It’s that time of year again—that time
when we all go to social gatherings,
with the intent of cutting loose and becoming
inebriated. But, unlike your usual
Thursdays, people get decked out in
costumes, both simple and complex.
Foregoing the standard stuff like monsters,
boo-ghosts, demons and Patrick
Swayze, are those who choose a costume
based on more-or-less current
events. Whether you regard this type of
costume as creative, lame or creatively
lame, there are always a few people
whose sense of levity pushes the envelope
into the thoroughly tacky, coarse
or played-out. This list chronicles the
most popular of those topical costumes
for 2019...
Portland has more haunted houses than
strip clubs, come the end of September
[ED: Don’t forget DJ Dick Hennessy’s
haunted strip club at Spyce]. Okay, that’s
not true, but Jesus Christ, it sometimes
feels just as saturated. Once again, adult
hipsters who refuse to grow up have taken
over something meant for children—
like coloring books or onesies...
I never thought I’d live to see the day that I
actually used Amazon Prime to rent something,
as opposed to just sailing the high
sees with an eye patch and a parrot. But,
here I am, $2.99 poorer and extremely happy
that I made the decision to spend that
money. Writer, director and friend, Andy
Norris (Targeting Iran and Source To Sea:
The Columbia River Swim), has finally (after
years and years of putting the project together)
released his film, The Dancer Diaries,
which is based on a book of the same
name. And, as much as I like to go into anything
strip-club-related with a pessimistic
eye and a jaded attitude (even if one of my
friends is the creator of said project), after
ten minutes of The Dancer Diaries, I was
sold like a private dance to a lottery winner
with a terminal illness. This is a good film,
and I say that having already been paid for
my involvement. You’ll catch some of your
favorite Portland-area dancers acting (not
pretending to act, but actually putting on
a performance worthy of the big screen),
see some of your favorite locations, watch
some amazing pole tricks, witness me try
to act and, most importantly, notice that
the weed used in the film is real weed (this
is my litmus test for whether or not a movie
deserves a genuine review—hops get one-starred
immediately)...
Unless you’re an eight-year old or a parent who
is thanklessly shackled to escorting an eight-year
old, then you’re probably not going to be trick-or-
treating this year. You may as well stay home,
turn your lights off and hide in the attic, vengefully
eating a bowl of candy, as kids mournfully
pass by your door, wishing they could take your
sweet, sweet candy...
They say a bartender acts as a therapist. So,
I decided to make it official. My only credentials
are listening to hundreds upon hundreds
of people’s problems, over more years
than I can admit. Let me wipe the bar down
for you, put down a fresh coaster, then pour
you a drink. Pull up your stool and tell me all
about it. Remember, I’ve heard it all. If you
have a question, please email DiscountTherapist@
Yahoo.com. You will remain anonymous.
Also, you get what you pay for...
Candy, horror movies and "it’s not slutty because
it’s just supposed to be a kitten" costumes.
I fucking love Halloween. And, much
like any other day of the year, I plan on being
super high on it. But, weed is a tricky substance—
cross-fading isn’t limited to other
drugs, as any "enhancement smoker" knows.
Certain holidays (particularly those oriented
around over-consumption and acting like
a kid) can bring out the best—but, also the
worst—in any stoner who tries to partake in
them. So, this year, I provide to you a couple
good ideas, a bad idea and a terrible idea,
when it comes to planning your weed-infused
Hallow’s Eve...
I wonder at what point things will just
stop mattering. Those things we hold
onto, that allow us to have a sense of
hope and forward motion. For white
women, that thing is pumpkin-spice-o-
ween...I mean, Halloween. The best
thing about Halloween is the fact that it
normalizes murder, porn and evil. So, of
course, just like every other month, I am
here to tell you my Top 5. But, this time,
we have the top scariest movies of all-goddamn-
motherfucking time...
It is a calm, profitable, mid-week night
at the strip club. Dancers are busy with
their regulars, giving dances to them
as the DJ is playing a curated list of
unpopular-but-excellent alternative
music. The bartender is busy catering
to a pseudo-anonymous local tycoon,
who is allowed to bend certain rules
(hugging dancers, helping himself
to extra napkins, etc.), because he’s a
generous tipper and a well-known, respectful
regular. The bouncer is bored
and thankful for this fact. Everything
is going smoother than a baby stripper’s
butt...until the bro-nado arrives
at the door...
Batman has one rule. I’m not sure what
it is, exactly. He either doesn’t kill people
or he doesn’t use firearms—the movies
and comic books are all over the place,
and he seems to bend or break this rule
constantly (I don’t even need to cite Batman
Vs. Superman...watch the Caped
Crusader burn a fucker alive in Batman
Returns or pop a specialized cap
in Darkseid’s ass in Final Crisis). At
any rate, Batman has one rule...
