With the peculiar mix of paranoia fatigue, frustration, isolation exhaustion, and collective desire to just say "fuck it," this vaccine rollout has given most of us here in the US a chance to really start getting back to normal... or normal adjacent, at least. By this point, though, normal isn’t gonna cut it. Stupidly dangerous or absurdly incautious seems more like what’s on order. Given that, let’s have a look at some of the weirdest celebrations and festivals that have graced our great nation in the summer months. Many of these may or may not be happening this year, and checking ahead of time before just showing up with a keg of beer and rubber pants seems like a good idea. That said, if enough people have the same idea—officially sanctioned or not—it seems like the party would be back on. For some of these, the day may have already passed and won’t come around again till next summer, but that will certainly give us all something to look forward to.
I remain slightly perplexed at the immense popularity of this cult classic, but if you’re into "The Dude," this is the place for you. Socks with sandals are in abundance, as well as white Russians, apathetic personal hygiene, and so many bad impersonations; you’ll likely have an aneurysm before you can get drunk enough to regret buying a ticket to the Lebowski Fest.
This year the official festivities are indeed canceled, but you can still sign up to win a $1,000 gift card and some free Duck Tape for making the weirdest, most creative, tape-based sculptures you’ve almost certainly spent more than a grand in materials to craft. Normally, there’s a parade, a fashion show, and general adhesive-themed merrymaking, but this year the city has opted for a Duck Tape scavenger hunt (which sounds strangely ominous to me, somehow). I guess this is what you do for fun in Ohio.
The 2021 Wayne Chicken Show is ON! As of the publishing of this, it will have passed you all by, but I know where I’ll be next weekend. Yep, watching the "Chickendales" (shirtless men with paper bags mocked up to look like chickens... sort of) do their sexy dance, participating in the rubber chicken toss, attending the chicken dance, and winning the "national cluck-off," which is absolutely a hundred times more humiliating than it sounds. Plan to see me there next year too, guys!
Are you looking for new and exciting ways to catch heretofore unknown parasitic infections? Then, Clute, TX is the place for you. With a giant inflatable mosquito mascot representing the local area’s most well-known feature, this otherwise largely unremarkable fair will go down as one of the most disappointing pieces of false advertising around. There don’t seem to be any "How much blood can you lose and remain conscious" or "Malaria Mosquito Roulette" contests at all. It’s just music, food, cornhole contests—and for some reason, "washer pitching," which appears just to be throwing hardware for sport... Pass!
Well, if you don’t have anything else going on in September, why not show up in a large, uncomfortable Mothman suit and try to look like you should be taken seriously, as you attend talks by paranormal researchers and alien investigators? There’s face painting, a Mothman museum, and... well, that’s pretty much it. Apparently, there’s some kind of statue you can take selfies with if that sweetens the deal for you. If the moth/lamp meme has any life left in it, it’ll be revived here.
It wouldn’t be America if we didn’t have at least one festival dedicated to hurling shit at each other. There’s a beer garden, kids’ games, arts and crafts, music, food, and more, but the main attraction is competitively hurling cow dung. Thanks, Wisconsin, for proving you could be more Wisconsin than I ever thought possible.
Coming in at numero uno for the most depressing thing your mom has ever tried to force you to attend, this "festival" (and I use that word loosely) features recipe contests, the world’s largest spinach salad, crafts, games, probably a bunch of Popeye themed crap, and a shockingly high number of suicides. Attend at your own risk.
The midwest really does know how to up the weird factor when it comes to food, with celebrations centering on fried testicles, bologna, and countless more. This one is unique, though, for its inclusion of mashed potato wrestling, potato car races, a mashed potato sculpture contest, a number of eating competitions, and presumably a complete dearth of days off for cardiac surgeons and EMTs.
This yearly jubilee celebrates the 1.5 million or so Mexican freetail bats as they emerge from the Congress Avenue Bridge. There’s food, drink, and hundreds of amazing and exciting new pathogens that festivalgoers will surely be exposed to as the feces rains down onto concessions and into solo cups of shitty booze. What better way to celebrate the end of a pandemic than by starting a whole new one? I sure as hell can’t think of one.
However you choose to spend the dog days of summer, just make sure to pencil in at least one of these, no doubt, riveting displays of human strangeness. Don’t forget to bring a camera, a sense of adventure, and possibly your organ donor card.
Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle can be found completely avoiding large public gatherings. Not because she’s scared of COVID, just because she’d rather be smoking weed and watching Star Trek reruns than being around you people. If you really must find her, though, she can be tracked down on Facebook as Esmeralda Marina and Instagram as @EsmeraldaSilentCitadel. Please, keep your filthy human germs to yourself.
