The rules surrounding appropriate behavior during this time of pandemic uncertainty are constantly changing. Thankfully, we are here to provide you with this list of...
Hi, everyone. It’s me. The Diesel. Shaq Daddy. Master of Shaq-Fu. King Of The Court. Destroyer of backboards. Shaquille. Most of you know me. I’m Superman’s number one fan. Fuck Jerry Seinfeld. I’m the one, baby. I have way more memorabilia than him. I have a storage unit as big as his apartment, filled with Superstuff. He has, what...the one little statue? Get out of here with that, Jerry Seinfeld. But, I digress. What you may not know, is that there was a time (and it pains me to admit this) that I actually did fake the funk on a nasty dunk. It fills me with shame and dread, just to think back and recall. But, I think it’s time I get this out in the open and put it all behind us...
The date was February 7, 1993. You may well recall the famous incident in Phoenix, Arizona, wherein one baby Shaq Lalane, just a rookie, took down an entire basketball hoop. I guess in the NBA, you would call it an apparatus. Those things are wild, man! They have hydraulics and everything. It’s a far cry from Nerf over the waste basket, I’ll tell you that much. AnyShaq, yeah, Shaqadocious here caused a twenty-five-minute delay for messing up that apparatus. Or, so I heard! Time was a foreign concept to me during the entire Shaquation. I think I was in Shaq. What nobody knew, and what I am here to admit to you today, is that I faked the funk.
Crazy, right? Who would have ever thought this honorary member of the Fu-Schnickens had an unreal bone in his enormous, almost comically oversized body? I am here to tell you that, yes, much like my favorite Junior Boys record, "It’s All True." Your main man, Shaq-a-toa, doubted himself for just a split second. That was all it took! I had the funk in my mind, but I did not have the funk in my heart.
As I rose above Phoenix center Mark West, I wondered if, perhaps, they were going to ding me for an over-the-back offensive foul. I couldn’t get into foul trouble that early, and I knew it would affect my aggressiveness for the rest of the game, if they called me for one. Bam. Funk faked. I thought my life was over. Lost sponsorships and trade rumors flooded my mind, but nobody knew! Not one person in the entire sold-out America West Arena had any clue at all!!! I was safe. Or, so I thought. Turns out, I couldn’t hide from the truth. Which is why I am writing to you here, today.
I know a lot of people look up to me, which is why I think it’s important that everyone knows the reality of the situation. I’m human, too. I may be superhuman, like Superman, but "human" is right there in the title. So, you see how I can be larger than life, yet also capable of mistakes. This one mistake in particular had me scared, because I knew the team was counting on me to be real with the funk. I couldn’t let on, in that moment, that anything of an ill nature had transpired. I had to muster all the Shaq within myself that I could. Sometimes, the harsh reality of being a leader is knowing you still have to follow yourself. Wow. That’s deep! I’m putting that one in my new Shaq-help book, Love Shaq: How I’m Learning To Be 52 & Feel 25 Again (& How You Can Too).
What I want people to understand is that you can fake the funk and still live a fulfilling life. Look at me! I went on to be Kobe Bryant’s best friend!!! It’s true what they say—time heals all wounds. And, wouldn’t you know it—time also healed that basketball apparatus. We all went on to have a fun time playing against each other, and now every member of the 1992-93 Phoenix Suns and 1992-93 Orlando Magic and I get together every February 7 to break gingerbread backboards and share our feelings. Because, that’s what life and professional athletics are all about—personal growth.
Be true to yourself—don’t worry about the funk. The funk will be right there when you need it. And, if every once in a while, you slip up and have to fake it, the funk will understand.
Thanks for reading. I hope you can forgive me. What’s truly important, though, is that I have forgiven myself. Peace, love and Shaq Time.
-Shaq
