They say a bartender acts as a therapist. I decided to make it official. My only credentials involve listening to hundreds upon hundreds of people’s problems, over more years than I can admit. Let me wipe the bar down for you, put down a fresh coaster, then pour you a drink. Pull up your stool and tell me all about it. Remember, I’ve heard it all. If you have a question, please write DiscountTherapist@Yahoo.com. You will remain anonymous. Also, you get what you pay for.
Here it goes. I had a relationship with a man who I loved for over two years. In the beginning (and probably now, as well), he was secretive. He lives with an ex, one he had gone to financial bed with years ago. I have not been invited to his home, except for sitting on the patio when she is not home. The story I was told, is that he arrived home and she was having sex with his friend on their couch. So, because they have a cute house in the Beaumont neighborhood, he just stayed (because of the financial entanglement). To be honest, the house is too small to ignore an adulterer in. So, over the years, the woman he lives with has done major property damage to his car tires, bike tires and inflatable kayak...she is knife-happy. Being that he practically lived with me for two years (but, would not chip in on bills, while I struggled on my own), I have made him go home. I now live alone for the first time in my life and do not want cohabitation with a man who lives with another woman. Sounds crazy, right?
I have been told I am the love of his life and he has been waiting for me for too long. Unfortunately, he is financially bound to responsibility. I went to his house one day to meet this lady, and for goodness sake, I was shocked. Not what I was expecting at all, with a dark, dark aura. I wonder if she looked different when they were together...I imagined that she has been terminally depressed. It shows—it does. So, it is really not that complicated, is it? I am going to be 49 this month—my mother says that her 50s were really amazing and I should stay single. So, my beau is 64 years old. I am younger, and if I stay in this Katherine Hepburn-Spencer Tracey situation, I may not find a mate for the rest of my life. I am not certain I want one. I have a dog and am unsure of what to do. I have pushed him away—repeatedly—and made him go home. The thing is, I usually go through a man’s CD collection, book collection and medicine cabinet to get answers. I have never once been in his home—not once.
He says that if he hadn’t met me, he would have been out of there a year ago. Why? Good question. I admit, he has spent a shit ton of money wining and dining me. I just do not think I am the upheaval in his escape plan. I do not have a garage or a yard. He does. I live between Bedlam and Squalor. How can a knife-wielding adulterer have a beautiful home with the man I love? I feel like a mistress who is unpaid and un-cared-for. What to do? Well, I do not want to see other men, because they are mostly idiots who are adolescent in nature. I once gave my beau a drawer and some room in my closet. Not anymore. He does not take up space here. He rarely spends the night anymore. I feel it will end soon, because it is not going forward. Advice?
Dear Girlfriend,
I feel for this situation—more than you can know. For the last three years, I have been with a man who would never come to my house. Still married, legitimately separated, but still with a lot of baggage there. He felt like he couldn’t divorce, because he had so much to lose. So, he did what he could to not piss her off, at the expense of our relationship and my feelings. He wouldn’t let me meet his adult children (nor his parents) and wouldn’t dream of letting me live in his house, yet he watched me clean it for him and also watched me struggle financially with my own place. I did his laundry, scrubbed his kitchen...yet, I wasn’t good enough to be fully invited there. He only went into my bedroom twice—in three years. My house was "gross." Instead of helping to fix my living situation with me (so it could be something better or something he would want to share), he just mocked it. Does any of that sound normal? Oh, did I mention he was an actual millionaire and had all the resources in the world to share, but refused to do so with his partner, who he claimed to love? He "had so many dependents" he made me go Dutch (or even pay for him), even though I’m just a bartender. He didn’t want his wife to know about me and take him to court, so I was swept under the rug and was expected to accept that it was okay. It’s amazing what we’re willing to do for love, isn’t it? If reading what I just wrote sounds crazy to you or if you asked yourself, "Why would she put up with that?" that’s exactly how I felt reading your story. Obviously, I’m not criticizing you—I’ve clearly done it in my life. We all will fall in love and make excuses for their flaws. You are not at fault for finding yourself here. I applaud you for taking a critical eye to the situation. So many people just pull the wool over their eyes and sink down into the sand trap of a bad relationship, which becomes the story of their lives. Something within you woke up and realized that things don’t feel right. Something is making you feel dissatisfied. You would not have wrote in, if you didn’t feel those things. I’ve not regretted many things in my life, except the times I’ve ignored my instincts (and, I’ve been so upset with myself when I have). Your instincts are going off. I know, because you took the time to write them down. Let’s not ignore this moment.
You mentioned your age and hinted that your options are dwindling. FUCK THAT. You have SO many options. At any age. What’s worse than being alone? Being in a shitty relationship. You being in a relationship is not an indication of your success (or happiness). A relationship should only enhance your life. If it does not, then you have to ask yourself why you’re bringing it on. Love is blind, of course, but does it rob? If it does, you have to wonder why you’re allowing it to. Is it really making your life better? Just like anything, a bad job, shitty living situation...we always have the power to change what is dragging us down, if we have the courage to do so. I promise you, if you want a relationship, you will be able to find one, if you are a good person and put it out there.
Now, as far as your particular situation, I don’t walk in your shoes, so I can’t say definitively, but it sounds like what I dealt with. Someone who wants to "have his cake and eat it too." He wants to please the ex-wife (due to financial reasons) and have you as well. I can say from firsthand, this is so incredibly selfish on his part. You are offering 100 percent of yourself and he’s offering you a fraction. That isn’t fair. He has so much baggage, the plane couldn’t even take off. We all come with some baggage, but that is ridiculous. I challenge you to look at yourself and be honest. Does your love story look like a man who still lives with his ex and doesn’t have the balls to go all in with you? I would imagine the answer is "no." Love is hard to find. I know how hard it is and how much we are willing to turn a blind eye or make excuses for someone you are trying to make a relationship work with. I am not criticizing you for finding yourself here. I’m merely challenging you, to evaluate your time and what it’s worth. You said you feel like you’re getting older. That being said, do you think the time you have is worth seeing a man who won’t even let you in his house? One that won’t allow you into his life? One that still has ties? I sure as fuck know how it made me feel. In regards to his "cute house," why wouldn’t he move in with you and make your house a home, with you, the person he says is the love of his life? Why would he want to stay one more day with a toxic person, in a horrible situation, than be with you? I’m sorry, but no house is that great. Home is so many more things than the walls.
After I left my relationship (which was similar to yours), I never looked back. I was only upset that I wasted my time with someone who wouldn’t be available to me. It was like throwing my love and effort down a well. Frankly, what he’s making you accept is emotional abuse. You could be working on yourself, away from this. You could be with someone who’s all about you. Why be okay with this? We all deserve better, including you.
-DiscountTherapist
Ethical Erections
My boyfriend and I have a long-distance relationship, in the respect that he works out of town most of the time and he’s only home sporadically. He struggles with some erectile dysfunction issues and has a prescription for it. Our sex drives aren’t really matching up. He’s about to come home for about 40 hours, then leaving for another three months right after that. I want our time together when he’s home to be amazing. I also want him to have confidence. I feel like a lot of his problems are in his head. I need to bond with him and have intimacy, as well as meet my physical needs. It is really hard for me to go long stretches of time without sex. I would never cheat on him, but when I’m with him, I want to be with him. I’m thinking about crushing up his pills and putting them in his drink, to make sure we can be together and it will satisfy us both.
-Pharma-girlfriend
Dear Pharma-girlfriend,
One of the hardest relationship dynamics is the long-distance one, which it sounds like you’re in. How difficult. I can understand how frustrating that can be. I, personally, haven’t tried it. The closest I’ve come was dating a firefighter. He was home a few days a week, then gone for the rest. During the summer, in brush-fire season, he could be gone until further notice—it was awful. I’m not sure what he does for a living, but I can understand somewhat how hard it can be and the divide it can drive between two people who want to be together more often, but can’t. I mean, to be honest, sometimes it was nice to have my independent time. Hanging out with friends, pursuing hobbies, etc. There are positives. But, at the end of the day, not coming home to the person you love is extremely difficult. Also, in a way, it’s unnatural. If you enter into a relationship with someone, you expect them to be there—to build a life with you. If they are gone for months, days or weeks, it is a strange feeling. I mean, even if it’s for work. Even if they’re putting out forest fires. Nobility is all well and good, but at the end of the day, we want to go to bed with our partners.
I feel for your situation and the loneliness you must endure. No relationship is perfect—none. They all have things about them, that we would wish were different. No man is an island. No woman is, either. I’m truly sorry that your partner is gone so long from you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Maybe this dynamic works. If it does, fucking awesome.
On to the real question. Is it okay to crush up you partner’s pills and dose him without him knowing?
No.
Absolutely not.
You may NOT do that. Taking on a partner requires us to give someone a lot of access to our bodies, access to our selves and begs for a lot of trust. If you love and care about this person—which I’m sure you do—you cannot violate that line of trust by doing something like that. You are not authorized to give him anything he doesn’t agree to, including medication prescribed to him. That’s his choice (if he wants to take it), not yours. Sex isn’t owed to you. He gives it to you when he wants to. Imagine if you two were at a bar and he tipped the bartender extra, to give you a double (instead of your normal drink), so you could go home and "be more fun." Sure, you’re already drinking, but you’re choosing the amount yourself. How would you feel if someone decided you needed more, without asking you? I suspect you’d feel pretty fucking weird about that. As a woman, you should know exactly how important that boundary is. Just because he’s a guy, does not mean his body and his sexuality are open-season. This would only be okay if you talked about it beforehand and he said you could do that—but, I’m guessing you didn’t (or, you wouldn’t be asking).
If you feel as if intimacy is an issue in your relationship, I suggest focusing on the cerebral, rather than the physical. Do you have an open dialogue about sex and each others needs? Are you discussing how difficult it is to be apart? When you are together, is it satisfying for you? For both of you? You mentioned his confidence, have you tried expressing enthusiasm for other sexual acts you can engage in, that don’t involve an erection? There’s a myriad of things that you can do together sexually, that doesn’t require a penis. If you feel like he’s too in his head about this subject, try taking him out of it by not making it an issue. I know that’s easier said than done, but if you love this person and want to invest in this, it takes work—all relationships do. If it wasn’t on this subject, chances are it would be something else. The cards are stacked against you, with a dynamic like that. It’s going to be hard. If you both put in the effort, it can work. You cannot force it. You are not allowed to dupe your partner into anything—at all. I’m pretty sure we, as women, fought long and hard (and still do) to have the concept of consent understood and respected. We need to do the same.
-DiscountTherapist
