is the unapologetically bad production value, poor acting and hole-filled plot. These films know they’re bad, and years (decades, even) before Sharknado, video stores were full of "we know this is dog shit" entertainment. Much like the No Limit records that don’t involve Master P (or, more specifically, the movies that No Limit rappers put out), bad horror movies are perfect background noise and surprisingly entertaining, if you’re baked out of your mind.
Remember how scary horror movies were when you were a kid? Well, with the right type of weed, they’re just as scary as an adult. Poltergeist. Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Jaws. Garden State. These titles may have been terrifying when you were younger, but that was back when it was still socially acceptable to sleep in your mom’s bed if you got scared. At 39, it’s not as easy to ask for such a favor (at least if you don’t live in the south). Another problem with smoking weed and watching, say, 1408 or The Shining, is that good horror movies will stick around in a stoner’s brain longer than they will for the average audience member. Hours (or, in some cases, days) later, you’ll either still be trying to figure out the movie (like how John Cusack was able to speak to the camera in a horror film and not break character) or just replaying an awful scene over and over again (like that old lady in the bathtub, who aged ninety years in under a few seconds). Bottom line, it’s hard to explain to your co-workers why you’re so skittish around the coffee grinder when they’re not as scared of Leatherface as you were the other night and a good horror movie will stick around in your system about as long as weed does.
Here’s a fun way to get around the guilt of not answering your door for the children begging for candy: go buy a bag of treats, eat a few pieces, toss the wrappers into a bowl, set the bowl in front of your door, leave a hand-written note that says "take one" on top of the wrappers, then knock the bowl over. This way, it looks as if you made the effort to leave the candy out, but some asshole kids must have ignored the rules and took all the candy. This teaches children an important lesson about honesty and the dangers of socialism. Forget about toothbrushes and religious pamphlets—if you really want to provide kids with a healthy alternative to candy that also doubles as a valuable life lesson, this is easily the best way to do so. Plus, you’ll be inside your house, watching Dollman Vs. Demonic Toys and eating piles of miniature Snickers bars, without being bothered by intermittent knocking. This "trick" (ahh...now I know where that phrase comes from) works most effectively in apartment complexes and urban areas.
Anything catered toward the adult audience is always a bad idea. Halloween involves dressing up, going out, drinking with people you probably don’t like (but your girlfriend is buddies with, so you kind of have to), arguing with strangers over whether or not your costume is racist, etc. And, aside from fantastic "adult-adult" attractions (like DJ Dick Hennessy’s Haunted Strip Club at Spyce), anything geared toward giving the adults something to do is, by definition, catered toward people who don’t have kids. That’s right—think about it, if you have kids, you’d be taking them out for Halloween. But, since you’re a childless, alcoholic thirtysomething, you’re stuck at some shitty-ass bar that has been poorly decorated with last year’s discount Halloween crap, dancing to an EDM remix of "Monster Mash" and wondering whether or not the girl you’re trying to take home is as hideous (or, even more so) than her costume makes her out to be. And, if things do turn out well for the evening, they will likely have a lasting hangover (much like the good horror films I mentioned above). A few years ago, I actually met a girl at a haunt I was working at (as a DJ and playing an EDM remix of "Monster Mash"), we went home and decided to engage in one-night-standery. Well, her costume was a sailor and she was... how would I say this...a tomboy? So, to make a long and drunk story short, I now have a Navy fetish. As a straight dude. And, it only works if the chick looks like a boy. Thankfully, fleet week in Portland is lit.
