Going through my files, I realize this is my fifth Halloween-themed piece for Exotic. You’re welcome in advance for all of the solid gold content I’ve delivered without interruption. If you think my outlandish suggestions over the years for fun-filled Halloween high jinks have been nothing but satire not to be taken literally, you, sir or ma’am, are reading the wrong nudie mag. The boobs in these pages are for entertainment, but the writing is hard-hitting journalism and academia that should absolutely be taken seriously. Do you know the sheer number of minutes Wombstretcha the Magnificent pours into researching his pieces?! Minutes upon minutes on Wikipedia.
Now that we got that little misunderstanding out of the way, I’m here to, once again, give you based boob enjoyers some free ideas to spice up your untalented and unsuccessful band’s inevitable Halloween show. Honestly, the best thing you can do is not play in some house with a sweaty, centipede-infested basement on Halloween...that no one is gonna show up to anyway. Kids today want Ketamine and dubstep, not PBR and guitars. Quit now, before you get too old to fake your way into a shitty office job. \
However, if you insist on doing yet another Samhain-themed performance in some living room or tiny bar to bring back a fraction of the happiness you felt as a child trick-or-treating, try out some of these delightfully devious ideas to make your little shindig more appealing than your average drug’n’bass-fueled costume orgy. See, anyone can wrangle some MDMA and barely-dressed femme presenters, but these three stellar ideas are going to give your poor party guests a night to remember—for better or worse. Again, super serious, non-satirical ideas.
You read that right. Since the dreaded MTV Unplugged series, every goddamn metal, punk and rock-act-too-loud-for-your-Grandma-to-enjoy thinks it’s totally fine to play a "stripped down, acoustic" set of their songs. The same songs that we really only listen to so we can scream along with the singer as he grabs the back of our heads and smashes them into each other in the pit. It’s been done. Also, it’s so lazy. Plebs will think it’s a genius reworking of heavier songs showing impressive musical prowess, but all you’re doing is playing the same fucking riff on an acoustic guitar. Child’s play. Now, rewriting your songs with upstrokes on the guitars and only hitting the snare’s rim...that’s impressive. Clearly, everyone needs fedoras, suspenders, Doc Martens, and at least one checkered item of clothing. If you know someone who plays trumpet or trombone, bring them in. And if you don’t, just have one of your friends wing it. It can’t be hard. You just blow, right? There are no downsides to this idea. Everyone will love it. That fourth wave of ska is just around the corner. You might as well get on it before everyone else does.
Or whatever the equivalent would be. I’m sure there’s some ancient Samhain tradition that involved traveling and singing songs at neighbors in exchange for stuff. Most pre-Christian European holidays always involved getting drunk and going door-to-door, singing at people. This seemed to be their favorite pastime, as they found an excuse to do it at every turn. Stupid Jesus, once again, ruining everything. Either way, we’ve carried on this tradition in the modern, sanitized version of trick-or-treating. I mean, seriously. We keep celebrating Halloween as adults ’cause of those memories of dressing up, going on an adventure with friends, and getting things from strangers, being pretty much the most awesome thing ever. Let’s not tarnish that memory by throwing a lame party with your lame band playing. Take your band and your party out on the streets and sing your lame-ass songs at each of your neighbors’ doors. Loudly and drunkenly. Instead of candy, demand more beer for your merrymaking. If they refuse, set fire to their lawn and place curses on their family. Move on to the next house, rinse and repeat. There are zero downsides to this idea. You’ll be keeping ancient traditions alive while giving your fans an experience they’ll never forget.
It has become a tired trope on Halloween—bands doing an entire set as a different band. Usually, one more famous and from times past. Since this overplayed gimmick has been done to death, you will have to go a step furthur (see what I did there) in order to make it an event that will stand out. There are more Grateful Dead tribute bands in the little town of Eugene, OR, than there are stars in the galaxy. This is not a difficult sound to recreate. Just do drugs and noodle way longer than necessary. And there’s a built-in audience. You’re little house show will be packed to the brim with unemployed, obnoxious boomers who refuse to let go of the past. But, you’ll do one better than all your other costumed contemporaries. That keg everyone’s been pulling from will have been spiked with a heroic dose of the highest-grade acid you can find. Just as the actual band did in 1969, to the entire audience and crew for their Playboy After Dark special for CBS, you will be recreating a real, live Grateful Dead gimmick from the boomers’ favorite nostalgia-tainted era. They always bitch and moan how music was better then, and it was a different time, and how kids today can’t blah blah blah. Well, time to give them what they want. An invasive and horrific experience forced upon them against their will, out of sheer selfish desire for shits and giggles. Can you think of a more authentic experience for popular music’s most insufferable fanbase? I sure can’t. For the truly chaotic evil, I suggest dimming the lights, hitting the strobe light and smoke machine, and slowly starting to play more out of key and off tempo as the night progresses. Subtly put on terrifying masks and invite friends to start walking amongst the audience in lizard costumes. By Samhain’s end, these old blowhards will burn every Grateful Dead record they have and never speak of the band again. After a couple of years of these little Halloween parties up and down the west coast, we just might wipe out the last remnants of this fandom that just won’t die.
Zero downsides.
Sona Samhain! May the Old Gods reign again soon!
