Cats are simple and easy. Right now, a large percentage of us have these tiny predators snoozing by us, just waiting for the opportunity to eat us after we’ve shucked off this mortal coil. To cats, we are "the help," barely worth acknowledging unless our service is required. Animate can openers. Cats are entitled nihilists, sociopaths even—more human than humans, though they’d surely resent the comparison.
Dogs are different. They’ve been bred to be "man’s best friend." I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of harnessing something as powerful and proud, as strong and fierce as a wolf, and then transmuting its form into a tiny, cantankerous ankle biter. Modern dogs lack the wild elegance of a wolf, surely, but where efficiency and ferocity have been subtracted, absolute loyalty and unconditional love have been transposed. Also, implanted with a strange combination of incredible intelligence and utter idiocy—animals that can detect seizures before even those who suffer from them do, but also who couldn’t be happier than when eating cat shit.
The first members of the dog family, Canidae, appeared 40 million years ago. These would have been basically just wolves. It took millennia before humans realized these doggos could be harnessed into strange, new shapes and sizes and used for more than basic protection and labor. Once we did, shit was unreal.
For those among us who love our retarded wolves, here are some random and unusual facts to retain or forget as you see fit.
Birdstrike is a major problem for airplanes. As I’ve mentioned in at least two previous articles (one referencing the amazing "chicken cannon," which I highly recommend Googling), this hazard is an ongoing problem at airbases and airports worldwide. One pigeon in the salad shooter blades of a 747 may not be a big deal, but how about a whole flock? The winner in Turkey Vulture vs. Biplane is a foregone conclusion. Scarecrows don’t work for more than a short duration, loud music or even recordings of tortured birds don’t work, laser lights are a non-option for obvious reasons, and despite the fact that giant, screaming, mechanical air demons are going aloft on a regular basis at these places, birds just can’t seem to be deterred. Enter the "Tarmac dog." One of the only (if not the only) consistently effective deterrents against birds at airfields. Unrelenting, passionate about their work, available for overtime, holidays, and weekends, and work for scraps. Best of all, they look better in hi-vis vests than any human ever could. Who’s a good boy?
Dachshunds, AKA wiener dogs. Damn, they’re cute. Sometimes a bit bitey-bitey. Prone to arthritis and also a host of other joint problems, these wacky little creatures are, in some ways, mystifying in their shape and size. How would humans ever breed a wolf into the shape of a literal sausage? How long must it have taken to get them into this form? Most importantly...why? The answer is badgers. That’s right. These wee little animate hotdogs were bred to exterminate one of the most vicious and insidious predatory mammals known to man, and damn if they weren’t good at it. Think of it—those tiny, squirmy bodies are perfect for fitting into the confines of a badger tunnel, and their wee, needle teeth great for tearing flesh and bone. The overlap between bloody, mortal injury, and "looks great in a sausage costume" is narrower than you’d think.
A dog’s nose print is unique, just like our fingerprints. This means if you’re planning on committing crimes with your dog, get them a rubber nose cover or something. Make sure that bitch Dolly takes the fall, at the very least.
When dogs appear to mimic catlike behavior, kicking dirt over their piss or poo, they’re actually doing the opposite. Cats are known for their "cleanliness" (those of us who’ve had them know this is a veneer, but whatever) in burying their splatter dumps, but when dogs appear to "kick up soil" in your yard (or god forgive, cat box), they’re not trying to hide it at all. In fact, their goal is to spread the smell, not confine it. Maybe this is why dog litter boxes aren’t a thing.
Greyhounds. Under the right circumstances, these smooth-brained, streamlined, loongdoogs can beat cheetahs in a race. While cheetahs can run twice as fast as greyhounds for a short haul, they can really just keep up that 70 mph speed for about thirty seconds. A Greyhound can maintain a 35 mph speed for about seven miles. So, the cheetah may start first, but a greyhound will soon overtake them. Proof positive that Chester Cheetah needs that sweet, sweet cheese powder to keep his shit in gear.
The smallest adult dog ever recorded was Miracle Milly, the Chihuahua. Born in 2011, Milly was under 4 inches tall and weighed in at about one pound. On the other hand, a Mastiff named Zorba has been considered the world’s overall largest dog ever. Zorba weighed about 343 lbs and measured over eight feet from his nose to his tail. He was, at one point, described as being about the size of a small donkey. I’m definitely left wondering how awesome riding on the back of a doggo like that would have been as a kid. Or, like, now would be okay, too, if the dog was big enough and could fly and journey into dreams and stuff, or whatever.
There is a real likelihood that this is going to be part 1 of 50 or so, as in the writing of this, I ran up against a wall of time, space, and intent—weighed against the sheer quantity of wonderful things I’ve come across making this for you kids.
Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle is a mama of other humans, dogs, cats, snakes, household spiders, garden plants, mushrooms, garden slugs, and various imaginary creatures. She can be found on Instagram as @EsmeraldaSilentCitadel and Facebook as Esmeralda Marina.
