It’s that time of year again—that time when we all go to social gatherings, with the intent of cutting loose and becoming inebriated. But, unlike your usual Thursdays, people get decked out in costumes, both simple and complex. Foregoing the standard stuff like monsters, boo-ghosts, demons and Patrick Swayze, are those who choose a costume based on more-or-less current events. Whether you regard this type of costume as creative, lame or creatively lame, there are always a few people whose sense of levity pushes the envelope into the thoroughly tacky, coarse or played-out. This list chronicles the most popular of those topical costumes for 2019.
Okay, one would think the topic of the King Of Pop being into the wee ones as being played-out, even as early as 25 years ago. Not so, however—the recent, in-depth documentary on just how disturbing his relations with children really were, has brought the uncomfortable truth into the spotlight once again. Gone are the days of the Jheri curl wig and red "Thriller" jacket, in favor of his court outfit, shiny sunglasses and children’s crayon drawings of what his penis looks like. At least you don’t have to spend money on fake nose putty.
Available in both spicy and white people flavors, the Popeye’s chicken sandwich has been the subject of much fuss, over-consumption and violence. Dressed up as one (ideally accompanied by someone dressed as a large drink— or, at least a buttered biscuit), you will assuredly be able to be responsible for all those things and more, as you sandwich the night away. Beware of hungry drunks, though.
With many, many tufts of wispy cotton or polyester glued to your body, you stand as the perfect representation of ubiquitous, dubious, online media storage. Be sure to bumble around comically, attempt—and, fail—to hold everyone’s drinks by yourself and periodically drop nude photos of various celebrities. Strangely, nobody trusts you, but they will happily let you hold their valuables, because it’s convenient to do so. Be sure to go through them.
Ever wanted to be a chick magnet? Well, with the right construction items, you can be the latest and greatest trendy drink for women aged 18-30, and, inexplicably, men over 50. Move over, LaCroix— this is also LaCroix, but it gets you drunk! Be sure to fill your costume with wholesome liquids to pass out to those you meet at the costume party and tout your low-calorie nature.
From the main girl, to the whiny emo bad guy, to that cool black dude, to... uhh...that obnoxious purple-haired lady? The forgettable characters of the most recent Star Wars films are sure to amuse people over 11, at the adult party you’re getting drunk at. You know, the best costume would probably be Emo Bad Guylo Ren’s Cool-Ass Lightsaber. Just the saber—not the rest of him. I lumped these all together, because, otherwise, they would make up the rest of this list.
Cheeky jabs at the president are never out of fashion. There’s nothing people love more than someone who thinks it’s clever to put politics into every goddamned thing they do, including having a "good time" on Halloween. Fortunately, for people who opt to take this route, it’s fairly easy. Just get a shitload of bronzer, a bad rug and a hilarious parody Twitter account. Those never get old! Maybe tote around an invoice from one Stormy Daniels for "services rendered."
Yes, dressing as an entire city is very much in favor these days and wacky ol’ San Francisco edges out previous champion (Columbus, Ohio) this year, by a wide margin. The costume is simple— you just get one of those poop emoji costumes (yes...not only do those exist, but there are dozens of them on Amazon) and, then, you cover it in used needles! This costume is sure to be a hilarious reminder of the contemporary state of the west coast’s most expensive city.
Can’t pick one of the many cast members of the now-defunct HBO show? Just dress like Season Eight...all of it at once. Basically, just build your costume up via series of social media posts and generate massive speculation as to how good you’re going to look, once you show up. Then, simply arrive—looking like a confused, hot mess.
The most commonly seen incarnation of the hideous monster from Stephen King’s pre-mediocrity cocaine novel, It, Pennywise is a clown who tortures children. However, this psychotic clown, as recently seen in the latest installment of the reboot, has been accused of not being as much of an LGBTQ ally as it was apparently originally suspected (I’m not kidding—Google it). Costume suggestions for this include...dressing as a killer clown and, I dunno, burning Elton John records or something?
Has a lifetime of bad food choices left you feeling like you’ll never be able to stomach decent food again? Well, meet Bernie Sanders’ Colon: the little segment of the large intestine that CAN! It can absolve you of the pain of processing years of Taco Bell, Burger King and whatever that horrible gelatin thing your aunt makes every Thanksgiving (that you eat anyhow). You’ll have nothing but the most solid, healthy bowel movements, thanks to its mighty digestive prowess. Be sure to get lots of tubing, pink paint and hope, and your costume will wow everyone under 40, who is really feeling like they shouldn’t have eaten six bags of flamin’ hot Cheetos for dinner. That said, calling this costume "Colon-el Sanders" would just be in poor taste.
So, there’s the wrap-up. The most popular topical Halloween costumes for 2019. Me? I’m going as a carton of expired milk that is also somehow a werewolf.
Stay safe out there.
