I started doing standup again this month. I’m not good. That is not to say that I’m terrible; however, there is a reason I am writing for this magazine and not seen on Comedy Central or some popular Netflix special. Most of the reason is my own crippling anxiety, and the rest, I blame on the fact that I can’t remember the punchline to a joke when put on the spot.
If you haven’t seen Boondock Saints, I’ll put it this way; I’m an 82-year-old man who thought his habits when he was younger would have caught up to him sooner than now, so is still left to man the bar that is his brain—sifting through the various mixes of jokes he has come up with or heard throughout the years, searching for the right ending to the story without mixing up the wrong people, places, or objects.
I’ve been given the opportunity to watch some wonderful local comedians, as well as some others. We all get to learn from each other. Take away the good and learn what you definitely do not want to have as a repeat situation. So, this month, I wanted to remind you all that summer is upon us and that your humor goes far, in terms of your social situations. Below are some simple guidelines on what not to do if attempting to be that "funny friend." (Note: if you’re not attractive—and you know who you are—focus on these because humor might be all you have, so work with what you’re given...even if you aren’t any good at it yet!)
1. Do not be a one-joke pony—this is harder said than done. Take Napoleon Dynamite, for example. What was that actor’s name? I don’t know, and you don’t either—don’t lie! Don’t get yourself stuck in one role. You had a horse joke that one time that killed. Don’t tell it again. Start talking about that one time you tried doing yoga at your dad’s house but instead tripped over his 100-pound boxer puppy, who proceeded to whip your face with his tail nub and lick your face while trying to do downward dog...so you gave up on yoga and went to smoke a cigarette and grab a glass of whiskey at noon, instead. That’s humorous. Maybe even relatable.
2. If you’re a guy, do not tell abortion jokes unless you’re saying it in a way that can safely make everyone laugh without having anyone want to openly try to hang you from an adult-size hanger. My friend, John, does a great job of this. But he’s really the only one that I could honestly say was able to pull this off. Come to standup at Joe’s to see proof. In fact, unless you’re John, just stay away from abortion jokes or women’s rights jokes in general. They aren’t funny, we don’t find them hot, and they won’t get you laid. Like a famous car salesman in Portland once said, "...I guarantee it."
3. Don’t talk about your personal hygiene in front of complete strangers, let alone your friends or new hopeful comrades. Do you really think that talking about how often you wash your undercarriage is going to come out funny or attractive while you’re in your swimming trunks at the public pool, in front of that cute girl in the ’50s style one piece? You have Betty Paige in front of you, and you want to tell her how often you soap up your dangling doodles, and you think she’s going to reciprocate or stay around? I think not.
4. Unless you’re actively trying to be an ass, do not repeat what you are trying to make a joke about...20 times. Don’t put it on repeat. Don’t repeat it. Don’t put it on a repeater. Don’t put it on a repeater on your phone. Don’t make everyone in the vicinity listen to your voice on repeat, on repeat on your phone. We heard your joke. We didn’t laugh because it wasn’t funny. I’ll repeat that it wasn’t funny. Move on and find something else you can have people try to laugh at. Or, just accept defeat that night and learn from your mistakes, and think about what led you to that decision to hold everyone captive in a bar, where we are forced to either leave or listen to you—like a bad politician with terrible speech habits or a failing bank robber, who is having a hard time holding onto his hostages because they’re actively trying to escape. They don’t give a f***.
5. Don’t yell at someone for not understanding your cryptic jokes. No one wants to hop mental fences or spiderwebs when trying to laugh. Unless you’re Eddie Izzard, we want straightforward, relatable, and light. If you’re morbid and known for your morose attitude, your sardonic humor is generally seen as "different" and "fun to listen to because you’re always jokingly giving people shit." That’s the magic trick. Make everyone think you’re joking when you’re giving them actual shit about something by laughing when you say it. They’ll laugh, you’ll laugh, and everyone has a good time at the other’s expense. They’ll never be the wiser. But, if you’re saying something you think is funny, sardonic, light, or whatever, don’t yell at someone for not understanding your stupid brain’s sense of humor. You are stupid. I’m sorry. But not really. (Smile and laugh.)
6. Don’t cry if they don’t get your jokes. So, you struck out one night, and that cute human didn’t think you were as funny as you swear you thought you were. "The lady doth protest too much, methinks," they say. What you absolutely do not do after this is cry. That would be the furthest thing from funny and would probably make the other party lie about not thinking you were funny, just to make you stop crying, which would then keep you motivated to continue telling the same stupid story about how a horse nearly farted in your face, that one time you were out near a horse’s ass for some reason, you never disclose.
This was my list of starting points to at least help you become tolerated when telling your "jokes” and hopefully keep you from being the pariah of the group. There are, of course, other "rules" to follow, but those should just be common sense. But, who am I kidding? You’re reading this magazine, so I’ll just be kind: timing is important, no jokes about dead people at funerals, and slapstick does not entail any actual slapping.
Hannah One Cup can be found grasping at her humanity on stage at Joe’s every Thursday night, under house arrest at her father’s house, watching three dumb dogs while simultaneously attempting to do yoga with a whiskey in one hand or contemplating on the balcony about whether people are laughing at her or with her. You’ll never find her in the wild. Unless you go to Joe’s—or visit this mountain in Roseburg, Oregon.
