Exotic Magazine - Issue 348
Volume 30 - Number 8 (February 2023)
by Blazer Sparrow
First off, shut up. I am the words on the page, and you are a nudity consumer, so sit down and listen. And by listen—I mean read. I know you have work in the morning. Or are you trying to juggle multiple commitments you made that night cause you’re so popular—slash—have zero time management skills? I don’t wanna hear it. Please don’t show up five minutes into your friends’ set only to bounce after an unenthused "good show." On the local level, cross-pollination is literally the only way up-and-coming acts can grow a fanbase. You show up for the opener and you stay for the closer. Your feet hurt? Sit down. You’re bored? Go get a drink. You’re horny? Have a wank in the bathroom like a grown-ass adult!
I’m only telling you this for your own good. If you wonder why the dude you knew in high school who played with Portugal. The Man for a year doesn’t invite you to the sex and coke parties, it’s ’cause you continuously asked him this question when he told you about his shitty band’s gig at some community center or local dive bar, in the hometown you’re both trying to forget exists...
by Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle
Cats are simple and easy. Right now, a large percentage of us have these tiny predators snoozing by us, just waiting for the opportunity to eat us after we’ve shucked off this mortal coil. To cats, we are "the help," barely worth acknowledging unless our service is required. Animate can openers. Cats are entitled nihilists, sociopaths even—more human than humans, though they’d surely resent the comparison.
Dogs are different. They’ve been bred to be "man’s best friend." I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of harnessing something as powerful and proud, as strong and fierce as a wolf, and then transmuting its form into a tiny, cantankerous ankle biter. Modern dogs lack the wild elegance of a wolf, surely, but where efficiency and ferocity have been subtracted, absolute loyalty and unconditional love have been transposed. Also, implanted with a strange combination of incredible intelligence and utter idiocy—animals that can detect seizures before even those who suffer from them do, but also who couldn’t be happier than when eating cat shit...
by Hannah One Cup
Truly, everyone has at least 10 minutes of free time in a day. Whether it’s a work break or a day off (I hear some people saying, what the hell is that?), even if it’s not a full day, you have time to blink your eyes open and realize it’s a whole new day to start some fresh bullshit and pretend like you’re going to go start painting the Mona Lisa. Or at least make coffee and scowl at the plants you’re probably going to get to watering the next time you have five free minutes. You’ve already neglected them for two months...what’re another few days? Are they even still alive anymore?
Anyway, let’s get better at that, shall we? I have come up with a short list of things you should try incorporating into your already extremely busy day. If you’re me, and you work from home, getting the wheel rolling is a whole lot harder than it sounds. Apathy is real, and it’s a lie! ADHD, on the other hand, is also real, and there’s medication for that, so go get that taken care of first. Or don’t. Maybe do that on another day you have free. Or at least put it in your phone somewhere for this coming August? Yeah, that sounds about the right time...
by Wombstretcha
At times in all of our lives, we need something extra. A little oomph to spice up an otherwise dreary or monotonous existence. Some people do things like ride rollercoasters, go skydiving, learn the bagpipes, travel to foreign lands, eat gas station sushi, or have their pet orangutan start bar fights. Some, however, take it straight to the bedroom. Nothing wrong at all with having a diverse sex life, but some people take it a tad too far. What is "too far?" Well, I’d define it as something that, if you went to a seedy sex club and brought it up to the guy wearing a diaper and holding a Wiffle bat (AKA Steve), he’d look at you like you were the weirdo. The formal definition of a sexual fetish, for our knowledge, is sexual arousal related to an action, object, or body part not normally considered sexual. I’ve thus taken it upon myself to do exhaustive research in an attempt to uncover and document unusual sexual fetishes for, um...science.
Don’t try this at home. Or do. I’m not here to judge.
Listed in no particular order...
by Bryan A. Bybee & Barnaby Bandini
Local industry news and events...
Featuring Margot & Azra from Lucky Devil Lounge...
by Atticus Rexx
My customers are a big part of what makes my job enjoyable! However, there is that small percentage that makes it challenging and sometimes a living hell. These individuals, we call, The Problem Children.
Problem Children are reoccurring, former customers who have been permanently kicked out, also known as 86’d. Unlike most people who are 86’d from establishments, these particular customers keep trying to come back, even after being relentlessly told not to. We have Problem Children who were banned several years ago who still make multiple attempts to fool the new hires. Unbeknownst to them, the reoccurring Problem Children are the first ones we make sure the newbies are familiar with.
Now, before I continue...to appease the masses, I want to make sure it’s understood that my viewpoint on individuals experiencing homelessness, addiction, and mental health issues is not being painted in an unfair and biased light. I have experienced the trifecta of these issues. I used to be that homeless drug addict sleeping on the streets. So, before anybody passes judgment with unfair or prejudiced accusations, I have witnessed firsthand what that particular clientele goes through. Although it has made me more empathic towards those still suffering, I have a job to do, a business to run, and people to protect.
I do have customers that are still homeless and addicted to various substances that don’t cause me problems. Some of them are my favorite customers, and a few have become my friends. They sometimes help me remove a particularly stubborn, belligerent, or dangerous customer, and I couldn’t be more grateful for them. They are some of the most genuine and wonderful people I’ve ever known.
Since we lack security or a bouncer at the store I run, we all must learn to be comfortable with confrontation and learn to de-escalate a potentially dangerous situation. The hardest part of being a new hire is to learn and understand the balance of being firm—but not unreasonable—to customers who break the rules. Unfortunately, the only way to learn is through trial and error, and it’s not easy. You can always spot the veterans who have been in the business for a long time and have honed their tactics to perfection. But sometimes, even the most seasoned workers are no match for these people...
