The War On Christmas is almost won, comrades. Although most evil Christians would have you believe some poorly-written propaganda that their side is losing ’cause Gen Z doesn’t pray in school or jerk off to the American flag or some horseshit, that’s simply not the case. It’s about economics. More and more of our youth are turning their backs on this consumerist pageantry because there just isn’t much to celebrate. Anyone who works service industry knows that holidays are just workdays that are busier with worse clientele. Most office jobs don’t even give Christmas Eve off. It’s hard to get excited about a holiday that equals as much time off as Veterans Day. Also, the cult of family is quickly dissipating since the American Empire has literally run out of money, and the last pathetic dynasties holding onto some sort of illusion of the American Dream realize theirs is the last generation that will ever own houses. Christmas means a stressful time with family and literally going broke out of guilt. Boo.
But don’t take me for some Jehovah’s Witness who thinks celebrating holidays, in general, is bad. Hell no. Holidays are all about having a day off and having fun. I’m all about holidays. And don’t think this is some screed against tradition either. For some, the War On Christmas may indeed be a rebellion against outdated tradition and ceremony that has no meaning to this generation anymore. Not for yours truly. Rather, I think it’s time we get back to the roots of this solstice celebration. Anyone who comes at me with some "true meaning" hogwash, I dismiss as obnoxious, new age cultists appropriating a wonderful, multi-day solstice celebration with some desert hippie who ate fish or some such nonsense.
I’m talking about Saturnalia! The actual beginnings of the Western civilization’s end-of-year bash. The Yule tradition might be older, but we’ll never know since the drunken, moustached forest barbarians didn’t write anything down.
Saturnalia is a safe bet as the very first iteration of the "holiday season," we can’t quite agree on what to appropriately call. As a staunch traditionalist, I think the only way to put this argument to bed is to go to the beginning.
Although it’s silly to assume strip club patrons aren’t familiar with the pagan drunken orgy-slash-harvest festival that was the highlight of every ancient Roman citizen’s year, I’ll reiterate some bullet points. More than anything, it was a goddamn party. Dancing and singing in the streets. Excessive drinking. Parades and shit. Feasts! Gambling! As with most pre-Christian holidays, lots of going door-to-door and singing at your neighbors in exchange for gifts. That really seemed to be everyone’s favorite activity in antiquity. The most important aspect of this holiday is that it was a whole week long. That was seven whole days off work for the entirety of the empire. Depending on sources, sometimes it was as long as nine days off work. No wonder everyone was stoked on this OG Christmas. Everyone got to take a goddamn break. In fact, one of Caligula’s (everyone’s favorite emperor) most infamous decrees during his reign was to shorten the length of the festival to only five days. Dick. He deserved to be murdered for that alone.
Now granted, I can’t change a centuries-old tradition with a one-thousand-word comedy piece in a magazine with boobies. However, I can suggest batshit ideas that can improve the dwindling music scene in Portland. Multiple times between these flesh-filled pages, I’ve thought of some genius ideas for music festivals. The Naked Music Festival at Sauvie Island was my most shared piece. I’m really hoping someone gets on that next year.
Once again, the death of Music Fest Northwest and then Project Pabst is really leaving quite the gaping hole in Portlanders’ music-loving souls. Most music festivals dot the summer calendar. Why not cap the year off with a week-long extravaganza?! Something to look forward to. Something to put Mardi Gras to shame. Tear down the Christmas Trees and erect statues of Saturn. Either the Roman God or the planet. Who cares? Let’s make it fun. Replace crosses with sickles.
The easiest way to do this would be Tom McCall park, but I think to revive the true spirit of Saturnalia, it should work like Music Fest Northwest, where venues around town just host continuous music that revelers drunkenly bounce between. Instead of the King of Saturnalia, we could declare the King of Portlandia and parade him around on a throne of trash or something. In keeping the spirit of upending the social norms and reversing roles, bands could swap places with random audience members and let chaos ensue. The whole point of this multi-day celebration was to take a break from the status quo, which is something Portland and our society as a whole could seriously use.
Now, I realize the biggest logistical nightmare of trying to pull off an authentic Neo Saturnalia is giving everyone (at least in Portland) a whole week or more off. This seems impossible since, for some reason, capitalism will die if we take too many bathroom breaks. Asking people to use their hard-earned PTO or charging for such an event seems counter-intuitive since that defeats the purpose of a break from the grind. Also, it would just feed the corporate machine even more.
The solution: just don’t show up to work, everyone! I know this sounds a lot like Burning Man (probably the closest modern equivalent to Saturnalia,) but think of it as one that’s less dusty, closer to home, more inclusive, and less expensive. Everyone just don’t go to work! There have been online talks of a general strike for some time, but since the internet is literally the worst organizing tool, it never quite materialized. However, if we all had an incentive to ditch work (a week-long festival) and we all did it together, I don’t think there’s much they can do to stop us—power in numbers. Bosses would stew for the first day but then join in the festivities by the second when they realize the reason they worked so hard to climb the corporate ladder in the first place was to have more days off. Let’s do it together! Down with Christmas! Yo Saturnalia!
