I’m just going to get right into it—none of this should really require any explanation. But, I will give one anyway, just in case you’ve not been part of the party that’s been happening the last few months. For those of you who have been away from it, here is where the rest of us have been lately, as we fall into one of two categories:
A) Working from home, in which case we still get to chatter a bit, long-distance, with the two co-workers we can stand and make dirty jokes with.
Or,
B) Unemployed. We’ve been receiving weekly checks, which the bigwigs think we’re using to boost the economy. Everyone knows what we’re really using it on: booze, GrubHub takeout, sexy Trojan condoms and fancy lubes.
The following back-to-work shopping list is meant for both categories A and B, since preparing for the eventual return to—and, given the length of time you’ve been out of—the physical workplace, you could all use some touch-ups and restocking of the new, necessary supplies for your daily work routine. Yes, times are a changing and so can you!
On a more relatable note, you know you’re all looking forward to seeing those dead, lifeless eyes of your should-be-retired boss and saying things like "Mondays, am I right?" (and, Stacy, who always seems to act like one of those robots programmed to not understand sarcasm or any human emotion other than joy). So, let’s get the week started off right, by coming in prepared and dressing to impress!
Required only if you went through that "I’m going to do something different" phase and it didn’t end well. You know it didn’t end well, so just find a damn hat.
Make sure that these items don’t hold last night’s taco stains on them or show signs of "wear and tear" (as in, do not wear the shirt you wore to your summer fling’s house the night before, when you both saw that Trojan condom ad and decided to get jiggy with it, which then turned into a heated bout of seeing who can eat tacos the fastest after making whoopie).
I say pants loosely—anything that can cover your massive lockdown-beer-and-taco-gut...something without stains. The department store Ross is full of various fancy, mild-priced "jeggings," to almost make you look like you’re wearing nice slacks or jeans. Almost.
Please just buy some new socks. We all know if I’m having to give directions on what to wear when returning to work and you, the reader, have come this far, you MUST purchase new socks. Yours have probably been worn enough around the house to be considered "feet thongs." Just buy new socks.
You know, as long as your current shoes still fit (unlike the rest of your attire), I say just put on whatever you have laying out. If that’s flip flops, wear a nice, new pair of black socks, to make it look like you’re wearing shoes. If those shoes have holes, wear a nice, new pair of socks of the same color, so that no one will know the difference. It’s amazing what people won’t notice.
Oh, yeah...almost forgot this one. Make sure it’s something really profane. Like the time-old phrase, "this is my happy face" or a picture of moose lips—something like that.
...of course. Stacy might be a robot, but who knows where her dirty robot hands have been? Don’t shake Stacy’s hand.
To keep out all of your co-workers. Who wants to walk into a room smelling like Febreze? Really...I’ll wait for an answer.
To use for the whiskey you wave a pot of coffee over.
For after the coffee hours of the day are over and you still haven’t polished off that whiskey.
I say alcohol of choice, but I really mean whatever your wallet can afford at this point, so that you can stave off the shakes from all that practice you had, being a binge-drinking alcoholic during lockdown. So, if it’s bottom-shelf whiskey or vodka—as long as it’s 80 proof—you’re good. I suppose White Claw could work, as well, if you put them in a 7-Up bottle. Just make sure you bring a six pack (at the least).
Don’t show up to work forgetting your work. That’s a good way to have your alcohol levels tell on you. If you do manage to screw this up, just go to your closest convenience store—mask on—grab a reem of printer paper and some notebooks, make them look a little used up and run into the office, like you just had some brilliant idea while on the bus. Then, forget to share this idea with your cohorts (bonus points if you run into the convenience store with mask AND sunglasses, grab your reem of paper and run out of there, as well).
All in all, this is about the gist of it, when it comes to what to bring to work on your first day back. If pens, pencils and Kleenex were supposed to be brought by you, you aren’t working in the right field (and should find a new place, immediately, that can budget those types of supplies, while also being able to pay you a salary of sorts).
Just keep in mind, today is the beginning of the rest of your life, back in the wheels of the workforce. You weren’t necessary in the beginning, but damnit, you’re necessary now! And, so appreciated for all the hard work you’ll be putting in!
So, eat those stashed-away cupcakes you forgot that you had in your desk several months ago (they’re probably still okay), drink that alcohol like your life depended on it (I hear studies say there is something to this...) and, please, just make sure to take off your nice, clean pair of socks and blouse prior to having whoopie with your fling, who you are pretty sure is becoming a bit clingy by now...sorry Ted, no more drunken taco-sex-nights with my clothes on.
Welcome back to work! Have a wonderful day and cheers to the new normal!
Hannah is an Oregon native, known for her plethora of odd, state-specific facts. She has been known to write down page-long lists of reasons to not do things, smokes only the driest of tobacco and drinks her fair share of bottom-shelf whiskey, whilst judging the general public from her second-story studio apartment. She can be found online, but don’t bother..
