Pirates of the Caribooty 2023
photos by Hypnox & Ralph Walker Photography
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Last month, we reflected on some of the nuttier facts about our most solid companions...dogs. The creatures who would, without a second thought, throw themselves into life-threatening danger to save you or your family. Who would, if you died, mourn wistfully over your bloated corpse and slowly pine away until they died of a broken heart?
So, this month, let’s talk about our...other most widespread cohabitants. The ones who wouldn’t sulk themselves to death and pine endlessly if we shucked off this mortal coil, but rather, who would start eating our dead bodies before we even went cold. Yes, of course, I mean cats...
I am not actually dating a senior citizen. I also do not care one bit if anyone is—and what their age gaps may be in comparison with their partner. Why should I poke my nose into anyone else’s business just so I can give my opinion on something that has nothing remotely to do with myself? But truth be told, I am involved with someone who, each and every day, makes me start wondering if it’s getting to that time of their life where I may soon need to sign them up for AARP and start talking about life insurance policies. They’re roughly 30 years away from needing any of these things, but sometimes their mannerisms make people around them ponder if they’re talking to their grandpa or not. Let us go into some details about what I mean by this, shall we? After reading this article, if this type of person doesn’t seem right for you, maybe get off of that oldermen-lookingfor-younger.com website, take a long look at yourself, and wonder if you yourself are not this old man...
We, as humans, like to celebrate things that make ourselves appear good, just by virtue of it existing in the same place as ourselves. It doesn’t matter if it’s something completely removed from anything we personally have ever done.
Sports teams, clean cities and towns, famous products made in our home states, notable individuals, and the natural features of our landscapes. We take great pride in all these things and more, but what happens when the area you’re from is terrible at something? Obviously, we don’t celebrate it, but it always lurks in the corner of our minds. What are these things, though? People exist, who take time to document them, and whenever we hear about what our state’s problems are, we tend to downplay it. "Ah, it’s not so bad," or maybe some modest grousing before we move on. Now, what are the things our states are bad at? I’ve done some research and compiled a list of the most frequently documented problems with all of our possibly not-so-great fifty states.
"Who does this research?" you may ask. Lots of places do, from academic institutions, on down to the government census bureau, insurance companies, and other such monolithic entities. I read as much about our statewide flaws as I could, so now I’ll share them with you all. Much like the people who figure out how much time the average person spends on the toilet during their lifetimes, it’s one of those jobs that makes you wonder how people get paid to do it at all, and you wish your high school guidance counselor had told you about how to get that kind of work.
Listed in alphabetical order...
