It is October. Much like the fictional character Dwight Schrute from The Office, I am just stating a fact. It is that time of year when you purposely go into houses that claim to have murderous ghosts in them, just for fun. You might choose to wear your sluttiest Peanuts character outfit this month or purchase all of the pumpkin spice creamer the store has. (You know who you are; I watched you do it, lady. Big Karen move on your part.)
For me, this time of year usually means lots of smelly candles and corn mazes and trips around the countryside to watch the trees change colors (yes, all of you casting the first stone out there, I do these things). But this year, I find myself "in-between" houses, which means I get to put all of my normal Halloween goodness and light into the folks around me. I visited old haunts. Sometimes that can be scary in and of itself, depending on how you had left that haunt those years ago. I thought I would do a dedication to what I feel certain types of people at these haunts would be like if they were ghosts. This list will speak to almost anyone; you’ll all be able to say, "that is definitely you," and if you’re lucky to find yourself seeing all-too specific details in this list, you might just have been the muse I used for the description. Let’s just see!
The Uncle Dad, when alive, is that guy that everyone goes to when they’re having a problem of some sort, and they’re going to try to fix it. Whether that’s with duct tape and a makeshift arm cast or giving you directions for how to get places (while giving you history on every building in between), The Uncle Dad is filled with some sort of knowledge. It’s never known if it’s useful knowledge, but it’s there, and when they disperse it, know that you are in safe hands. Like Allstate. This dude, when in ghost form, is seen more as a poltergeist. They’re constantly watering your plants, moving your keys you swear were missing to where they are "supposed to be" (usually by the front door). They’re just generally helpful, and it’s really annoying because you swear you’re just going bat-shit crazy after the second time of knocking over that beer you ordered but apparently didn’t need. Thanks, Uncle Dad. Guess I’ll go home now.
This is the individual in your life you trust with your deepest, most intimate secrets, hopes, and dreams. This is also the friend you feel completely comfortable yelling at in public because they are more than likely about to do something extraordinarily stupid. But honestly, this is why you are best friends. Your ride or die, and the person that doesn’t have a problem telling you no or swatting you upside the head when you’re less than personable to those around you (I’m sure this has never happened to any of you before. You’re always at your best in strip clubs and bars, right?). As a ghost, this person is likely to haunt you in your waking hours as an internal monologue and general feeling of unease. That gut feeling you get that tells you not to eat cheese even though you really want it, but you’re lactose intolerant? That’s Linda. Sure, your gut may literally be saying, "Please, please, no. Please don’t eat that block of cheese." But Linda is the one jabbing your gut and loudly whispering in your head, "Don’t fuckin’ do it, bitch. You know you’ll regret it." We love and hate Linda, because Linda is always right, whether we want them to be or not.
Your mom can be anyone in your life that gives you that maternal feeling of warmth, acceptance, judgment, shame, and love. This may not be your biological mother; it could be your best friend’s mom, your grandma, your favorite older bartender, or that stripper you question whether they’re about to retire next year or not. At the end of the day, this person is there for you. They will listen to your stories of woe or happiness, sometimes—many times—interrupting in between to give their side stories from "back in the day." Mom has no problems telling you what’s what, will give you that look of disappointment when you say something they disagree with, and will get up and leave if you don’t want to listen to them. Just like they did that one time they left you at the grocery store when you were 8. When Mom turns into an apparition, and you bring someone into the house that they disapprove of, they will physically show it. That semi-decent bottle of wine you had waiting to be opened tonight? It just so happened to want to slam itself onto the wood floor, breaking glass and spilling red wine everywhere. Even if you don’t take that as the hint, and you bring this person into the bedroom, Mom’s going to show their disdain for this person by pulling on their hair and slapping their face. Yeah, try getting that person to come back to bed with you after that. Thanks, Mom.
Dads, like moms, can be anyone that gives you a bristly, stern, hard-love, prideful, judgmental feeling. Mom and dads love to judge. They just lie about doing it. Dad may sometimes outweigh Mom when it comes to what you’re decisions in life end up being and who’s opinion you trusted more. Dad is usually simpler, as well, and easy to read. When Dad turns into a ghost, he’s going to make sure he’s constantly there watching over you from the recliner in your house. That time you swear you saw the chair rock and back forth, once? Yeah, that was ghost dad just wanting to join in and maybe change your TV channels once in a while to show sports. If your dad smoked, you’ll most likely also smell the faint aroma of a cigar or cigarette smoke.
So there you have it. And I’ve been given this information from a reputable source (that psychic on SE 82nd near the taco stand and record store). When those close to you pass on, they never truly pass on. A part of them will always stay with you, whether you want them to or not (you’re still feeling those judging eyes of mom on your back every time you even think of bringing Carlos back to the house). They are there for you through death and beyond. So, if you start feeling a sharp stab in your gut, maybe think twice before getting that dollar sushi from the food cart down the street. That might just be Linda warning you not to do that thing.
Hannah One Cup can be found claiming that they regret nothing while eating a bowl of macaroni and cheese and then regretting it thoroughly afterward. She’s gone through 8 bottles of red wine and hasn’t been able to have any "nighttime guests" in a long time. Invite her over sometime. She can be found on Facebook and around the corner.
