While I’m committed to keeping divisive politics and potentially controversial opinions out of this column, I’m going to take a leap and assume that every person—from left to right, center to fringe, Donnercrats, Republikarens, libertarians, Libertarians and "I really don’t pay attention to politics"-ians alike—can agree that there has been some serious hypocrisy on behalf of our "government" "leaders," when it comes to COVID lockdown rules. Particularly, there has been an almost braggart-like arrogance on display from every mayor, governor, city council member, neighborhood watch director and school election supervisor, in every city and state, from coast to coast.
For instance, take New York’s Mayor Bill De Blasio, whose city tossed COVID-positive elders into a senior care facility (which is the equivalent of rounding up all the lost dogs and leaving them at the kitten shelter). Get this—after closing the city, asking everyone from bodega owners to taxi drivers to take a loss (and, in some cases, their own life), De Blasio made sure that his wife maintained her two-million-a-year gig. Why? Well, apparently his wife and her crew are an "essential business" that includes a $143,000/year public relations advisor and a $70,000/year "racial equality task force" (while black businesses close down and Harlem is forced to evacuate). Now, compare New York’s "essential" workers to "just a" stripper workers (I’m using normie language to prove a point)—dancers are often psychotherapists, athletes, social workers, best-friends-for-hire and otherwise a vital part of many people’s social life (and, thus, mental health), yet they are being written off as "non-essential" by assistants of supervisors to the second-in-command at some rich dude’s wife’s public relations practice.
Basically, the elites hate you—ignore their hashtags, ignore their "positive messages" and forced memes. They hate you. You are nothing to the people who live behind gold gates and call the governmental shots. There is one party—read 1984 before it becomes nonfiction.
Yet, there exists some bullshit "dichotomy" that keeps us all divided. What is the solution? How can we reach a nice medium between "everyone should stay inside and die" and "I refuse to wear a mask in hospitals and crowded stores," without appealing to moral, political or emotional reasoning? Further, how can we detach from our own biases, in order to find a way to make things resemble the "old normal," just a little bit? I say we first need to stop being part of the problem and then hustle like there’s no tomorrow (or, rather, that there is a tomorrow...but, it’s gonna be a tough one).
Merely for example, I will note two anecdotes that convince me we’re pretty much fucked, unless the whole "collective good" thing becomes less about individual identity, politics or identity politics, and starts to resemble, well, a collective good. These are from opposing ends of the spectrum, simply to illustrate how everyone is guilty of being an idiot.
The first example of "Okay, someone put the brakes on the crazy bus" is a Facebook post from a friend, in which she was letting folks know that she had tested positive for COVID and was planning on suing the bar she worked at during the beginning of lockdown, because it was the "only place (she) had been besides the protests, and there are studies that prove there is no COVID risk at protests, because everyone is wearing masks." Put your politics aside for a second—red, blue, black or white...tear gas, physical contact and screaming are not things that reduce viral transmission. It’s the same as saying you don’t have to wear condoms with pornstars, because "they get tested" (ignoring the fact that there is an incubation period for both HIV and COVID-19, which are oddly similar in makeup).
The second example of "No, really, someone pull the cord and see if there’s even a stop coming up soon" comes from another protester, but this time, it was an anti-mask friend, who was attending a "Re-Open Oregon" rally, in which the goal was to, as you may have guessed, get businesses to re-open. What did the group do? Well, they marched to a local Starbucks—about 200 people deep—causing the employees to lock their doors in terror. After all, the employees had no idea if this was a protest or a real-life sequel to The Purge. While the intent of the protesters may have been "mostly peaceful" (that’s a phrase I wish we hadn’t been introduced to this year—9/11 was "mostly peaceful" after the morning hours) bunch of boomers, the Starbucks employees had no idea what was going on, as hundreds of angry people showed up to demand that an already open (and corporate at that) business open their doors. So, like any rational wage slaves, the baristas locked the doors and hoped for the best.
In other words, people on one side think that protesting makes them immune to non-partisan viruses, while folks on the other side are holding "re-open" rallies, which result in business being forced to close early.
So, what’s my point here? People are fucking stupid and you’re probably smarter than most of them. Trust your gut and know your value. Stop looking to a television screen or a free sex-and-drugs magazine for instructions. You got this.
As with literally every other historical era, no one has any idea what the fuck they’re doing. And, this is good news for you, the stripper, bouncer, DJ, bartender, customer and/or "not-technically boyfriend, but we’re fucking" driver, because, what was once an "alternative lifestyle" has become yet another legitimate casualty of 2020.
Why is this good news? Rebirth.
You are in an extremely rare position, one in which you can finally re-apply your skills to any area imaginable, without the same societal judgment that would be present in a non-insanity year. Want to become a better pole dancer? Time to practice at home. Want to up your networking skills? Time to text some old regulars. Want to open your own club? There is likely one going up for sale (or, at least an old coffee cart that you can turn into a bikini espresso place—just to get a start). The world is currently distracted with plagues, riots and politics. I cannot think of a better time to get good at what you do, than while everyone else is losing their shit.
Plus, the stripper stigma is practically absent right now. Let’s say that Tom Hanks was president, the economy was doing great and it was still illegal to wear masks in banks—people living in this type of world are gonna judge you for being one of those "sex worker types" in "weird-ass Portland." But, in 2020, the phrase "I have literally any job at all" is godlike and worthy of respect. The moral authoritarians—on both sides—are too busy arguing with Karen and/or trying to recall Kate (both of which I am okay with), and it’s a noticeable difference from the days of evangelical Susan and her crew of Christian cat moms playing protest-the-new-strip-club-for-being-demonic, while at the same time, the local papers denounce the place for not having enough gluten-free options or supporting patriarchal gender roles. The point is, it’s hard to be authoritarian and smug when your Tell Everyone Else What To Do store is boarded up.
There is a subtle shift of power going on right now—local Portland newspapers are no longer news, nor on paper, while this glossy, full-color publication is still piling up on the backs of toilets everywhere, providing narratives that aren’t echoed by every rag on the block. Four of my favorite steakhouses have closed entirely, but the Acropolis is still open (and, this place has had dozens of "closing" rumors throughout the years, so props to them). I know lobbyists who are out of work (during an election year, even), but my stripper homies are using various apps to post their schedules, sell private videos and otherwise "buy the dip" in this market—some are even running for office.
Without stereotyping, I will make the assumption that many people are drawn to this industry as a result of having experienced some form of hardship—so, remind yourself, that most normies at the nine-to-five have never, ever experienced this type of situation. You are leagues ahead of the neighbors next door. Take some time to reflect on this and then, most importantly, take a deep breath.
We got this.
SAT 12—STARS (BRIDGEPORT)—WILD WILD WEST PARTY
DAILY—STARS (SALEM)—1, 2, 3 & 4 HAPPY HOUR 4-6PM
DAILY—CABARET—HAPPY HOUR 11AM-5PM
DAILY—CHEETAHS XXX CABARET—OPEN UNTIL 2AM (TU-SUN), 4AM OR
LATER FRI & SAT
DAILY—Dv8—HAPPY HOUR 4PM-7PM
DAILY—GUILTY PLEASURES—HAPPY HOUR 1:30PM-5PM
DAILY—SCARLET LOUNGE—HAPPY HOUR 10AM-4PM (4-YEAR ANNIVERSARY
ALL MONTH LONG)
