They say a bartender acts as a therapist. I decided to make it official. My only credentials are listening to hundreds upon hundreds of people’s problems over more years than I can admit. Let me wipe the bar down for you, put down a fresh coaster, then pour you a drink. Pull up your stool and tell me all about it. Remember, I’ve heard it all. If you have a question, please write DiscountTherapist@Yahoo.com. You will remain anonymous. Also, you get what you pay for.
I’m writing to get your take on something that has myself—plus, a lot of my friends and colleagues—thinking. I’m hoping that, as a fellow service industry professional, you can give your personal take on this.
The impact of COVID-19 has laid bare the vulnerabilities and issues within the hospitality industry. We, as a community, are not immune to this sort of disaster and I know it has a lot of us thinking about what the future of our livelihood—and, our community—looks like. It took me years to become okay with the idea that I may be a career bartender and I even have laid plans to open my own bar someday soon. Now, I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. It’s gotten me considering saying "fuck it" and pursuing another field entirely. My question is, do you think I’m being dramatic? Is it better to play it safe and get an early start on a new career, or is this me abandoning ship?
I can’t imagine my life without the community around me and I also don’t want to hear a hearty "I told you so" from those that don’t believe what we do is real work.
Thanks!
- Up In The Air
Dear Up In The Air,
As a bartender myself, I totally relate to this question. I, myself, have done a lot of soul searching as far as my future holds. I also have questioned whether or not I need to seek a new career. I was concerned about this, even before the pandemic. The restaurant and bar industry is one of the riskiest businesses to invest in, including your livelihood. It’s a constant roller coaster. You literally don’t know what kind of money you’re going to make. I downloaded an app once, to track it and create graphs and stats for me, so I could get an idea—and, it was so all over the board, it didn’t make sense. It is definitely not for everyone and we know that. Not just anyone can host a party, squash another person’s good time by swiping their drink or 86ing them, monitor creepy or dangerous behavior, clean up bodily fluids, cut our hands on broken glass, watch miserable Tinder dates, listen to yelling and screeching to the soundtrack of blasting music, break up fights or deal with disgruntled customers. To us, it’s all in a night’s work. Not everyone is cut from that cloth. Those of us who have chosen this profession (or, have it beset upon us) have made a deal with the devil. You will make a lot of money—but, in exchange for part of your soul. You won’t see people the same way again. Ever.
These times are unprecedented and scary for all of us. Literally NO ONE knows what they are doing right now. We are all just taking baby steps and trying to learn how to deal with the "new normal." It’s completely reasonable to fear what is to happen next. Hell, everyone should always worry about what should happen next—COVID or otherwise. You are right to be introspective and be forward-thinking.
I’m no expert, but I do know a few things about bars and restaurants—in the history of everything, both have always managed to survive. People will always want to go out to eat and drink. ESPECIALLY drink. Even when it was illegal during prohibition, people went to great lengths to get a drink. People literally died and were imprisoned, going to great lengths to consume and supply alcohol. History has shown us that people are never NOT going to go out and drink. When I was a manager of a certain well-known coffee chain that exists on every damned corner of everywhere, we talked about “the third place.” What that means, is all humans seek a comfortable place to go other than home and work. Something in a routine that provides solace. It could be a coffee shop, and more relevant to our conversation, it would be a bar.
What is my point? For the rest of time, virus or not, people will show up to get a drink. Always. Now and forever. Is it a glamorous line of work? We both know it is not. The most important thing is supply and demand. There are a few lines of work that provide that level of job security and we are lucky enough to be in one of them. The well isn’t going to dry up.
If you happen to be burnt out, that’s an entirely different thing to consider. It happens to a lot of us. The constant social interaction, attention, various bullshit...trust me, I know—it can wear your ass down. Sure, the money rush can feel amazing, like winning at video poker. Coming home and pulling out that wad of cash and counting it. Reaching into a back pocket of a garment you haven’t worn in a while and finding random bills. Also, becoming a therapist—a sounding board for intoxicated people. Being objectified. Feeling unsafe. Sometimes coming home from a shift and marveling at how little you made. Just like gambling, it is a true crapshoot.
I don’t know what the future holds for any of us. All I know is, if I was going to go all-in on a risky bet right now, a bar would still be my choice. They’re a pain in the ass to work in right now, I know—and don’t even get me started on what it takes to own one. As long as it’s not sending you down the drain of insanity, you are in a safe investment, as far as a job for now. Long term? I’m not sure. Only you know.
I moved here (to Portland) about 13 years ago, with my then-boyfriend of seven years. We ended up breaking up because he cheated on me. I said I would be willing to work it out, but he said he was no longer interested. I was devastated and never saw it coming. I thought we were happy. We have remained amicable the last five years we’ve been split. He watches my dog any time I go out of town. It’s mutually beneficial. I don’t have to board her or pay a sitter, and he gets to see the dog (whom he is very attached to). The last time I had him watch the dog for a few days, his new girlfriend got jealous, for whatever reason. My ex and I have no interactions—except for business—and, we even always meet in a neutral place, such as a park. My ex’s new girlfriend has made an ultimatum that he cannot come and get the dog anymore, unless we have drinks together—my current partner included. He has no interest in this. My current partner is already trying to understand the nature of our relationship. He literally gets nothing out of going to get drinks with my ex and his new girlfriend. I should mention that the girlfriend becomes an unpredictable shit-show when she drinks. I want my ex to still see the dog. I want the dog to spend time with him. I do not want to do this drink date. I know it will be horrible.
-Dog Mom
Dear Dog Mom,
I completely understand that you want your dog to live its best life and see all the people it loves. I also understand how convenient it can be to have a built-in babysitter that you know and trust. Boarding a dog can be incredibly expensive. Also, if your roommates are as responsible as mine, it’s definitely not a viable option. I can’t trust mine to lock the front door, much less take care of a living, dependent thing.
This is an interesting dilemma, because if you don’t get the drink, you seem petty or jealous. If you want to remain friends and have any sort of relationship with your ex, it sounds like it is important for this meeting to happen in order to make his life easier. It sounds like your friendship makes your life easier at times, as well. If you do go, it may be drama. It may be uncomfortable. I’ll tell you this...being a bartender, I cannot stand being around bad drunks when I’m not being paid to—at all.
It will be awkward as ass. If you’ve truly moved on from this relationship, just do it. If you still have residual feelings, I can see how this could be hard. If it gets too crazy, you get the option of getting up and leaving. He made his bed, he gets to lie in it. I would challenge your current partner to show up as well, for support. You shouldn’t have to face that situation alone. Perhaps, suggest coffee or lunch instead?
You also don’t need to do this at all. You owe this person nothing. They treated you with disrespect by breaking your trust. If this is extremely uncomfortable for you, there is no need to do it. If all you need is an occasional dog babysitter, I’m here for you. Just message me. I love dogs. I’ll bet there are a lot of people in your life that would do it, too. Don’t stoop if you don’t want to. I’d ask yourself if there’s a deeper-rooted issue there.
