At times in all of our lives, we need something extra. A little oomph to spice up an otherwise dreary or monotonous existence. Some people do things like ride rollercoasters, go skydiving, learn the bagpipes, travel to foreign lands, eat gas station sushi, or have their pet orangutan start bar fights. Some, however, take it straight to the bedroom. Nothing wrong at all with having a diverse sex life, but some people take it a tad too far. What is "too far?" Well, I’d define it as something that, if you went to a seedy sex club and brought it up to the guy wearing a diaper and holding a Wiffle bat (AKA Steve), he’d look at you like you were the weirdo. The formal definition of a sexual fetish, for our knowledge, is sexual arousal related to an action, object, or body part not normally considered sexual. I’ve thus taken it upon myself to do exhaustive research in an attempt to uncover and document unusual sexual fetishes for, um...science.
Don’t try this at home. Or do. I’m not here to judge.
Listed in no particular order.
Forniphilia, also known as a "human furniture fetish," is when a (living) person is turned into functional furniture for use by others who are presumably also into this business. I think it’d be odd if you both weren’t into it. "Hi, dear, I’m home from...oh, you’re a coffee table again. Hmm, at least there’s a snack tray." I’m not entirely sure how someone determines that they have this one, either. Most sexual fetishes are based on a formative, pleasurable experience with said thing, but how many people have any experience at all with either being furniture or wanting to use furniture made of someone else? Did they have a particularly sexy ottoman as a teenager? A foxy coat rack? Some questions might never be answered.
Coulrophilia is a sexual attraction to clowns. Yes, clowns. I can only imagine the dwelling of someone with this fetish. Their Blu-ray collection probably has both versions of IT, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Joker, C-SPAN recordings of Congress, and so forth. They likely have a secret box full of sweaty, used red noses and a penchant for yelling, "Oh, Bozo! Honk harder!" during sex. Given the widespread fear of clowns (coulrophobia), there are probably a lot of lonely coulrophiles out there, just waiting for someone to fill those big shoes.
There isn’t even a Greek word for this one. As with all properly bizarre sex stuff, this one originated in Japan. Ostensibly, it began as some kind of protest against their absolutely weird pornography censorship laws. Anyone who has ever seen Japanese porn knows that they have to censor it in all sorts of wacky ways. How lame. Often, they censor all the "nasty bits" but leave the rest alone. Who wants that? It’s like sacks of Japanese flesh slapping together without the naughty parts visible. No wonder Japan is so pent-up. I mean, these are the people who brought us bukkake, so what gives? Anyhow, what do doorknobs—and licking them—have to do with protesting for less censorship? The idea was that they’d perform erotic acts in a way that completely dodges the censors, by licking doorknobs, of all things, to show how silly the whole business is. Inevitably, what started as a pseudo-erotic joke, began giving people boners in short order. It became a big hit, and people all over the globe took up the practice with seriousness, as evidenced by YouTube during the COVID lockdowns. I certainly hope they Lysol the knobs before licking them. But then again...some like it dirty.
This fetish involves a sexual desire for being impregnated by an alien or possibly a very large insect. "How the hell do you do that?" you may ask. Apart from making contact with an alien race that desires to impregnate you (also known as "the hard way"), your safest bet is to purchase a sex toy specifically designed to fill this niche. Yes, they make these. Apparently, there is actually quite the panoply of them out there. They’re shaped like alien or insectoid ovipositors and have a canal through which you can squeeze presumably well-lubricated alien "eggs," which are bundled with the product. After this odd purchase, you go to town (or maybe to space) and squeeze the eggs into the orifice of your choice. That, or really spice up your arsenal for the next inter-office Nerf gun fight. The toys will set you back anywhere from one to 500 dollars. For the curious, aroused, or curiously aroused, search "ovipositor sex toy" and behold the spread. Interestingly, this one did not originate in Japan.
Are you one of those people who flips out when they run into a spider web or instantly go for the bug spray as soon as they see a mosquito? This one’s not for you, then. Formicophilia is when someone has a sexual fetish for being crawled on or bitten by bugs. Those who are into this simply put bugs on their body and revel in the delights of tiny little legs crawling all over them. I bet those agricultural supply places that sell gallon jugs of ladybugs are unwittingly enabling these people. Unsurprisingly, this is a popular fetish among entomologists. Whether they got into studying bugs because they were aroused by them, or whether they studied bugs and became aroused by them, we will likely never find out. They won’t tell us, either. Entomologists are a tight-lipped bunch.
Being aroused by the tears of other people. I suppose the old wisdom applies...the lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying.
Also known as "wet and messy" fetishism (or WAM for short), this practice is where a person is aroused by the sensation of wet and/or messy substances against their skin or becomes aroused by watching this happen to others. Common themes include having foodstuffs or other viscous things dumped into clothing while it’s still being worn, sitting on desserts such as cakes or pies while nude, or having slime dumped over their heads. Another interesting facet of this fetish is the gunk tank, which presumably is a derivative of "dunk tank," as that is what it is: a dunk tank filled with gunk. Gunk being things like pudding, gelatin, or baked beans. Yup, baked beans come into play here. Clinicians studying this fetish (apparently, people do indeed get paid to research sploshing) have not found any conclusive factors which might lead someone to develop this fetish, but the common speculation is that they were the ones who deliberately dumped their food on themselves when they were very young. My hypothesis is that they just watched too much "You Can’t Do That On Television" as kids. Something about Moose getting that slime on her head must have set their mental programming a little bit off.
There we have it. Those are some of the most unusual fetishes I could find, which had documented and widespread occurrences. To each their own when it comes to getting your rocks off, I suppose. However, if you say you’re into any of those listed above, you’ll probably get anywhere from a Spock-style raised eyebrow to people running out of the room seeking memory-erasing drugs. If you’re lucky, you’ll find someone who says, "tell me more." I also have the distinct feeling I’m going to be getting nasty emails from baked bean, er, "enthusiasts" after this one.
Stay safe, and make St. Valentine ashamed of you!
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a Van Camp’s stockholder, non-oral doorknob inspector, space alien with love to give, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, Oregon. He can be found at Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @Wombstretcha503 and on Facebook (boo!) and MeWe (yay!) as "Wombstretcha The Magniflcent."
