While elegance and good design can be appreciated by all of mankind, the refined of taste among us also shares an appreciation for the truly terrible. Think about the popularity of The Room or Wesley Willis. Our hunger for the hilariously awful is at least as acute as our delight in the well-crafted. I don’t know about you, but to me, this ability to love the poorly made for its own sake truly stands as a hallmark of our development as a species. In this spirit, I bring you a wildly incomplete list of my favorite worst phone apps of all time. Please note, these are (or, at one time were), all absolutely real apps, available through various mobile marketplaces.
Amazingly, there are more than one of these types of apps, with Send Me To Heaven being the other. While I’m normally of a mind to save the best for last, on this occasion, I really just can’t help it. These were/are apps that gather data from your phone’s accelerometer and make it fun. It encourages users to get more "hangtime," by hurling their phones skyward. The longer one’s phone remains airborne, the more points one receives. These apps range from between free and $0.99, which is a steal for the excitement and hilarity the game will bring, for the three minutes it’ll take before your $800 iPhone shatters dramatically on the ground. I’m pretty sure Apple has stock in this one.
In this thrilling, edge-of-your-seat adrenaline-fest, the user is presented with a button. You must hold the button for as long as you can. That’s it—that’s the whole game.
Sadly available for only one day, this app promised to bling out your phone with a shitty graphic of a glowing red jewel and do absolutely nothing else. It cost the discerning mobile user a mere $999.99, and clearly marked the purchaser as a person of taste, substance and wealth. A mere eight people bought this VIP app during its run. At least one of them claimed that their purchase was accidental, but they were still proud to show off the glowing red sigil of wealth to all you peasants.
At its release, Pocket Heat was marketed as an essential survival tool. When activated, this app had the power to reroute power from other functions, turning your phone into a red-hot hand warmer. It was meant for all those times you’re lost in the wilderness and want something like five minutes of explosive heat, before your battery dies. Of course, this does mean that you have no chance of getting a signal and calling for help, but those glorious moments of warmth will be totally worth the toes you lose to frostbite 15 minutes later.
This one hardly made it onto this list, because I actually love this game. The full description reads, "Defend your cattle from the Panzer Blitz!" The user is instructed to hurl cuts of meat at Nazis, via a butcher chart of potential options. I’m told that all the proceeds of this game go to support beef farmers of America, and in turn, I support your passion for throwing meat at National Socialists.
Who doesn’t want an infinitely dancing Miley on top of their screen, suggestively gyrating, as they play Words With Friends or text their mom about her cancer screening? No one, that’s who. The best part is, it’s free, so there’s really no excuse not to have this one.
This curious app will remain locked and unavailable, brimming with possibility and mystery, until your phone drops to or below 5% battery. Once that momentous occasion happens, a magical and mind-whirling world opens up before the user. No, actually, it’s just a chat room for people whose phones are also dying. I imagine, "Where the fuck is my cord, WESLEY?" is asked a lot.
You have to give it to the makers of this application—they have a truly unique vision. If you want to get an idea of what this particular one does, think Snapchat, but with only one filter. Pet Baby superimposes your dog’s features on top of random babies and allows you to morph and manipulate them, until they’re perfect. Not cartoony, but more nightmarishly fetishistic, this absolutely one-of-a-kind app offers you the chance to see what your beloved Snowy would look like, if he was simultaneously a dog and a human baby. The answer will likely tear a hole in your fragile sanity, exposing the writhing morass of darkness and oblivion within. Being that it’s free means it’s worth every penny—highly recommended.
You’ve read studies about how many bacteria and viruses thrive spectacularly on our phones. You use them in the bathroom for a ponderous #2 at work, in your kitchen, on public transport, in the hospital when your cousin Jen got admitted for some deeply embarrassing personal problem no one would come clean about. You know it, sure, but let’s put it to the test and find out if you really can get tuberculosis from licking your phone. In this battle royale of tongue acrobatics, the user tries their best to show that, yes, in fact, they know how to French kiss. That, or alternately, to illustrate their profound immunity to infection.
This app allows guys to monitor the menstrual cycles of their girlfriends—"girlfriends" plural! Yep, simultaneously track all your moody broads. Ostensibly, it "helps to avoid misunderstandings and preserve your relationship" (as the company puts it). Mystifyingly castigated as "sleazy and shameless," I’m a huge fan of this one, because we can now reliably tell when it’s safe to take a call from our sister Barb (or when it will just be an hour and a half of half-drunk, weepy confessionals and audible eating noises).
These are just a few of my favorite gems of awfulness. It’s not a complete accounting, to be sure, and I’m always looking forward to what tomorrow may bring. But, until then, lick your screens, turn your dog into nightmare fuel and hurl your phones into the air in celebration of what human achievement hath wrought.
Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle is a writer, artist and Fortnite enthusiast. She can be found on Instagram at @EsmeraldaSilentCitadel, MeWe by name or Facebook (if you absolutely must).
