People are always talking about animals. We have entire television networks dedicated to watching animals and having commentary on their behavior. However, most of these channels and programs focus on their habits—or the plight of their conservation—as opposed to whether or not they’re actually any good.
Naturally, I figured I’d take it upon myself to do the exhaustive research into the animal kingdom and compile a list of nature’s absolute worst creatures. Only contemporary animals are in this list, so don’t get on social media chastising me for a lack of dinosaurs. It’s also only proper animals—no insects, arachnids or other things in the taxonomic group known as "bugs ’n’ shit." That would need its own article and it’d be a list of hundreds. I do not like bugs. Especially ants. To any ants, or ant sympathizers—fuck you.
The hippopotamus. The fucking hippo. Do you want to know why the hungry, hungry hippo made this list? Well, I’ll tell you. For one, they kill a lot of people—like, 500 a year—on purpose. They might look like a giant sack of shit, but they are fast and they will hippo you to death. TO. DEATH. That is not an epitaph anyone wants. "Here lies Henry, hippo’d to death, as he went to pick wildflowers. Loving husband, okay father. R.I.P." So, avoid them. Plus, when they shit, they flip their dung around with a deliberate, spastic flailing of their muscular tails, in what is known as "muck spreading." So, literally every time they shit, it hits the fan. Additionally, when the London Zoo first got one in 1850, it was such a popular attraction, that someone wrote a polka about it.* A fucking polka. Though the polka is not directly their fault, I still blame them.
Endemic to the Southeastern U.S., these lizards are the legless kind, but they couldn’t just be snakes—oh no. They had to ditch the legs and still be a lizard. Like lizards, they still do that thing where their tail falls off if you manhandle them too hard. Thus the "glass" part. Wussies. They are the hipsters wearing non-prescription, horn-rimmed glasses of the animal kingdom and absolutely deserve this spot on the list, for being annoying and pretentious.
Also known somewhat famously as the "ree frog," from a series of viral internet videos, this frog is a fat asshole. They sit around and are fat, becoming bloated by eating mostly other frogs. If you try to get up in their grill, they do their famous, shrill cry, "REEEEEEE!" for what seems like forever, then they try to bite you. They have sharp teeth, so if they get you, they do not just "gum" you like many other frogs. If it were just one of that handful of things, they likely would not make the list, but since it’s a gumbo of unwholesomeness, they’re number six.
I was initially going to throw the entire subgroup of large, flightless birds known as ratites into this entry, but decided that truly, the humble emu stands tall among them as the biggest piece of shit. There are many factors that contribute to this, such as their powerful, nut-kicking legs. Also, their victory over the Australian Army in 1932’s ill-fated "Emu War" gives them points. That was an event, wherein a detachment of soldiers armed with light machine guns (Lewis Guns) went to attempt to cull emus who were destroying farmland. The emus did not have a significant percentage of their population reduced by the various skirmishes and they continue to wage a guerrilla war against Aussie farmers to this day.
Why are they on this list? Well, if you have some, you’ll know—and, if you don’t have any, you’ll also know.
Also known as the sheepshead fish, it makes this list because of its bizarre dentition. I was going to take points off because they are apparently quite delicious, but being tasty doesn’t mean you’re not an awful creature. It looks like a Fleshlight for someone with a really particular fetish—a fishlight, so to speak. But, I would not put any genitals, limbs or protrusions into its mouth, as it can bite clean through clamshells with them man-teeth. None of this is good.
Well, everyone knew the goose would be somewhere on this list, and I have to say, they almost made first place. But, due to objective, scientific considerations, they only make the second spot. The reasons they are on this list are likely obvious to anyone who has ever encountered a goose. They are vile, feathery wads of anger and loose poop. Hell, we have an old expression, "loose as a goose," which was coined by someone who likely had a front lawn covered in a sheen of slick, ripe goose shit**. Also, they are quick to anger and have a very nasty honk-and-bite routine they will perform, if you rouse their ire. Science has shown that the goose can detect the presence of a wiener and will seek for it when biting.
Yes, the horse—nature’s greatest monster. While we tend to regard domestication of the horse as an achievement for our species, in our quest to be masters of our world, I feel it may have been a mistake, as it brought us into closer contact with them and we eventually bred out most of their fear. Now, they are uncomfortable, brutish creatures with fearsome jaws—ready to take a bite out of anything, as soon as that anything isn’t looking. They might whinny and nicker and make all sorts of noises that would have you believe they are humbled—but, this is all lies. They do not know humility and are just waiting for an opportunity to do you wrong (and, they do not care after they do). Beware, the horse! It lacks remorse!!! Plus, it is indirectly responsible for "horse girls," who, if you know anything about them, have been utterly corrupted by this odd-toed ungulate of misery.
There’s the list. Surprisingly, fewer animals than I thought ended up being from Australia. But, science is about changing criteria and re-examining data, so if the list changes, perhaps more down-under creatures will make it.
I wish you all the best of luck avoiding all the creatures on this list.
Regards,
-WSTM
*It was known as the "Hippopotamus Polka." Super creative.
**Probably from "the perception that a goose has loose bowels" (Dictionary of American Slang, 4th Edition, 2010).
Wombstretcha The Magnificent is a writer, childcare hazard consultant, gorilla masseuse and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @Wombstretcha503 and on Facebook (and MeWe, the no-jail Facebook) as "Wombstretcha The Magniflcent."
