We, as humans, like to celebrate things that make ourselves appear good, just by virtue of it existing in the same place as ourselves. It doesn’t matter if it’s something completely removed from anything we personally have ever done.
Sports teams, clean cities and towns, famous products made in our home states, notable individuals, and the natural features of our landscapes. We take great pride in all these things and more, but what happens when the area you’re from is terrible at something? Obviously, we don’t celebrate it, but it always lurks in the corner of our minds. What are these things, though? People exist, who take time to document them, and whenever we hear about what our state’s problems are, we tend to downplay it. "Ah, it’s not so bad," or maybe some modest grousing before we move on. Now, what are the things our states are bad at? I’ve done some research and compiled a list of the most frequently documented problems with all of our possibly not-so-great fifty states.
"Who does this research?" you may ask. Lots of places do, from academic institutions, on down to the government census bureau, insurance companies, and other such monolithic entities. I read as much about our statewide flaws as I could, so now I’ll share them with you all. Much like the people who figure out how much time the average person spends on the toilet during their lifetimes, it’s one of those jobs that makes you wonder how people get paid to do it at all, and you wish your high school guidance counselor had told you about how to get that kind of work.
Listed in alphabetical order...
Alabama: Most Underage Tobacco Smokers
An interesting stat. My first question is how they confirmed this. Did they ask? Are kids reliable when talking about things that might get them in trouble? Or did the researchers simply go behind an elementary school and count all the people under 4’ tall with a cigarette in their mouths? A surprise spelling test can make anyone want to chain-smoke a pack of Camels.
Alaska: Most Chlamydia
Alaska is a very large state with very few people. That said, it is, according to state health authorities, a hotbed of chlamydia. Fun fact: they’ve had the highest rate of chlamydia per capita since 1996. They’re also high on (but not topping) the list for gonorrhea and syphilis, too. Whatever Alaskans get up to during their long winters apparently comes with some gross consequences.
Arizona: Just the Worst
According to a livability survey conducted in 2021, Arizona ranks last. Reasons include poor air quality, poor education systems, lack of public health services, the heat, the heat, and holy merciful hell, the fucking heat. Arizonans, not to be deterred, reassure us that at least it’s a dry heat. They’re also really bad at visiting the dentist, with some 60% of residents reporting they do not go in for dental care on any kind of regular basis. High heat, low teeth.
California: Worst Air
It’s no secret that Los Angeles has truly awful air. Seriously, you can cut the smog into slices with a knife. Other cities in the large, banana-shaped state which sport truly awful air quality are Sacramento, Bakersfield, Fresno, and Modesto. The last time I was in Sacramento, the first person I met tried to sell me crack rocks, so maybe there’s more to it than just car exhaust. There are so many reasons California might feature on this list, but air quality is apparently just so bad that it overshadows crime, cost of living, and volume of obnoxious Hollywood celebrities.
Colorado: Most Blow Fiends
Yup, the real powder in Colorado is the kind that goes up your nose. While I’m a big fan of recreational drug use, dealing with cokeheads is annoying. They always want to talk way too fast about ideas for a great new restaurant, which is typically based on a non-viable business model.
Connecticut: Highest Income Disparity
With a very high tax burden and seeming abundance of jobs, CT has the distinction of having the highest rates of income disparity, with the top 1% of earners making forty times the least paid. Yes, while the top 1% get paid more in most places, it’s typically not quite such a huge gap.
Delaware: Most Unfit
The people of the First State are apparently not very keen on exercise, with less than half of the residents getting regular exercise of more than 30 minutes a day. Why they’re so disinclined to work out is unknown, but one might blame a steady diet of scrapple, which is a popular meat product in the state: it is a collection of pig lips and assholes combined with cornmeal, made into a loaf and fried in slices.
Florida: Most Boat Accidents
Given that the Sunshine State is surrounded on three sides by water, there are a great many boats and boaters. Therefore, it’s easy to see how they lead the nation in boating accidents. I feel as though this statistic comes in at the top of their list because nobody has really put effort into studying that whole "taking bath salts and eating faces" thing they do in Florida quite yet.
Georgia: Most Corrupt Government Employees
According to an anonymous survey, some 658 government workers admitted to taking bribes or incentive-oriented gifts or payments in 2012, and then the state abruptly stopped taking surveys on this matter. So, if you’ve got money or gifts to toss around for favors, there’s the place to go.
Hawaii: Highest Homelessness Rate
That one came as a bit of a surprise, given that California and Oregon exist, but apparently, the per capita rate of homeless people tops out in good ol’ Hawaii. Many things factor into this statistic, namely the cost of living and the fact that you can’t just easily move to another state when you’re on an island in the middle of the Pacific, so they’re number one. At least the weather’s pretty decent if you gotta be down and out.
Idaho: Worst Drivers
I am baffled by this one. I swear that other states would easily edge out potato-loving Idaho in the area of terrible drivers, but according to a recent study by a car insurance consortium, Idaho is numero uno for bad drivers, but they have seemingly uncovered a weird dichotomy. Whereas many other states have drivers known for aggression and carelessness, Idaho apparently has two kinds of drivers: those who drive 15 miles per hour under the speed limit and those who go flying by them, aggressively wielding middle fingers. This leaves normal drivers in a sort of purgatory trapped between them.
Illinois: Mass Exodus
Oddly, the bizarre gladiator arena of Chicago is not the only reason that folks are leaving in masses. The other leading factors are extremely high state and local taxes, poor funding for schools, and some of the worst fiscal health among its residents. It also boasts the most jailed governors in the entire US of A, at four!
Indiana: Meth Central
Indiana tops the charts for per capita meth use. You had to figure one state would have to wear this dubious crown, and it’s Indiana. Given the somewhat bleak nature of the state itself, I suppose it’s not a big surprise that they’re drowning their sorrows in amphetamines. Unsurprisingly, thefts of copper wire are also quite high there, as well as twitchy shuffling at bus stops.
Iowa: Racial Disparity in Weed Arrests
Statistically, both white and black people in Iowa smoke the reefer with roughly the same frequency. However, if you’re a brotha or sista, you are eight times more likely to be busted for it. And here I was, thinking whatever Iowa had going on would be related to corn, not prejudice.
Kansas: Butt-Ugly Scenery
In a poll of Americans, there was near-unanimous agreement that Kansas has the worst scenery. Flat and drab is the order of the day in the good ol’ Jayhawker State. No other state’s environment was quite as negatively reviewed, though New Jersey did come in second.
Kentucky: Cancer
Kentucky is number one in the nation for rates of cancer. The relationship between this upsetting fact and the widespread consumption of fried chicken has yet to be probed, but I suspect there just may be a link. After all, what if one of those 11 herbs and spices is powdered lead or something?
Louisiana: Murder
Known for its raucous lifestyle and delicious creole food, Louisiana is also known widely as the murder state, though this moniker has yet to make it onto license plates. It is, and has been for some time, the state with the highest murder rate per capita, so come for Mardi Gras, but apparently, don’t look at people the wrong way, or you might find yourself face down in a bayou.
Maine: Lyme Disease
Maine sports the highest instance of Lyme disease in the country. I’d assume this has to do with the "hellish" volume of ticks that populate the state when it’s not frozen over. Lyme disease is no joke, either, as it can be incredibly debilitating.
Maryland: Baltimore
Also, in addition to Baltimore, there’s the aged criminal population. You see, if you’re over fifty years of age in Maryland, you have a greater tendency to commit crimes than people elsewhere in the same age group. You’re also less likely to do time for it, statistically, as the over-50 population of prisons is nearly 50% lower in Maryland than in other states, on average. The Geriatric Menace™ is real.
Massachusetts: No Happy Hour
Banned. They banned fucking happy hour. Why on earth would anyone do that? Also, they banned it nearly forty years ago, and there was somehow no major backlash. Unreal.
Michigan: Worst Transportation Infrastructure
Michigan spends a mere $174 per person annually to upkeep its traffic infrastructure. That’s not very much, and as a result, their roads and overall infrastructure are the worst in the country. Plus, there are more Juggalos on the road per capita than in any other state.
Minnesota: Tornadoes
You would think perhaps Kansas or Oklahoma would be the number one state for angry wind, but nope. Minnesota is, with an astonishing 2,052 of them documented since 1950 and 70 last year alone.
Mississippi: Shortest Life Expectancy
The average life expectancy of a Mississippian is a mere 75. Even though it has improved slightly over the last few years, given that in most states, it’s closer to or above 80, that’s pretty dismal.
Missouri: Most Backyard Puppy Mills
The Show Me State apparently shows people a lot of poorly treated dogs. Not sure why this is a Missouri thing, but apparently, there’s an incredibly high concentration of shoddy or just downright illegal dog breeders there. Apparently, nobody heard of just going to the animal shelter and snagging a pooch there for cheap.
Nebraska: ???
Nobody knows anything about this mysterious location in the center of the country. It is rumored that those who go there are never seen again.
Nevada: Absurdly High Divorce Rate
Well, what were they expecting when not only can you get drive-thru weddings, but drive-thru divorces, and your choice of whether or not it can be performed by Elvis? It’s just too tempting.
New Hampshire: Very Few Inland Waterways
That’s it? That’s considered the worst thing about New Hampshire? No oppressive taxes, angry hobos, crooked politicians, bad roads, or lake monsters? Nothin’? Hell, I might have to visit someday.
New Jersey: Speeding Ticket Kings
New Jersey hands out more speeding tickets than any other state in the Union, and they have speed traps every thirty miles. Furthermore, if you are caught going ten-plus miles over the limit, your fine doubles. Ouch. They’re so strict about this that they typically generate $30,000 per mile per year. What a racket.
New Mexico: Most Accidental Deaths
Pay attention, New Mexicans. Apparently, you’re screwin’ around too much, and people are getting hurt. Are the residents here simply absentminded, or just have cavalier attitudes toward life?
New York: Worst Taxes
Yeah, worse than California, somehow. The taxes in NY are, on average, 39% higher than the national norm, with your typical citizen forking over around $10,000 a year in state-imposed taxes, just for the privilege of living there.
North Carolina: Crap Schools
With the worst education system out of all 50 states, a teacher shortage, and huge class sizes, they’re not exactly setting the kids up for success—and it shows in standardized test results, which are vastly lower than the national average.
North Dakota: Nothing to Do
North Dakota has few tourist attractions, few things for people to do, and great distances between towns and cities, which are separated by vast expanses of nothing. That said, the low cost of living and low taxes mean people actually do live there. Apparently, there’s oil to be found there and not much else.
Ohio: Terrible Water Quality
Ohio ranks worst out of all 50 states in terms of water quality, according to the Natural Resources Defense Council. Yes, it even beats out Michigan with its famously awful Flint water, so definitely use caution if you’re hitting up the tap in Ohio.
Oklahoma: Low Produce Consumption
Oklahoma does not like to eat its veggies. A survey of adults between the ages of 18-44 reported only 4.5% of them were eating a fruit or vegetable every day. I wonder if there’s a lot of vitamin deficiency going on out there.
Oregon: Pill-Popper Capitol
We sure like our painkillers in OR, apparently to the point where it’s become a significant social problem among all sorts of people in all sorts of social classes, on a much larger scale than in other states. This has thus led to a crackdown on prescribing pain pills, which has mostly affected folks who might actually need them, so make your Oxys last, if you get any at all.
Pennsylvania: Terrible Bridges
There are nearly 23,000 bridges in Pennsylvania. According to the Department of Transportation, an astounding 23% are found to be significantly structurally deficient. So, with nearly 5,300 bridges in awful condition, it makes driving over them kind of a crapshoot. I hope your car isn’t too heavy.
Rhode Island: Worst Roads
The Rhode Island roads are not to be rode upon, at least according to a recent study that ranked the streets the worst in the country. For such a small state, you’d think it would be easier to maintain what I assume are fewer roads in total, but apparently, this is not the case.
South Carolina: Most Violent Crime
Not to be confused with Louisiana, which has the most murders, South Carolina has the most violent crime in general, so while you might not die, you certainly might get brutalized in some non-lethal fashion.
South Dakota: Lowest Pay
South Dakota has the distinction of having the lowest wages and salaries—across the board—for almost all professions, both skilled and unskilled, and in the public and private sectors. But they have Mount Rushmore! That counts for something...right?
Tennessee: Most Dangerous Cities
While other states may have higher totals of violent crime statewide, cities like Memphis are hotspots of murder and violent crime, with some 327 homicides last year in a city that only boasts 600,000 residents. So, keep your eyes open if you end up in any of the major cities Tennessee has to offer. Apparently, the rural parts aren’t bad at all.
Texas: Most High School Dropouts
Fewer than 80% of Texans have high school diplomas. Not sure whether this is related to modern educational curriculum, class sizes, teacher effectiveness, or some other factor I did not come across, but let it be known that they are the only state to dip below 80% graduation rates, so something’s gotta give.
Utah: Bad Booze
When your state is built on a foundation of religious temperance, you are going to have to deal with some strangeness when it comes to grabbing a drink. They have an odd series of rules. For example, stores (except liquor stores) cannot sell anything with an ABV of over 3.2%, which is basically like drinking the LaCroix of beer. If you get a drink at a bar, the bartenders are only legally allowed to pour 1.5 oz of spirits or 5 oz of wine at a go. Also, if you get pulled over on suspicion of DUI, their BAC limit is .05: the lowest in the country, so even if you do spend all day drinking watery beer, I guess you’re staying put. Also, Utah is one of the most expensive states to buy alcohol in. They’re making sure that you must do your damnedest to have a party.
Vermont: Drug Use
Vermont has both the fewest children and the most illegal drug use. Wait, that’s considered a negative? That sounds like a party. Get high, don’t worry about the kids, and eat some of that hippie ice cream. 15.29% of Vermonters admitted to regular illegal drug use, versus square-ass Utah, at 4%.
Virginia: Suicidal Deer
Virginia records a huge number of large animal/vehicle collisions, with more than 60,000 each year, according to insurance claims filed. The deer have a death wish, and they’ll take you down with them if they can.
Washington: Driving in Seattle.
I may not have institutional statistics on this, but from personal experience, I can say driving in Seattle definitely contributes to frustration, depression, and anger problems.
West Virginia: Fat Bodies
West Virginia is the fattest state in the nation, with 40.6% of the population being classified as obese. Possible causes include a poor diet, lack of exercise, and the relative deliciousness of deep-fried Snickers bars.
Wyoming: Suicide
Wyoming tops the nation for suicides, and it’s by a large margin. Some 29.5 people per 100,000 commit suicide in the Cowboy State, which is an astonishingly high figure. There must be something depressing about living in a big rectangle.
As we can see, every state has some point where it excels at being awful, even if it’s in a seemingly negligible way (looking at you, New Hampshire) or something very concerning, like Louisiana’s enthusiasm for murder.
Stay safe out there,
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a shaky bridge traveler, happy hour enthusiast, Elvis-themed divorce lawyer, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @Wombstretcha503 and on Facebook (boo!) and MeWe (yay!) as "Wombstretcha The Magniflcent."
