March is St. Paddy’s Day month, which means that everyone gets a pass to be a drunk piece of shit. But, this year, it will be 4/20 for an entire month—April is gonna kick March’s ass, when it comes to substance wars. So, to prepare for four-point-two-zero weeks of cannabis consumption, I’ve put together a few tips to help rationalize swapping out one substance for another, instead of just growing up and living like a sober adult. In the past, I’ve used this column to demonstrate why booze sucks and blunts rock, but I failed to mention some of the lesser-discussed aspects of choosing smoke over sauce. Here are some of those aspects...
Compared to a week-long bender fueled by alcohol, the real-life consequences of decisions made while baked at a festival or during a road trip are practically harmless. I’ve never once smoked too much weed, invited my ex to Vegas, spent my savings and broken a few bones in the process...but, this was just another Friday, back when I was heavily sauced up on the booze. With weed, the paranoia factor—not to mention the quasi-legal nature and historically frowned-upon counterculture surrounding cannabis—means that a certain level of awareness (or anxiety and paranoia, in extreme cases) prevents most stoners from doing extremely reckless shit. You’re probably not going to be taking non-calculated risks while high on dabs, save for a trip to the ice cream shop or wasting money on a used Sublime album.
Of course, a lack of decision-making, forgetfulness and otherwise sloth-like habits can develop in habitual weed smokers. Hell, I forgot that March was St. Paddy’s Day month, until I saw an ad for tax experts, which made me realize I haven’t even started on my taxes, because I’m still lagging on other projects, forgetting magazine deadlines and still haven’t sent out Christmas presents to my aunt. So, yeah, getting stoned all the time isn’t going to make you into an example of ideal adulthood. But, booze will turn anyone (of any age) into a slobbering child, one whose mornings consist of reading a bunch of angry texts to figure out what happened last night and why they’re waking up inside of a Winco.
The old saying, "if folks could just sit down and share a joint, they’d get along," is true. For example, last month, a video circulated around the web, showing Antifa protesters and Trump supporters sharing a blunt, during a clash of public marches. One party was heard saying "Fuck it, everyone smokes weed, let’s take a break and roll this up!" Compare this to alcohol, which can turn even the best people into violent, sloppy, agitated, arrogant heaps of human trash—I know, because I’ve been there. Alcohol can turn a good person bad, while weed can turn a shitty person good. Further, it’s really hard to get pissed off while high—if you discuss religion or politics at a bar (especially one located on the outskirts of town), you’re going to have a bad time. On the other hand, getting baked and discussing religion and/or politics is actually kind of fun. Cannabis unifies people, but alcohol can turn even the best of friends into bitter enemies.
Take a minute and ask yourself what the alcohol community has brought to the table in the past few years. White Claw? Home brew? Shitty strip mall taphouses? A dramatic rise in sexually transmitted infections, driven by a hook-up culture, digital narcissism and gender warfare? Aside from wine snobs, no one who drinks really cares what they’re drinking or how it is affecting their health. The number of "medical uses" for alcohol (aside from social ills) is pretty much zero.
Turn your direction toward the cannabis industry and you’ll see third-generation, USB-adaptable, smart devices that can extract THC from anything green and ground, which results in cancer patients, stroke victims and autistic kids being able to function for the first time ever. Basically, the
Elon Musk variety of stoner is good for society in ways that we could have never imagined—well, to be fair, everyone knew the stoner who was constantly making water bongs out of random shit from the hardware store and now he’s all grown up and working on curing Alzheimers, by extracting oils from plants. We should have trusted that guy more. Rob, if you’re reading this, we all owe you an apology for calling your trips to Ace Hardware a "stoner hobby." Can I borrow your Tesla?
Even though both industries are based on basic chemistry and literally just involve turning buds into things that make people intoxicated, the alcohol industry is responsible for thousands of deaths, whereas the cannabis industry’s worst sin is producing thousands of Deadheads.
Speaking of science, politics, innovation, lifestyle and culture, shit’s pretty fucked up right now. Regardless of where you fall on the snowflake-to-fascist spectrum (i.e. the only acceptable political compass in Portland), alcohol isn’t going to make anything better. Put it this way—I have specific strains of weed that I reserve for different types of news media. If I’m watching Trump give a speech, I go heavy indica, with some OG Kush. If I’m watching my Facebook friends have a meltdown over Trump’s latest speech, I opt instead for a nice sativa, like Blue Dream.
Cannabis helps put things into perspective, particularly the one where a member of the WWE Hall Of Fame and former reality show host is turning the "tolerance and compassion" crowd into a rage-filled hate mob. Politics, while high, is just as stupid and entertaining as it’s always been. But, after having a few shots, the mere sight of Tucker Carlson or Rachael Maddow makes me want to punch a toddler.
The "cannabis makes shit laughable and easy to deal with" concept isn’t limited to politics, either. Do you hate your job? Try getting high before you go to work. Trapped in a dead-end relationship? Smoke some weed and laugh it off (but then, really, break up with them—life is too short).
Can’t keep up on our ever-evolving cultural dialects, sick of the men-versus-women debate and tired of forgetting your friend’s pronouns? Good news—if you’re stoned, you can call everyone "dude" and it’s okay. Cannabis may make people lazy, but the byproduct of this is that lazy people are too, well, lazy to care about the dumb shit. But, hey, that’s just, like, my opinion, man...*hits joint*. It’s cool if you got a different one.
