So, I’ve done bad costumes and haunted house ideas...it’s getting harder and harder to come up with clever Halloween ideas relating to music. Especially now that it seems Halloween (along with live music) is effectively canceled, until further notice. Why bother spewing some witty bullshit about our deader-than-usual scene? Just as I was about to give up, resign and go on another coke bender, I realized there is one obnoxious tradition that bands will sometimes do on this Hallowed Hallow’s Eve—putting together a tribute band for one night only. Get it? Putting on the costume of another band? I said it was obnoxious, but hey, let’s take what we can get in this never-ending lockdown.
Now, just to be clear, I’m not condoning that these bands do a non-socially-distanced performance this Halloween (as we’re probably not gonna be in the clear by then, with how our Dear Leadership has handled this debacle). However, these concepts absolutely should happen. I expect that, by next Halloween, they will be up-and-running, well-oiled machines for a badass Halloween Tribute Band Night at Lovecraft—if it still exists [ED: It does, but cancel culture finally caught up to the name and they changed it].
My partner, most of my friends and fellow musicians disapprove of tribute bands and I understand why. But, they are wrong. As cheesy as it is, it’s fun to see a band play Radiohead songs in a venue the size of your living room. Also, if they don’t suck and you close your eyes, you can pretend its Radiohead.
These tribute bands, however, are a necessary evil that I think the Portland live music scene desperately needs. For each pitch, I’ll give my indisputable facts and annotated research as to why, and if you disagree with me, you’re wrong.
PDX Musicians...make these projects happen!
As embarrassing as it may seem, the biggest hit to come out of this city—nay, this STATE—is from a dorky little garage band, covering black folks’ songs in the early sixties. Why not pay homage to Portland’s rock and roll beginnings, as well as its current, ultra queer vibe, with a Chippendales-esque, guitar-clad, quintet tribute?! Ditch the preppy suits for nothing but a bowtie and a jockstrap. Keep the high and tight quaffs. The members would ideally be buff and oily, but I suppose I shouldn’t be a body-shamer. I think this idea works best with a more old-fashioned, posters-of-Montgomery-Clift-and-James-Dean-on-the-wall-of-your-bedroom gay, as opposed to full-on drag queen. Since no one knows any other songs besides their cover of "Louie Louie," I see no reason why performances can’t just be half-hour-to-hour performances of this fun, little college frat party diddy—with lyrics changed to be wildly homoerotic. You can’t understand the lyrics in The Kingsmen’s version anyway, so you might as well go hog wild with buttsex daisy chain imagery.
See now, this would just be a straight cover band. I think Portland is the only city that needs this kind of tribute, because it’s the only city where such a band would work. This city is so high-strung to be triggered by any un-woke infractions, that it would be a crime against humanity NOT to do an Anal Cunt tribute band here. Because, at the end of the day, the people that get it will get it—and, the people that don’t will clutch their pearls so hard they’ll shit oysters. Then, they’ll run to Twitter and berate this noisy, racist, sexist, etc. band for being the worst thing ever, in all of history—blaming the patriarchy, capitalism and blah blah blah, not realizing that they are literally taking part in the grand meta art project that is doing a tribute to this little grindcore outfit from Newton, MA, in the first place. It would be so goddamned easy, too! You literally only need a blast beat drummer, a guitarist who owns a boss metal zone pedal and a portly dude with long hair, who can scream his head off. You don’t even need to learn any songs. It’s so easy! Don’t get mad at the social justice warriors—get Anal Cunt tribute band at them!
This one isn’t really Portland-specific. This is (probably) something that needs to happen for the good of humanity. Imagine the stage lighting up to three bad brothers you know so well. You’d most likely boo and jeer, if this was the first thing you saw, as Portland already has a fantastic Beastie Boys tribute band (Grand Royale). You would be right to jeer, but I ask you to at least give them a song. The needle drops to a slogging, ‘80s-style scratch intro, before syncing up to an overused 808 beat, and then...
Ad-Rock: Wouldn’t it be
All: NICE
Mike D: If we were older!
MCA: Then we wouldn’t
All: HAVE
Ad-Rock: To wait so...loooooong
Fuck you, if you don’t think this tribute band would be a money-printing machine. A cheesy, white, b-boy, hip hop version of "I Get Around" or "Barbara Ann?" Who doesn’t want to hear that? Nobody, that’s who! Trade five-part harmonies for three-part rapping. Someone pay me for this idea. Seriously. I’m honestly surprised it hasn’t happened yet.
You’re welcome, Portland. And, Happy Fucking Halloween!
