It’s harvest season, everyone. And, that means that it’s time to...fuck...where did I put my pipe? Well, I was going to say something about weed, but I forgot. Anyhow, let’s start off with some national strip club news...
You never know who’s going to show up at the strip club. In the last couple years, I’ve bumped into Katt Williams (comedian), Krizz Kaliko (Strange Music), Paul Barker (Ministry) and god knows who else, just by being in an upscale strip club after midnight. Most (if not all) of the time, these folks tend to chill in the back, acting as if they’re just another customer. But, of course, they tend to have money (and, they spend it, but they often don’t make a big show out of the ordeal—after all, they usually want to remain anonymous). I always encourage dancers to act as if the club is full (dance for the crowd you want, not the crowd you have), because you never know who will be eyeballing the stage and how much money they’re ready to toss down.
If you need an example, look no further than Los Angeles. Last month, TMZ released a video of rappers Saweetie and Migos dropping $45,000 on stage at L.A. club VLive, sometime around 1:20am. That’s right—closing time, on a Sunday, in L.A. (a place that doesn’t go full nude with alcohol). This wasn’t scheduled, but rather, is just what happens when rappers are bored and hit the strip club on a Sunday night.
So, let’s do the math. Let’s say that you, as a dancer, have your happy face on and your moves ready for a lame-ass, weeknight crowd. And, let’s just say that you only make a few hundred bucks on a good week. You work, oh, 100 weeks and you’ve made, say, $25,000 (in two years). Ouch, right? Well, if Migos appears at your club for even one night during that two-year period, that becomes $70,000. One night of these guys at your club will raise you to the next tax bracket. Now, the chances that you’re only making a few hundred bucks a week are slim (if you’re a good dancer). But, my point is, you never know who will bring the money into your club (and when that will be). Migos showed up in the club on a Sunday night, not a Friday. If you’re a stripper in a town like Portland—one with an airport and nothing else to do on a weeknight—you don’t just have a job, you have a lottery ticket. Keep this in mind, when the club is "dead" and there’s "literally no one" there. At that moment, Moneybag$ Rapperguy may just stroll in and pay off your student loans.
Of course, the quickest way to use your dancing skills to earn a pile of cash is to hit the competition circuit. On that note...
Continuing from last month, contestants all around the local area will continue to compete for a cover of Exotic and the title of Miss Exotic Oregon. If you don’t already know, our iconic northwest-area competition features multiple qualifier rounds, in which the most talented and sexiest dancers in the area show off their moves, in front of audience and expert judges alike—all for a chance to win a heap of cash and prizes (as well as some damn fine bragging rights). For November, we still have three remaining preliminary rounds before the finals. So, if you’re interested in competing or attending Miss Exotic Oregon, keep your schedule open. Qualifier rounds for this month will be Saturday, November 2 at Xpose, Thursday, November 7 at Spyce and Friday, November 15 at Guilty Pleasures. Once the best-of-the-best are selected, they will move on for the final rounds of Miss Exotic Oregon, which goes down Friday, November 29 at Dante’s in downtown Portland.
Of note—and, I say this every other month—Exotic contests are constantly being improved upon and updated to reflect both audience and performer feedback. For instance, we have recently nixed the "buy a pile of beads" method of voting, with more emphasis being placed on judge’s scores. We have expanded the events to different and newer clubs, with a wider rotation of neighborhoods. Hell...we even left DJ Pussyfoot on the charger overnight, so he is on full battery. What I’m saying is, if you haven’t been to an Exotic event in a while, you have no idea what you’re missing. Plus, I’ll be co-hosting the finals, alongside DJ Dick Hennessy’s pants and a roster of the best dancers in Oregon. Swing by, enjoy the show and say "hi" to anyone who looks like they work for our magazine (bags under their empty eyes, stoned expression and a general aura of hungover-but-ready-to-do-it-again swagger).
Speaking of Dante’s, Sinferno—the west coast’s longest-running burlesque and variety show, recurring every Sunday night at Dante’s—will be moving to a 10pm start time this month. If you don’t know, daylight savings time means that we will have approximately two hours of sunlight every week, for at least the next six months. So, it only makes sense to start a little earlier. I host a few nights, Jon Dutch hosts on the other nights (and, he also performs) and Portland staple, Aaron Ross, returns for the last Sunday of this month. Check the Spotlight Of Events at the end of this column for exact dates.
If you have yet to visit Sinferno, you’re missing out on fire performers, aerialists, go-go dancers and a ton of awesomeness that beats anything else going down on a Sunday night in Portland. Do you want to come check out the event? Say you’re on my list (hi, my name is Ray) and tip the door person to get in (the part about tipping the door person is important). But, if you’re reading this magazine in the corner after having already paid cover, well, hit me up for a drink (but, tip your bartender).
For anyone who makes a regular habit of attending our town’s best alternative to evening church service, just keep in mind that things will be starting a tad earlier in upcoming weeks, to account for the fact that Portland gets dark around noon in the winter months. However, this just means more time for the amateur hour sessions, which happen after the main performers wrap up (usually around 1:30am). Also, amateur hour is a great way to make your office holiday party special (ya know, by inviting your coworkers out to Sinferno and then getting half naked in front of your boss—easily the best way to get a holiday raise). Who knows? Maybe Migos will show up.
In a world where holidays involving any sort of historical or patriotic tone are seen as off limits, it’s nice to know that some folks are still rocking the free world. Tommy’s Too, Stars Cabaret, Cheetahs Cabaret and "Cabaret" Cabaret are all open for Thanksgiving, with Stars and Tommy’s offering free turkey dinner to all customers (with paid admission, where applicable). Cabaret will be offering a Thanksgiving dinner, as well. So, after the family starts arguing and your creepy uncle opens his second bottle of dollar store whiskey, why not bail from the dinner table and head to the strip club? Plus, inside sources tell me that no location will be forcing anyone to eat Karen’s nasty-ass yam salad. Instead, they have hot turkey and strippers! Now, that’s something to be thankful for!!! Speaking of Stars Cabaret, both the Salem and Bridgeport locations will be hosting Military Night to honor Veterans Day (see the dates on the calendar to your right). Oh, and Dream On Saloon also has a Veterans Day Party on November 9, so head that way to spice up your Saturday night. God bless America, meat and naked women.
SAT 2—XPOSE—MISS EXOTIC OREGON QUALIFIER ROUND V
SUN 3—DANTE’S—SINFERNO W/ HOST RAY MCMILLIN
THU 7—SPYCE—MISS EXOTIC OREGON QUALIFIER ROUND VI
SAT 9—DREAM ON SALOON—VETERANS DAY PARTY
SAT 9—STARS CABARET (SALEM)—MILITARY APPRECIATION NIGHT
SUN 10—DANTE’S—SINFERNO W/ HOST JON DUTCH
MON 11—STARS CABARET (BRIDGEPORT)—MILITARY APPRECIATION NIGHT
FRI 15—GUILTY PLEASURES—MISS EXOTIC OREGON QUALIFIER ROUND VII
SAT 16—CLUB 205—LEATHER & LACE (CASH PRIZES—OPEN TO CUSTOMERS)
SUN 17—DANTE’S—SINFERNO W/ HOST RAY MCMILLIN
FRI 22—EYE CANDY FASHIONS—BIGGEST SALE OF THE YEAR
SUN 24—DANTE’S—SINFERNO W/ HOST AARON ROSS
THU 28—STARS CABARET (ALL LOCATIONS)—FREE TURKEY DINNER W/ ADMISSION
THU 28—TOMMY’S TOO—FREE THANKSGIVING DINNER W/ PUMPKIN PIE
FRI 29—DANTE’S—MISS EXOTIC OREGON FINALS
