I wonder at what point things will just stop mattering. Those things we hold onto, that allow us to have a sense of hope and forward motion. For white women, that thing is pumpkin-spice-o- ween...I mean, Halloween. The best thing about Halloween is the fact that it normalizes murder, porn and evil. So, of course, just like every other month, I am here to tell you my Top 5. But, this time, we have the top scariest movies of all-goddamn- motherfucking time.
The Conjuring is a fucking masterpiece and a great example of how to creep me the fuck out. It’s my favorite modern ghost story movie and one I have seen a dozen times, because it’s possibly my wife’s favorite scary movie. The sequel is even pretty good, but I haven’t watched the spin-off called Annabelle. If you’re a person who likes haunted shit, then you owe it to yourself to watch this movie with the lights off.
Pinhead is, hands down, my favorite BDSM demon. And, Hellraiser is, without a doubt, my favorite horror franchise. I even love the straight-to-DVD sequels, which are pretty much universally hated by everyone who has eyes to watch them. This franchise hits home in a very specific way for me, because I was raised by a very Christian mom, who made me go to official church three times a week. In addition to the actual church services, I also went to the private school in the church and participated in the church-sponsored athletic activities. So, the message that my most taboo kinks would summon a literal demon, given a little black magic to grease the wheels, was a very real idea to me. When I first watched this movie, it invoked a very lizard-brain fear in me, because I was programmed to believe that shit like that was real. Talk about fuckin’ therapy, man...I still pray for forgiveness after I jerk off.
The premise that magic is real can be a real fuckin’ double-edged sword sometimes, and one of the times it goes really sideways is in Lord Of Illusions. Imagine if a world-famous magician suddenly discovered that magic was real, and when he tapped into it, he went crazy and started a redneck murder cult. That’s kinda what you get in this movie. It’s also sort of a noir detective movie in a few ways. It’s really an underrated film and I am surprised how many lists it doesn’t make its way onto. I guess it’s a good thing I write lists, though, because Lord Of Illusions, today is your day to shine, my little, creepy diamond.
Rob Zombie is a real horror fan and, coincidentally, also a legitimate creative genius. He made this movie in 2000 for seven million dollars. The movie was paid for by Universal Studios, but it’s a pretty fucked up movie, so they decided to shelve it. It did eventually come out—in 2003—and critics just shat upon it, pretty much across the board. But, horror fans fucking love this movie and it has lived on, since its release on DVD. Rob Zombie has gone on to make a bunch more movies, and at one point, he helped design a haunted house attraction at Universal Studios Hollywood, based on House of 1000 Corpses. Here’s a quick highlight reel for you: blood, sex, torture, masturbation, necrophilia and weird accents for no reason at all. Oh, I almost forgot, Rob Zombie also co-scored the film, in addition to writing and directing it.
I had to put this one on the list, because it’s a fucking classic two times over. The first Halloween was released in 1978 and directed by John Carpenter—you may have heard of him before. That movie scared the shit out of people before I was born and it inspired an entire horror cinema movement during the ’70s and ’80s. Rob Zombie got a hold of it and with more money (and modern techniques), made the same movie somehow better. Michael Myers is a supernaturally evil killer who just refuses to die—and he fucking hates it when teenagers fuck. Rob Zombie managed to flesh out the killer with a back story, who makes his gore-porn rampages even more unsettling than they were in the first film. What are your favorite spooky movies to watch during the spookiest time of year? Reach out and tell me your top scary movies at NextGenerationRetro@Gmail.com or fuckin’ DM me on Twitter via @NextGenRetro. And, remember, you can also find me on YouTube (@NextGenRetro) and on Twitch (/NextGenRetroPDX).
