To be clear, when the earth is melting, no one is going to care if anyone is happy or not. But to be doubly clear, when I refer to melting, I’m referring to what a goth person considers to be possibly the worst possible time of the year, and that includes comparing it to those winter holiday seasons in stores ("It’s the hap-happiest season of all," my goth ass). Anything above roughly 82-degrees Fahrenheit quickly starts to turn a goth person’s normal daily black on black on black attire into a hot box surrounded by actual misery, woe, whining, possible tears of frustration, and faux suicidal ideations of jumping off the bridge just to get into the cold, cold, very cold water.
So, suffice it to say, keeping these beings happy and in good health during the summer season will not only make them grateful but will make your time with them less dreary and painful. So, let’s get to some helpful tips on how to make this season’s time with your goth as ‘OK’ as it can get!
First and foremost, do not ask if they are sure if they want to be wearing all black today. They know the weather, they know what they’re choosing to wear, and frankly, do they own anything else but black? No? So, it’s up to you to choose places to hang out that are air conditioned, shaded, hydrating, and have snack foods around. Ice cream is great, charcuterie, snow cones, a shady spot at the river (very shady so that if it is above 82 degrees, it’s at least 10 degrees cooler), or a movie theater (yes, those are a thing, again) are all pretty decent ideas. Do not go bringing your goth person to a pool party without A/C or to go out to a farmer’s market downtown when the heat is that bad. They will hate you for it and look for unreasonable, dangerous ways of cooling themselves off, consequences or possible death be damned.
Do not judge them for their choice of attire inside the house, either. If you are with a goth person and do not own an air conditioning unit, you are asking for a mostly-to-fully naked person on your couch and in your kitchen at any given time of day. Afraid of them answering the door naked? Too bad, it’s already happened; your Amazon package was just delivered by a mailman, who will now have a very interesting story to tell the rest of his coworkers. Keep your fridge stocked with electrolyte-enhanced waters and energy drinks. It’s hard keeping all that salt in your body when you are literally sweating it all out in your heat-enhancing clothing. Remember this when you see your goth person sweating outdoors. Offer them that water you have on hand for this moment specifically and quickly find a place for them to cool down.
Second time mentioning due to its importance, keep them well hydrated during the day and continue complimenting how cute they look in their 12 pound, 6 inch boots, fishnets, garter, and hat. You know that the hat is the only thing being reasonably worn in this heat, but goth persons answer to no one and will not be told what to do, especially by the heat. They’re cute, and they know it. The sun can suck a hotdog.
If you plan on taking a road trip with your goth person, please be polite and keep the car in the shade prior to picking them up. If you don’t, the 110-degree heat in the car will again force this person into coming up with an irrational solution on how to solve the heat problem by themselves (e.g., turn up the A/C full blast, and have 10 mph winds of hot, dusty air hitting them in the face for 8 minutes). They will then roll down the window, where the heat outside is possibly worse nowadays, and chance getting heatstroke or worse, starting a "heat-fight" with you (which, to be fair, usually has nothing to do with you but stops the road trip from happening with this person altogether, and causes your heat-stroked-out goth person to stomp back inside, take off all their clothes, sit on the couch in front of the air conditioner, and wish for death).
When you plan on staying indoors with your goth person (which is possibly all they want, if it’s truly hotter than cooked hotdog innards), keep your shades drawn, lights low, and turn that air conditioner up to eleven. Maybe join them in the festivities of being mostly naked and make it a fun movie day in. This day may not include sexy time, as that requires your goth person to have their sweaty, hot body be on your sweaty, hot body, sweat more, get really thirsty, and ask if you can finish soon—just too much work. Appreciate just touching their hands and your legs or feet possibly touching each other while you both sit on the couch—mostly naked—watching episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philidelphia and eating the blue ICEE popsicles (we all know those are the best flavor).
Well, these are just a few tips and tricks I’ve learned along the way when someone has decided to be around me during the summer. I’ve learned late in life that these things, if performed correctly and without judgment, will make a goth person’s no-good-very-bad-too-hot-I’m sweaty-and dying-please save me-I just want to jump into the river-summer, into not such a bad experience. Which is about the best you can ask for, so be OK with that.
Hannah One-Cup lives in a secret cave that the hotdog-cooking heat can’t find her, wishes she hadn’t jumped off that bridge and made people believe she was lost for good. She also wishes that she could leave the cave. But, it’s too hot outside. She can be found on Facebook by her name—or in the cave. If you find her, bring water, snacks, and an air-conditioned car.
