The rules surrounding appropriate behavior during this time of pandemic uncertainty are constantly changing. Thankfully, we are here to provide you with this list of...
Hey ’yall.
Do you remember that time you dated that man who was much older than you?
You kind of kept it a secret from your friends—even from yourself, in a way. Maybe it was that he seemed more established in the world, less emotional and stupid than guys your age. Or, maybe it was the context around dating an older man as "taboo" that turned you on. Anyways, it was 2015 back then. Obama was still president, you were 22. Yeah. Its not that weird.
Cocteau Twins
When you first heard Elizabeth Frasier’s etheric vocals and Robin Guthrie’s swirling, dream-pop-guitar style, it was when your older boyfriend put on "Heaven Or Las Vegas," before eating you out to all of Side A. That’s right—it was on vinyl. He was so much older than you!
That first time sure was great, but when it became routine, you noticed he ate you out with the same unambiguous gratitude shown by a…well, by a much older man, who wants to fuck young women, but doesn’t get to often...huffing like a pioneer scuba diver.
He wasn’t a musician himself, which wasn’t what you were expecting. But, still, pretty good taste.
Lizzy Mercier Descloux
LMD is the ultimate manic pixie dream girl; she went to art school, made post-punk music in the ’80s, tried some acting, is French and just like you, dated older men—one of whom, named Esteban, produced an album and several singles for her. The guy who I’ve been talking about this whole time, the one who was like, twelve years older than you, introduced you to Lizzy Mercier Descloux while you were on a day trip out to some nudist hot springs. You hadn’t expected for the age difference to be so obvious, when the two of your were naked.
When he is standing up, walking around naked, his stomach has horizontal lines from all the years of sitting down with his fat, little gut. Most men look terrible all the time and it’s a curse to be attracted to them.
Love & Rockets
Anyways, everyone knows that the age difference being such a big taboo makes the whole thing hotter. And, you know that when you break up with him, it’s less likely that he will have some embarrassing meltdown, like men in your own age group. Also, up to that point, you had yet to have sex with a guy who could last for the length of "The Dog-End Of A Day Gone By."
Felt
When sex becomes routine—a dull, one-sided ritual intended to prevent another pathetic emotional meltdown from your much older boyfriend—you know its time to get out.
He would go down on you, then get up on his knees to put the condom on, allowing his genitals to hover near your head, like a panhandler at an intersection—just hovering near your face waiting for SOMETHING. Ugh.
Around the time things started to get stale, when you could see he was as much of a child as the men in your own age group, he introduces you to the lucious, unique sounds of Felt.
Felt is one of the most underrated indie acts of the ’80s and their ten-album, ten-EP catalogue is best enjoyed all at once—ideally, spread out over several day trips to the river, in your much older ex-boyfriend’s old-but-well-maintained car.
Things were pretty chill between you two for the first five months, then he just flipped and started getting super clingy and asking a ton of questions about who you hung out with. It was a bummer, but also well-timed. He wasn’t the worst, just kind of depressing. So, it was when he specially curated a playlist of Felt instrumental tracks on Spotify, ending the relationship became much easier.
China Crisis
If you read enough feminist literature, you will no doubt be left with the strong impression that when older men are in a sexual relationship with a younger woman, there is a power imbalance in the man’s favor, and further, that the man is wittingly cultivating this imbalance. In your experience, however, you had power over him the whole time. After watching him sob pitifully multiple times because you "got mad at him," you realized that it is difficult for men to not be pathetic. Sometimes, they just don’t get it, regardless of how long they’ve been on this planet. Rather than being straight up abusive power dynamics, sexual relationships with older men are as layered and nuanced as the sophomore album by one of the greatest art pop bands, China Crisis. Like the Chameleons, they had a distinctive dreamy style, which highlighted your much older ex-boyfriend’s problematic emotional addiction.
The upside, though, is that you didn’t have to spend all that time researching music—all you had to do was have a nine-month relationship. An experiment, really.
So, you get to come across as a bit more interesting, to some people, by saying you know about stuff like Kitchens Of Distinction or Wire. That’s pretty sweet.
Wait...37 minus 22…15! Holy shit. All this time you kept telling yourself he was twelve years older than you, but it was…wow. He was probably masturbating the exact second you were born.
Man, did that guy like ’80s music, though. Probably because of how much older he was. To him, the ’80s don’t seem so long ago, because he was alive then. And, you know his parents probably played that stuff while he was a child, way back then, during the 1980s. Such a long time ago.
(Stephanie Anderson is a lifestyle blogger, food coach and cat lover who loves tea, from San Francisco, CA)
