As a long time public transport user, I’ve been doing extremely in-depth research on this topic for decades and have compiled my data into a series of handy bullet points, which I hope will bring you hours of schadenfreude. Because, to ride public transportation is to suffer, and if you must suffer, so should everyone else (that, or be high enough to be oblivious).
This is a classic. Spread your legs and stretch your arms out, to occupy at least two seats—three, if your technique is pro level. If you have bags, don’t put them under your seat, as they can augment your territorial occupation and conquest. If someone asks to sit where your bags are, stare blankly at the would-be invader and menacingly whisper something so schizophrenic that there’s no possible way they’ll want to sit next to you any longer. "The cat pee rings at midnight" will do nicely.
Do I mean all the drugs you have or all the drugs you can get? No, I mean do all the drugs. Can you still determine what’s real and what’s not? Keep trying. Do you have any sense of what’s going on? Keep trying. Unless you’re mumbling incoherently and gnawing at every exposed surface like it’s nightmare gum, you’re not doing enough. If you’re 30 minutes away from a hysterical, substance-fueled psychosis, you’re 30 minutes from where you need to be. If you have a destination or any sense of where you’ve come from, you’re not ready. I don’t care what drug, as long as it mashes your consciousness down to a nub and leaves you a gibbering fool, indistinguishable from legitimate psychopathy. If so, you’re doing just the right thing—something that will terrify everyone just enough to make them question the bounds of their own reality is what we’re looking for.
...or carry the most odorous food you can find. In many countries, Durian is banned on public transportation. Fortunately for us, it’s not restricted here. Ripe durians are notorious for exuding a stench fouler than a hobo with an aggressive skin infection, and are thus perfect to make everyone’s ride just that much more miserable. Unluckily for the would-be bus pirate, they’re difficult to track down. Things like Indian food, giant sloppy burritos or tuna fish sandwiches will all do nicely. See how much of them you can get away with eating, before the bus driver puts his foot down. Make sure to chew loudly and leave a mess!
Especially during commutes—no one wants to talk to strangers on the bus, which is exactly why you should aggressively force your banter on everyone that gets within ten feet of you. Find a seat near the front, make intense unwanted eye contact with someone and immediately start in on whatever conspiracy theory suits your fancy. The crazier, the better. 9/11 was orchestrated by lizard people, chemtrails and vaccines are brainwashing us into subservience, the numerology of bus fare is real, etc. As soon as one person stops politely nodding and walks off, find a new target and start over.
Call with the gynecologist? Put it on speaker. New Justin Bieber song? Crank it up. Bus drivers are almost always too apathetic to do anything about these kinds of infractions, unless it’s bothersome to them personally, so we recommend sitting near the back of the bus. This way, it will annoy the other passengers, but not the driver.
This seems like it would be difficult to pull off, but there are a couple great ways to make it something achievable. If your pants are sagging, it’s so easy for them to slip down a bit further...a bit more...just a little more...and, voila, now everyone knows what your butt looks like. Alternately, a very long shirt, tube socks and a fanny pack are the perfect disguise. The driver won’t notice, but when you bend over to sit down, everyone else will, and it will haunt their nightmares for years. Please note, I speak from being a personal witness to this one.
Talk about your trip to China and all the crazy shit you ate there, fan yourself and complain about how hot you are (it must be jet lag). Corona’s all the rage now, so make the most of fanning the hysteria. Pretend to call your mom and rant about how everyone at the airport was sick, about how you saw some guy drop dead in the street and how you went to help him, but he just coughed all over you. Eat some chicken and lick your fingers, then touch as many people as you can. Be a close talker and then hack unexpectedly. If you really want to play it up, you can jog a bit before you get on, so you’re nice and flushed. Spreading fear and hysteria is one of life’s greatest joys, so don’t let the opportunity to fan the flames of panic pass you by.
This one requires a level of dedication most people just don’t have. It takes days—weeks, even—of stewing in your own filth, before you can build up the true potential of your funk. This one is for professionals only, because only the most committed monsters (excluding the suicidal, depressed, legitimately schizophrenic, etc.) would be willing to go to this length, just to make others miserable. Alternately, a fun shortcut olfactory torment is tracking dog shit onto the bus intentionally. Wipe it off surreptitiously, making sure to spread the redolent bouquet as far and wide as possible.
Lastly, and the true classic of all misery-inducing, unwanted interactions...
In these modern times, this isn’t even reserved for the male persuasion. Ladies, get in on the game. First, show some cleavage, make distressingly intense eye contact and then T.M.I. all over the poor guy. Talk about your exes, your intimate personal problems and how your mom will never approve of you. Make sure to throw in fun facts about yourself, like how you collect realistic baby dolls or hair from celebrities. Guys, this one should be easy, but if you want to challenge yourself, flirt aggressively with clearly heterosexual men. You might get punched, but more than likely, you’ll just haunt someone’s dreams—and, who doesn’t love making an impression?
All in all, there’s no better way to get the most out of a ride on public transportation than by making it harder for other people. The whole planet is staring at their phones—it’s up to you to shake things up and bring people back to the real world.
Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle is a dedicated bus-goblin, for whom making people uncomfortable is a life-long joy. She can be found on MeWe and Facebook by name and Instagram as @EsmeraldaSilentCitadel.
