The last year has been oddly disorienting. Not in the normal, "I’m day drunk because I work from home now—and my bars are all closed because of reasons" disorienting, but it has left me, personally, just as consumed with conflicting thoughts due to change in routine.
For instance, remember that brief time last year when we were able to safely take our masks off when walking into a grocery store? IT WAS INSANE! Who knew so many people had unshaven beards! Or the folks you kind of expected to have one, that didn’t. Either way, that moment in time was almost like a summer fling—fun, short-lived, and leaving you a bit wanting. We had all been able to feel "safer" in going out to eat, visit/live in your favorite bar, get groceries with others, mask-less, almost feeling naked. Like..."Ooooooo, I’m not wearing a mask! Scandalous!" We also felt okay going to friends’ houses or out to the theater with said friend(s) almost in fear of this never happening again. We lived life to the fullest—almost a full-on 1970s-style party (in our heads, at least).
But as with life, all things come to an end—for good or bad, the masks went back up. Life went back to what I hate to refer to now as "normal," and safety precautions were back in effect. Friends went back to the wayside, and going to the grocery store became more of a race to see how fast you could get in and out by only visiting the same three isles you always do (beer, meat/cheese, discount price section).
And then, just a month or so (time is a motherfucker, so I don’t know exacts) after this all went back into place, friends started to want to hang out again after receiving their "boosters," and restaurants and theaters went back to almost normal capacity, so long as you gave proof that you weren’t Hitler, Stalin, or Anish Kapoor. This added another whole new box to mark off for what would probably be included in my already scrambled-up routine each day. So, in turn, due to my deep-rooted, introverted nature, which goes generations deep (my father lives on top of a mountain just to escape people), I decided to be very selective in who I was doing activities with and what those activities entailed. It did mean that I had to start coming up with some damn good excuses on why I didn’t want to do a thing. Believe me, saying "I’m not feeling very well" may very well end up with a friend attempting to rush you to the hospital in a bio-hazmat suit, completely negating your valiant efforts to just be left the fuck alone.
And so, to follow, I give you my favorite, most-used excuses to escape parties early or not show up in the first place. Enjoy!
You should really have a dog for this one. Saying "I have a dog" and not having a dog when your friend wants to meet said dog might lose you a couple of friends. Which...might be what you’re going for? Either way, this is my olden-goldy and used by myself most frequently. Because I really do have a dog. He’s 9. His name is George. And he has to pee. Goodbye.
Don’t invite your friend, or whoever is asking to interrupt your schedule, over for dinner. Just tell them you were going to make dinner, and that’s why you can’t go out tonight. Making dinner requires prep work, Googling what it is you’re going to cook, giving up on Googling after scrolling through too many recipes, then giving up altogether and ordering a pizza. But tell me that pizza won’t be 10x more delicious eating it all on your own or with your pee dog, eh? Mmmmmmm. Lonely Pizza Friday. Count me in, for myself—in my own home.
Okay, so honestly, I’ve never used this excuse. It’s just a little...TMI for me, even if it’s a lie. But I heard it from a good friend of mine that their kid just openly says this when they have the bubble guts, right out in front of everyone, as if it’s nothing. "It’s okay, mom; I just have The Diarrhea." So, I’m using them as my inspiration for this excuse. I mean, really, who wants to hang out or have you go out when you’re suffering from such an ailment as "The Diarrhea"? Guaranteed to work every time, if you’re bold enough to speak of such things.
Even if this is true, you’re still going to have to sell this person on why they should not immediately head over to make sure you have water and a "kind face" at hand. It might take some extra effort and might end up causing you more headaches than if you just ended up getting sloshed with this person at the bar, which is a reason this is #4 on the list. Yes, now you know these were rated from best to worst.
I have said this once. I am almost certain I was drunk when I was denying a friend what was sure to be my "wonderous, drunken companionship," but either way, I think there was a shred of truth to this, and I’m pretty sure I did have sex that day. A few times? I don’t know. I was drunk when I came up with this excuse. But this honestly is only #5 because it forces you to either sulk about the fact that you probably lied about this excuse and aren’t going to be orgasming that day, find someone to make it happen cap’n, or do it your damn self. All three of which require some sort of effort, usually. I mean, I guess I’ve heard that slight breezes can get a person going, but, you know, a normal person requires a certain ambiance. This excuse does, however, stop your friend from asking questions and allows you the kindness of a short phone or text conversation, ending more than likely with, "Ah...okay well...you go do that! Call me later." Really, though?
And there you have it. My five favorite excuses—in order—to use when not wishing to do a thing or want to leave a thing early. Try using #5 when you’re at the party. Have fun!
Hannah One Cup can be found on Facebook by her name. She can usually also be found heating up hot dogs for dinner and doing #5. Only contact her if you don’t actually plan on hanging out.
