They say a bartender acts as a therapist. So, I decided to make it official. My only credentials are listening to hundreds upon hundreds of people’s problems, over more years than I can admit. Let me wipe the bar down for you, put down a fresh coaster, then pour you a drink. Pull up your stool and tell me all about it. Remember, I’ve heard it all. If you have a question, please email DiscountTherapist@ Yahoo.com. You will remain anonymous. Also, you get what you pay for.
How do I deal with an abusive partner (physically or mentally) who was also the victim of sexual and physical abuse in their adolescence?
-Lover
Dear Lover,
When we invite another person into our lives, we allow a lot that we inevitably take on. When you love someone, the natural instinct is to nurture—to absorb the problems they face, as well as try and help. It’s also extremely easy to make excuses for someone when you love them. We fool ourselves with the rhetoric of saying someone is doing something because they faced a certain hardship or come from a certain circumstance. We all want to find love. It isn’t easy. I can certainly see why you want to make excuses and overlook your partner’s behavior, to make your dream come true. Love is elusive. I think most of us have been there, in some form or another.
When I was in college, I had a boyfriend I’ll call "C." This was back in the ‘90s. We met completely organically, at a coffee shop. Our first year together was great. He moved in and it was really fun. Everything was as it should be. Shortly after our first anniversary, he punched me in the face for the first time—over forgetting to pick up salt at the store. "C" told me he was sexually abused by his father, and in turn, watched him abuse his mother. So, I made excuses. I convinced myself that someone in his position had problems and I allowed that behavior. Every time he hit me, I told myself it was because it was all he knew. I told myself his past was something he needed to work through. We were young, had no money and couldn’t afford therapy. I told myself, that because I love this person, this was the baggage I needed to help carry.
It is NOT.
If you are even saying the word "abuse" in regards to your relationship, you need to leave. I don’t care if it’s emotional, physical or otherwise. You need to leave now and don’t ever look back. Abusers are manipulative and they will use every fucking trick in the book, to make you feel like it’s your fault. It is not. Their baggage does not excuse them hurting others. There is no background trauma that allows for a person to do it to another. Whatever horrible thing this person experienced is awful. I’m hoping that they are seeking professional help, in learning to cope and heal. That being said, they are NOT allowed to abuse you. You do not have to to take it. Love should never hurt. Someone who loves you should create a barrier of softness around you and provide a nice place for you to land. Love is helping you to achieve your goals and supporting you in your life. Love is growth, being able to be your weird self and enhance everything around you. Love has zero place for abuse. No one would purposely hurt anyone they love.
Please find the strength to break away from this. Please know that love can be found without any pain. Please know that just being alone is so much better than being hurt. Abusers target nice and caring people and turn their best qualities against them. If you have any friends left, reach out. I know firsthand that an abuser will isolate you—that’s pretty much their first order of business, to cut off your resources. If you can, try reaching out to former friends. They WILL understand, I promise. I’m sure your abuser has made you feel like you are worthless...like people don’t like you. That isn’t true. It’s merely a tactic they use, to keep you all to themselves and stop anyone from whispering in your ear. Try coworkers, acquaintances, your bartender... you’d be surprised how many people are willing to help. You’d also be surprised how many people have actually been there. The statistics are unreliable and constantly fluctuating, but they say that one in three college students report being in an abusive relationship. Remind yourself of what you CAN control. Your abuser can only abuse you if you give them access to you. That’s the thing you can control—yourself. Don’t let them do this to you anymore. If you need a dog-hair-covered couch to sleep on, you message me.
National Domestic Violence Hotline (800- 799-7233). Call-To-Safety Portland (888-235- 5333). Oregon Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence (503-230-1951).
-DiscountTherapist
Some years ago, my (then) wife and I lost our son. I was her support system, even with my broken heart. I was strong for her—the best I could be. But, it finally did kill our relationship. All these years later, it’s come back on me, because I didn’t seek a grief counselor or any help at all. I’m seeing a counselor now, but that’s why it’s come back on me. Is there anything else I should be doing? I don’t want to be dealing with it all over again.
-Dad
Dear Dad,
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. That might sound contrite, but I mean it. That is a pain I cannot imagine. You didn’t say how your son died and I’m sure it’s too painful to talk about. I’m really glad you are seeking professional help. Sometimes, it takes a long while to know we need guidance and that is perfectly okay. Please forgive yourself for taking a while to arrive there. Grief is tricky. It creeps in like a fog. Before you know it, you can’t see. Sometimes, you don’t know you needed that flashlight, until there is zero visibility. The hard facts are that 80% of marriages or partnerships end after the loss of a child. What a fucking tragedy. People have individual ways of grieving, and navigating that path together can be difficult. Grief is so incredibly personal. Doing it with someone else is near impossible.
I can hear the guilt in your question. You feel a sense of responsibility by not going to see a therapist sooner. Perhaps, if you had, you could have been a better partner and saved the relationship. The bottom line is, after this, the cards were stacked against you. The relationship probably wouldn’t have survived. If it had, what would it have looked like? When people experience extreme trauma and grief, they aren’t good partners. They have so much work to do on themselves, they can’t offer much to anyone else. I would wager that, even if you had been in therapy at that time, the relationship would have still failed. Not because of a lack of want or desire, but the trauma for the both of you was too great to overcome. Not everyone knows to turn to therapy, nor knows its benefits. Not everyone can even afford to pay for it. Also, it doesn’t work at all for some. Don’t dare judge yourself for not seeking it as an option immediately. Who knows if it would have helped anyway? I can’t even imagine how she feels—or you—nor do I ever want to.
What can you be doing now? Accepting yourself. You are imperfect. Life is hard and unpredictable. I’m sure you did the best you could at the time with the tools you had. As life goes on, we grow like a tree. Hopefully, we grow stronger. This is a ring in the trunk of your tree. A huge one, but you aren’t cut down. Not yet. Keep growing. This life is not over and you still have new stories to write.
-DiscountTherapist
My now ex-best friend and I got into a fight a little over a year ago...physically. I was seven months pregnant and she was still drunk, without sleep from the night before (I was renting a room from her for short period, when I moved back to Fresno). The fight started as an argument about a stupid Facebook post I made, which I apologized for later. Anyway, I recently started thinking of her and thought about reaching out, considering we had just been good friends for many years. Should I give it a shot or are some bridges that were burnt, not able to be fixed? My friends and family say "HELL NO," especially the father of my babies.
-Mom
Dear Mom,
Part of getting older is knowing when to cut toxic relationships out of your life. I had dozens upon dozens of friends in my twenties. Well, I thought they were friends, but really, they were just people to party with and to like my MySpace pictures. People you run in to at the bar and hug, but you really don’t know them well and they certainly wouldn’t come help you move. Now, at 40, I have three and I like it just fine. They are more than friends, they are chosen family. The people that you can call when you are at your very worst are also the ones that you share your very best life with. It’s okay, to cut out friendships that don’t enhance your life in a positive way, as hard as it may be. Let’s start from the beginning. Is this the first incident you’ve had with this friend? Is this the first time they have lashed out at you, got too drunk, embarrassed you or made you feel like you had to make excuses for them? The fact your baby’s daddy feels so strongly about it says to me there were other things besides this incident. Or, perhaps this incident was so damned bad, he was like "NO." My first challenge to you is to reflect on your relationship and interactions with this person, then evaluate their value to your life.
Do you really miss them or just a former version of yourself, that you hope to reconnect with by being with them? Remember, we can’t go home again. This may be a low-blow observation, but, honestly, is this person really your friend, if they would physically attack you when you are pregnant? When my friends were carrying their children, I only wanted to help. I wouldn’t EVER dream of distressing them or hurting them. You have to wonder about the mentality of someone who would try and attack a pregnant friend, even if you said something that upset them. Words do not deserve a physical attack (usually). That is concerning, no matter how drunk one might be. They say that booze drops the veil of who we really are. Your friend is someone who has one too many and puts their hands on someone who is pregnant (and who they call a friend). Hmm...I know it’s hard to let go of people. Cutting off friendships has been one of the hardest tasks in my journey of personal growth. Only you know whether or not this is a union worth cultivating. Your friends shouldn’t be attacking you—especially when you’re in a vulnerable state. Are those friends? Of course, we should all forgive, but ask yourself this: would you have attacked her if she were seven months pregnant? If the answer is no, well...
-DiscountTherapist
