This may be the side effects of fourteen months in isolation talking, but I can think of no better way to kickstart the first summer after this absolute shitshow of a year than a cock-out rock-out party on everyone’s favorite nude beach in Portland.
Now, hear me out. This is a fairly modest proposal. I mean, let’s be honest... If they aren’t happening already, amongst the anti-maskers and anti-vaxxers, there’s going to be an unprecedented number of open-invitation, pansexual, bareback fuckfests across the globe—to ring in the end of these rolling lockdowns. The sheer volume of fluids exchanged in Miami alone will defy physics.
What I am suggesting will be Teletubbies by comparison. We all miss live music. We miss seeing faces not on Orwellian Zoom screens. Let’s just swing the pendulum a bit further in the other direction and bare all. I don’t believe that some hipster shuffle fest in the Widmer parking lot is really going to cut it after a year of pajama bottoms and existential dread.
Consider these bullet points:
In the likely event that we’re "still not out of the woods," as we’ve been told for the past, who knows or cares, I still think we can go ahead with this tits-out jamboree. Anyone who has ever been to a nude beach knows that you really do tend to keep to yourself and whomever you’re fucking. Guaranteed, the crowds will tend to be a bit... spaced out. Nothing puts a six-foot barrier around people like genitalia they’re not already familiar with.
For better or worse, Portlanders need a giant gathering of loose wangs. Out of an abundance of caution, it appears our favorite birthday suit parade is not happening for the second year in a row. This will not stand for the alarming number of us that insist on showing our unflattering bodies. The anti-clothed can’t hold it in anymore, and something bad is going to happen if they don’t have an outlet. It seems like a good compromise. Plus, they won’t hold up traffic or offend the eight Christians in town.
An addendum to the above bullet point, this junk-free jubilee will be miles away from any prudes, shrewds, and general Debbie Downers. Unlike the World Famous Naked Bike Ride, which sort of... asserts itself into everyone’s business, this flesh fest will be on a literal island, with one bridge in or out. It’s a hell of a drive out to Sauvie from the city, and then you literally gotta drive up the length of the goddamn island to get to the boobie-and-wiener part. If nudity offends you or you’re worried about the children (since you obviously equate a lack of clothes with sex), you’re in luck! It’s nowhere near you. Also—unlike the naked bike ride—it’ll be harder for the creeps and perverts to lurk and do their thing. I mean, unless they got boats. Hopefully, they don’t have boats.
Still not positive who we can buckle down for this besides an older-than-you- realize Red Hot Chili Peppers and like Amanda Palmer or something, but I can guarantee that the performers will be as naked as you, but more famous. Leaked nudes are tacky and invasive, but just straight up belting bare would be a much more magical way of seeing your favorite singer buck naked. Come on. Don’t pretend you don’t wanna see what your local music crush’s dangly bits look like. What’s more punk rock than that?
Let’s face it; if you’re not one of them fancy essential workers literally holding the world together, you’ve either been inside in your undies playing video games or inside in your undies and a suit-and-tie top, pretending to work on Zoom. You need to get the fuck outside and give your skin some fucking sun. We can’t half-ass this. Full-ass is very necessary, after this year in the dungeon that is our home. Trust me, you look worse than Max Schreck in full makeup, and you need some goddamned vitamin D. Post-pandemic, we will all need some fresh air and maybe a shade or two darker. You might think that getting buck-ass naked at a music festival with many other equally naked folks isn’t the best way to re-enter society, but you would be wrong. Buckle up, buckaroo— we’re going helicopterin’ at a non-clothed NOFX show. Or, whoever. Still working out the deets on which musical acts are okay with performing sans threads. Oh GG, where are you when we need you the most.
