Everyone who matters has a job. Big or small, from CEO or world leader to burger flipper or horse stall cleaner. Jobs are, of course, the result of us engaging in the societal premise that one must sink or swim to accommodate ourselves, and we do this by offering our skills and labor to those willing to pay for it. Not a tough concept; we all know it. But there are some jobs that suck far more ass than others, and I’m going to list off some of the most hazardous or disgusting professions I can find.
The things we do to get by in the world are often tragic, dangerous, hilarious, or tragically dangerous and hilarious.
Listed in no particular ranked order.
I’m sure you’re with me on this one. Most of you probably went to school at some point, and being the janitor at a grade school is a horrible job. Being a janitor typically involves mopping floors and cleaning rooms and all sorts of sanitary activity, but being a janitor at a public school? That’s awful because you’re surrounded by creatures with no impulse control and no regard for anything not theirs. Naturally, they’re going to create disaster-level messes to contend with. Who’d want to scoop up child waste and wash off graffiti with immature fart jokes on it? Solidarity with my janitors.
Yeah, I know. I’m from Portland, and there are many stern opinions on the nature of law enforcement and its role in society. You can love ’em, and you can hate ’em, but the fact is, it’s a horrible job. Regardless of whether people enter the field because they are bullies who crave authority and power, or just plain folks who want to actually serve their communities, the simple fact is that they get colored by their roles. When you spend all day dealing with the dregs of society, you develop bias, and it changes your personality. It’s also a modestly dangerous career; dealing with the worst of people all the time makes you jaded, and you tend to think the worst of everyone all the time. We expect them to be the best examples of people, but they are, in the end, just people with all the flaws and bullshit that accompany being human. No excuses are being made here for many of them being awful, but it’s an awful job. I heard stories at what I found out was a "cop bar" and decided I also wouldn’t want to wrangle tweakers who haven’t showered...ever and clean their diarrhea out of my car after arresting them for punching an old lady at the grocery store, so they make the list.
Would you want to scrape up obvious piles of strangers’ jizz, and clean up their toilets after a hard night of partying? No, you wouldn’t, but some people must, and those people, I feel, ought to be classed as living saints or at least...tipped fairly well.
What’s a honey wagon, you might ask? Well, that’s the name for the people who drive around in the big pump trucks and suck the contents out of port-a-potties. I could make a pun like, "well, that’s a shitty job," but no. I will refrain, out of respect for those brave souls who experience the worst that humanity has to offer in what they leave behind. I’ve seen them do this, too. Half the time, they don’t even wear protective gear beyond gloves. I asked one fellow, who had a thousand-yard stare and looked like he hadn’t shaved in three days, why he didn’t wear a gas mask or something. He said while looking up at the sky, instead of at me, "after a while, you don’t even notice." I would not ever want to get used to that.
Now, this might seem to be more innocuous, as it’s just health and beauty stuff, but think about it for a minute. Would you really want to have to keep a straight face when you encounter the bulk of humanity, and they’re asking you to remove hair from their genitalia or...rump? That’s why it ranks. I’m sure they are consummate professionals, for sure, but being consummately professional in the face of hairy buttholes takes a seriously strong will. I don’t care how much it pays.
A manual scavenger is the term they use in India to describe the people who quite literally get neck-deep in shit. You see, their sewer systems were often built long ago and don’t have the throughput to handle the needs of the large and growing population centers in their cities. So, when a sewer main gets backed up, they just toss a guy in the manhole, usually without even gloves or a mask or anything, to unclog the mains with his bare hands. They encounter many more hazards than just sewage: they have to remove tampons and sanitary pads and often encounter razor blades, which people just flush once they’re done. If you ever thought your life couldn’t get worse than yanking human shit out of a pipe, imagine getting an open wound while you’re doing it.
I know, how could one of the coolest jobs to ever exist be horrible? Well, when you decide to ride that space pony, umm, let’s just say this: one in 25 astronauts dies from work-related circumstances. Is there anything more dreadful than being lost in the void of space, knowing nobody can help you? So, they make the list, even though I’d be okay with the risk if I got to do space stuff for a living.
It seems like such a boring job. Chop up meat for sale and call it a day, right? Nope. Slaughterhouses require you to work very fast to meet quotas, deal with a lot of heavy machinery, and experience the potential for disease or other health issues, which often spread quickly. This is one of the deadliest jobs in the world. People who work in slaughterhouses must do the killing, clean up, processing, and often packaging of animals, from cows and pigs to chickens and turkeys. No matter what animals are involved, the job is full of risk and danger. Statistics regarding slaughterhouse workers are quite alarming. It is said that any given slaughterhouse has around two amputations every week due to industrial accidents. Some of the other common injuries include burns, fractures, and head trauma. Compared to the average American worker, slaughterhouse workers are three times more likely to incur serious injuries. One can only imagine what the job is like in countries without health and safety standards...
Nah, just playin’. This is actually pretty fun.
[Editor’s note: Exotic writers live the good life with tremendous perks—no cover charge at any strip club, deeply discounted private dances, and bottomless tater tots (cheese is extra, however).]
So, there you have it. I’ve made a list of some of the worst jobs I could think of. I wouldn’t want to do any of them. Fortunately, I don’t have to. I hope you don’t have to either, but if you do... I hope you make the best of it.
Live as well as you can.
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a honey wagoner, man who puts the laughter in slaughterhouse, possible astronaut, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, Oregon. He can be found at Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @Wombstretcha503 and on Facebook (boo!) and MeWe (yay!) as "Wombstretcha The Magniflcent."
