You’ve probably heard of the Nextflix series The Goop Lab by now and its mainstreaming of "alternative" medicine. Obviously, alternative treatments have been around for a while—it’s nothing new—rejection of mainstream medicine is as old as the hills. Anti-vax, crystal healing, the Portland Gluten Free Expo, ACV to cure everything, spirit guides, juice cleanses, and now, jade eggs for our vaginas. I was pondering this and wondering if we, in our hubris and modernization, may have overlooked some other viable or useful alternative therapies from the bygone era. In my studies, I discovered a wealth of almost certainly revolutionary treatments, which I firmly advocate we bring back into use. I’ve compiled a list, which I plan on sending to Gwyneth Paltrow’s crack team of open-minded researchers to try—but first, I humbly submit it to you, dear reader.
Manufactured from 1918-1928, this miraculous water was said to cure all manner of ills. It reportedly cured impotence, sped healing of physical wounds, treated depression and malaise, and was marketed as "perpetual sunshine." It contained triple distilled water and dissolved radium. Now, don’t freak out here—sure, "they" say it was highly radioactive and caused its biggest fan, a playboy named Eben Byers, to develop holes in his skull and have his jaw fall off. Sure, "they" say he had to be buried in a lead-lined coffin. But, that’s probably all just misinformation and hype to discredit this amazing potion. We all know, now, that radiation can help cure cancer, so it must be good. Let’s bring back this no doubt extraordinary cure-all and add it to our kale shakes—what’s the worst that could happen?
In this era of eco-consciousness and upcycling, the Antimony pill is the perfect fit. It was a lauded laxative, purgative and revitalizing medicine in the 17th through 19th centuries and it’s honestly amazing that it hasn’t retained its popularity. It was sometimes called the "everlasting pill," because when you swallowed it, it would pass through the bowels, leeching out antimony on its way, causing a rapid and violent expulsion of their contents. However, because it was metallic, it wouldn’t dissolve. Thus, when it came out the other end, it was recovered, cleaned and taken again. What’s more green-conscious than sifting through your toilet for a reusable pill? I can’t think of anything.
We all know that ancient wisdom is the best kind and not many medical practices date back further than this one. Evidence for it goes as far back as the Neolithic, so there certainly must be something to this unfortunately abandoned treatment. In ancient times, when someone was depressed or suffering from wild mood swings, they were known to have demons in their head. Our modern equivalent might be "negative energy." What would be the best way to remove a demon (or negative energy) from your head? Why, to drill a hole in your skull to release it, of course. There is some modern use of trepanning by free-thinking individuals who claim it increases brain blood volume and enhances cerebral metabolism. Really, that’s all the evidence we need to bring back this ancient miracle cure.
Used to "draw out" infection, hysteria, fever, insanity and a host of other complaints, this practice—sometimes called "vesiculation"—employed the use of crushed blister beetles, herbs and various additional curatives, to be blended and applied as a plaster to the patient. Occasionally, a blister would be produced by immersing a piece of metal into boiling water for several minutes and then applying it directly to the body. A painful blister—or series of blisters—would rise up on the skin and be cut open, to release whatever bad humours were causing the ailment. This technique of purging toxins from the system may not have the same glamour as a juice cleanse, but it’s certainly more expeditious and definitely just as effective.
Mercury has a long and storied use in the medical treatment of everything, from syphilis to melancholy, psychiatric complaints, constipation, influenza, teething infants and parasites. As far back as the 2nd century B.C., the great Chinese Emperor, Qin Shi Huang, took an elixir of mercury in his quest for immortality. Despite the fact that naysayers claim that it actually killed him, I advocate for the return of this amazing substance to treat, well, whatever. Just because modern medical science says that this beautiful metallic element is poisonous, doesn’t it seem just as likely that this is all propaganda from big pharma? Calomel was a mercury salt containing medicine that was used widely for years and just because "they" say it caused the deaths of babies, I for one don’t buy that something with a name as cool as "Quicksilver" could be anything but miraculous.
This treatment was used by ancient Native American peoples, which automatically means it’s valid. Now, we know that modern doctors say that the use of tobacco is "bad" and "carcinogenic," but that’s certainly just because modern cigarettes are laced with toxic chemicals. Using all-natural versions will surely remove this risk. Tobacco smoke enemas reportedly stimulated respiration, treated colds, hernias, cramps, typhoid fever, cholera and even headaches. By the 17-1800s in Europe, the practice gained popularity and was used so widely, the Royal Humane Society installed tobacco smoke enemas in their resuscitation kits along the River Thames. Sadly, by 1811, the practice had fallen out of favor because something about nicotine being a "poison," but I think this was just some stuffy, old, racist doctors who thought they knew better than the Native American peoples. It’s worth noting, also, that this is the source of the phrase "to blow smoke up [someone’s] ass."
Now, while this is by no means a complete list of the forgotten wisdom of alternative therapies (Phrenology and lobotomy come to mind), this is at least an important review of how modern western medicine rejects treatments that certainly at least deserve a second look and I hope you consider applying them in your own life.
Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle is a traveling snake oil salesman, spirit guide and life coach. She can be found on MeWe by name or by channeling positive energy through your chakras.
