So, it’s the holiday season, and for some reason, you were put in charge of hosting this year. Hosting, you realize late in the game, doesn’t just mean "buy alcohol and Coca-Cola for the guests," but also means you must supply something for them to eat as well. No, those chocolates filled with alcohol do not count. They may have sugar and calories, but they lack the ability for Aunt Clara to stop gulping down her red wine and nitpick everything she hates about your apartment. You need food for that.
Since the dawn of time, people have hosted parties for holidays, and no one knows why we keep doing it because none of us are religious anymore, and no one really likes peppermint-flavored drinks. If you drink peppermint schnapps, you’re from Florida, and I wasn’t talking to you.
So, what do you do when you are supposed to cook for more than yourself, and you’ve no idea what family likes to eat, other than you assume everyone likes cheese? Forget that Aunt Carla is lactose intolerant (remember, food is used to shut her up, anyway); you go to Allrecipes.com! Home of...recipes that exist online, with photo proof that no one on that site gives a damn about the quality of the picture of the final product or the recipe quality itself.
But that doesn’t matter when you’re desperate for some recipes that call for literally anything in your cupboards to just be thrown into a pot and left alone in the oven for 8 hours. Let’s start with some fabulous finger food...
Didn’t think tuna patties were worthy of being a holiday-time appetizer? Well, me neither. And after reading this recipe and reviewing the photos, my mind has not been changed. Use this to really set the mood for what is to come at your "event." Brought to you by a couple of cans of tuna (in water), ten heaping tablespoons of Italian breadcrumbs, a few more tablespoons of whatever hard cheese you have (even the cardboard stuff would probably be fine), and last but not least, hope that the tears you used to dry these patties out are tasted by your family. Pair with some sort of mustard sauce.
Who doesn’t think about chicken alfredo when they think of Christmas? Probably the family that eats this, that’s who. Everyone, who is anyone, loves chicken alfredo. And if Aunt Cassy is allergic to cheese, it’s already too late since she probably ate some of your hard, cheese-encrusted tuna balls...er....patties.
Brought to you by four cans of alfredo sauce, two pounds of chicken cut into chunks that come from a can, spaghetti noodles, and some Italian seasoning to taste. Doesn’t this sound delightful? Just like mama back in the old country used to make. Maybe. Happy holidays and bon appétit (that’s French, I think).
Okay, so it’s fair to say that I chose one of the worst-looking photos on this recipe site to represent this delightful holiday dessert, but I really couldn’t help it. It looks like they were going for the color green, but halfway between weren’t so sure, so instead, they put some red food dye in the marshmallow mix, and voilá...zombie holiday marshmallow popcorn balls! Brought to you by half a bag of cooked popcorn, a few tablespoons of vegetable oil, several tablespoons of store-brand salted butter, and some marshmallows, or marshmallow paste in the can, if you don’t have marshmallows getting stale in your cupboards like a normal person. Oh, and some green-blue, zombie-colored dye. For the kids...and drunk Aunt Cassy, who tried sobering up after you attempted feeding her all the prior cheese goods but got back on the sauce after she heard about dessert.
After serving your probably more-than-grateful family these courses, they may still be a bit munchy. Fear not; there is now a sub-category for snack foods that I just discovered was a thing. We’ll give the family something to nosh on.
I guess I needed to include at least one somewhat "holiday-themed" snack—and this took the proverbial cake. Reindeer food consists of everything you thought a reindeer would eat and things they probably don’t. Like this picture shows...Cheerios. Who is craving Cheerios in any mixed hand snack? I guess if you’re out of everything else, just throw whatever stale cereal you have in your cupboards, along with some pretzels (the sticks are the best, obviously), some green M&Ms (only green), and some white chocolate. When you take a picture of all of this, make sure the flash is on. Magnifique and ho ho ho!
Okay, so you’ve finally run out of food you had lying around your cupboards, fridge, and freezer. It’s time to break out the big guns. Liquor. If your family brought kids, those adults definitely need it. For the kids, there’s always water. You can tell them it’s fancy stuff that reindeer like (I mean, it isn’t a lie).
For the adults, however, let’s get a little saucy.
This drink was given a whopping 4/5, with seven people having rated it and only one person having shared a picture (Sarah, of course...and Sarah claims this is delicious). All you need to do is trust in Sarah, take some whipping cream, pumpkin spice, pumpkin puree, some pumpkin spice flavored liquor, and ice cubes, put them in some glasses, and freeze them. Pull them out, and drink, er...eat? Drink. Probably drink with a spoon. I don’t know, ask Sarah. Either way, this will have to do because you worked so hard at getting drunk that you forgot about pulling the pie out of the oven—which is why we didn’t bring up pie.
And that is how you have a successful holiday dinner party, alcohol. Alcohol, cheese, and Allrecipes.com. The holy trinity of all home chefs. Remember, it isn’t always about quality. These recipes and photos are proof that you can have a party everyone is sure to remember and possibly never wish to experience—ever again.
Hannah One Cup can be found searching for recipes to cook based on how ugly the photo is on Allrecipes.com, wrangling dogs, adopting dogs from shelters outside of Salt Lake City (another story for another time), and getting drunk at her family conventions, because ’tis the season for love, harmony, and figuring out how to fake these things. "Ho ho ho all my hoes, may your December be filled with better food than what was shared here, and may many very dirty martinis find their way to your mouth to wash down Sarah’s Frozen Pumpkin Spice Cocktail."
Hannah One Cup can hopefully be found safe at home at the time this is published, looking up people to write good reviews for—or curse at. They feel more worldly now and were able to figure out how to drink whiskey while wearing a rubber cat mask. They can be found on Facebook by their name.
