The age of moderation is over—we are now in the age of minimalism! This movement is permeating our culture, be it our food, our spending habits, our living situation, our music, our movies, our literature or our stuff. Lifestyle gurus, like Marie Kondo, are spearheading the new normal of not acquiring and owning a bunch of inanimate objects, just to appease the ever-growing, Akira-esque monster that is capitalism— specifically, the American brand that seems to think we’ll never, EVER run out of literal, physical space (or breathable air, for that matter).
Now, if you’re reading this column (and not just flipping through it to find the titties), you are more than likely a musician, so the concept of minimalism is nothing new to you. You are probably confused as to why yuppies and neo-liberal bourgeoisie all of a sudden want to get rid of all the stuff that you only wish you had, because some television personality told them it’s the reason their children don’t talk to them. This sweeping daytime talk show fad of "less is more" doesn’t apply to you, because you literally don’t have anything. Five-hundred bucks says you sleep on a mattress (sans box spring) in the corner of some five-bedroom house, which you split with six other "artists." What else could you possibly get rid of, when the house has a communal toothpaste tube? I’ll tell you what...all that music stuff you have! Be it the excessive amount of antiquated instruments you keep around the living room (so people will think you’re cultured), to your unnecessarily big record collection. Do not think you can’t also hop on this midlife crisis purge. With Ole Blazer’s help, you too can pretend to improve your emotional health! Behold—a few areas in your pathetic existence where we can spark some motherfucking joy, by getting rid of some of the trappings weighing you down in life.
I’m going to tell you what your girlfriend (ex-girlfriend, I assume at this point) has already told you: you have too many guitars—literally. You have wasted money and your partner’s living space with all of these instruments. The appropriate number of guitars any guitarist (or person, for that matter) should have is two—an electric and an acoustic. If you have more than one acoustic guitar, you must hate trees. They all sound the fucking same. As for electric, there may be a wide variety of styles that remind you of some shitty dad rock band, but I hate to break it to you...no one cares about the tonal differences between your Fender Telecaster and your Fender Stratocaster. Even the hardcore music nerds that talk to you after shows are only pretending that the singlecoil twang delivers a distinct bite, which the meaty crunch of a Humbucker does not. It’s just an excuse to sound like you know what you’re talking about and justify spending all of those dollars. So, into the wood chipper with all of your guitars! You’ll thank me later.
I mean...do we even need to talk about this? Why do you have a CD collection? I know you’re probably a millennial and CDs are the medium you grew up with, but there is no need to still have a collection. CDs are literally garbage. There was this thing called iTunes that came out two decades ago, and then, this other thing called Spotify, a decade after that. Digital music needs no physical form anymore. Your boxes of first-press, golden-age hip hop CDs, from high school (that you used to show off) are now literally taking up space, which could be used for dry food storage. No one cares. Look up the fucking songs on YouTube. Also, I hate to break it to you, but vinyl doesn’t sound better—it just takes up space. Aren’t you tired of moving those milk crates every time your landlord kicks you out for not paying the electric bill? I bet you are. Those heavy disks of landfill fodder aren’t sparking a lot of joy when you have to haul them from tenuous living situation to tenuous living situation, are they? Lessen the burden you carry from punk squat to punk squat to achieve a true sense of O.G. spirituality
Clothing is important. It keeps us warm. It hides our shameful, ugly bodies. We can’t do without clothing, unless we are in a very strict nudist colony. However, in the spirit of minimalism, we should still be aware of the demons of excess. As a musician, I assume you have one pair of pants and two— at most, three—pairs of underwear. In this sense, you are following the minimalist tome to the T. However, there is one T where you are failing miserably at, following the reduction manifesto: your upper body wear! If you have more black T-shirts of musical artists than the number of years you have been alive on this earth, you have too many of said shirts. The correct number of band Tshirts should be your age, divided by two, then take that number and subtract it by itself. Buy a shirt with some fucking buttons. That’s why you don’t get called back for job interviews.
I hope this article has sparked joy in your life.
Nama Fucking Ste.
