I have decided that what I was in 2021 (and 2020, for that matter) wasn’t all that great. I didn’t learn anything new other than how to get really good at Google searches while at work. The Google searches led me down a cornucopia of job searches, job titles, descriptions on what that job title actually did for $100K yearly, facts about various BARELY-B-movie actors, and lots of online purchases. I mean... lots. Like, so many online purchases that I started to wonder if I was turning into Santa. But I wasn’t—it was all for me.
So I decided—with all this wasted time I spent online researching shit—that I should just be a doer and not a nerd. Throw care to the wind and be a better person. Side note, better does not always mean good. It literally just means to improve on or surpass (an existing or previous level of performance or achievement). Anyway, here is a list of things I aim to be in 2022 and how you, too, can be better.
I spent the last two years trying to achieve goals I thought were important when all I have to show for it is a year-old, shriveled-up, finally molded orange from Florida, courtesy of my company (as a holiday gift). Yeah, I kept it. Just to give me more reason to follow through with this goal. Aim low and set the standards at threat-level mediocrity. Don’t let anyone count on you. Always remember this phrase: "No one has time for this." When someone asks if you can reach something for them in the grocery store, tell them, "no, I can’t," and just remain there doing whatever you were before you were so rudely interrupted. Also, remember the famous line from that one song by Hall & Oates: "I can’t go for that, no can do."
Fairly self-explanatory... Give people a reason to call you Ol’ One Eye by purposely getting into a fight with a raccoon and letting it scratch your eye out—but just one. Otherwise, you’re blind, and that’s not cool. Or maybe Slippy; cover yourself in bacon grease to attract a mate, wait for them to come to your trap, er... not trap, and watch as they attempt to give you all sorts of physical attention but are, instead, found slipping around your body, saying things like, "You’re sure a slippery one, aren’t you? Must be why they call you Slippy." Or something like that. (Note: this should be wanted attention, not some Touchy Thomas, stalker shit.) Also, just make sure you aren’t around any raccoons when you’re wearing said bacon grease, or you’ll end up being called Ol’ Slippy One Eye.
I feel that my procrastination wasn’t as up to my obviously high set of standards this past year. I was too busy working and trying to make myself a more productive human being when really, the easiest solution to my happiness was right in front of me. Mom always said, "If you’re going to be good at something, be the best." Which didn’t make a whole lot of sense even as a child, but here I am, not being the best. This is all going to change, though, because I plan on mastering the fine art of procrastination. For instance, don’t do any actual work until the last two days of the week. Wait and finish all of your work on Friday, clear out all the old "need to do" piles of shit, and make everyone see how necessary you are to the company. For Satan’s sake, though, don’t give it your all. Remember, no one has time for this. Second tip: if you’re working from home, make your desk extremely disorganized and have something edible on it, like Lifesavers and some dog treats—for when you want to give your dog a treat or feel like crunching a hard candy and finishing it in 12 seconds. Maybe put a nail file and back scratcher somewhere around there, in case you need to do your nails or scratch your back during a phone call you ignore. And don’t forget the remote to the TV, so you can watch Bob’s Burgers on repeat while pretending to look at work emails. Also, make sure you have two computer monitors, so you can look at those funny, new "True Facts" videos about the animals on YouTube while simultaneously not working.
Does anyone like your current one? No? Yes? Does it matter? Are you just bored with who you are and want to change things up? That’s what I plan on doing this year. I’ve been who I am for long enough, and I’m getting bored of it. That’s why I’ve decided I’m going to be Burt Reynold’s wife. Obviously, you don’t have to follow in my footsteps. There are plenty of other celebrities you can be with; you just can’t have Burt.
Anyway, I lost my train of thought after running to grab the now-cold tea I forgot I had in the microwave because I was watching a True Facts video about the aye-aye while simultaneously not working. Also, my dog needed a treat. So yeah, here you go, whatever this was. Have an epic 2022, and always aim to be better.
Hannah One Cup can be found sipping this cheap green tea she’s had for two years because it tastes like Chinese restaurant tea. Usually, she forgets that it’s been in the microwave for 2 hours, and by that time, needs a new teabag. She can also be found on Facebook by her name, probably doomscrolling or convincing #TheRealBurtReynolds to be her husband. You might also find her petting the local raccoons.
