Let’s face it. If you’re reading this, you are probably a struggling musician. Guaranteed, you’re poor and failing in whatever artistic endeavor you do instead of therapy. I know this because if you’re rollin’ in the Benjamins at a strip club, you certainly aren’t wasting your time there reading the comedy pieces in the free nudie mag by the door. You’re likely trying to convince the dancers with enough of said Benjamins to touch your wiener in the champagne room.
Now that we’ve dispelled any misconceptions about you, dear reader, what if I told you there was a way that you, too, could be that rich creep? And I don’t mean giving up your dreams, switching gears, and taking part in some soul-sucking, capitalist rat race. That’s right; I’m talking about giving you three solid-gold bullet points to help turn your money-sucking hobby into a money-pumping hustle!
You see, I’m gonna guess that you, dear reader, have been going about this art thing in an honest and humble manner. There’s your fucking problem, you chump! No one ever got rich playing by the rules! You gotta learn to lie, cheat and steal since that is literally the only way to be successful in America.
I’ve been noticing a bit of a trend in the news lately. Most recently with Sam Bankman-Fried, everyone’s favorite baby-faced, curly-haired little con artist, but as far back as Elizabeth Holmes and that obnoxious WeWork dipshit. The Hollywoodafied mini-series that inevitably followed their respective downfall (don’t worry, Crypto Bros one is coming soon) show that America is obsessed with a fall-from-grace tale, especially if we can shoehorn in some half-assed morality tale about how dishonesty leads to disaster. However, upon studying these neat, packageable narratives and comparing them to the stories of successful robber barons from the gilded age and tech bros of the present, I’ve come to realize that they’re all the same! The ones that crashed and burned were just dumbasses that got caught.
The takeaway here is to definitely learn from these con artists’ mistakes and simply not get caught. If you wanna be successful, definitely pay close attention to how they lie, deflect, manipulate, bully, gaslight, and also think ridiculously highly of themselves. Why is this sure-fire recipe for success only used by entrepreneurs and other dumb things that spoiled, unimaginative brats want to be when they grow up?
Let’s take a page out of the playbook of the ultrawealthy! We’re not competing. We’re literally just using their inhumane tactics to get a bigger slice of the music market pie. The money is there. Headliners at Coachella and Lollapalooza are raking in massive paychecks for what is essentially a constant rehashing of Woodstock. Thanks to Ticketmaster’s surprisingly legal "dynamic pricing," the big names are making sweaty fistfuls of money at the expense of millennials desperately trying to claw back something resembling happiness. The money is there. You just gotta learn how to literally take it, like the "successful" types that get asked lowball questions from capitalist propaganda rags like "What’s the secret to your success?" Spoiler alert, it’s not a cold shower or a 4 a.m. wake-up time.
Everyone knows the best way to get rich is to already be rich! Duh! Jeff Bezos started his humble little bookselling shop out of his modest little garage with a measly little three hundred fucking grand from his parents. And this alien pretending to be a human has the gall to only offer coffee and bananas in the breakroom at his headquarters. Don’t wanna be too generous, right? Handouts never got anyone anywhere. Anyway, you better get on this neat little lifehack because most up-and-coming artists are already trying out this helpful trick. Look up your favorite new indie singer-songwriter and scroll through to find their parents. Notice how the links are always blue. Yep. The reason you’re still a pathetic, broke musician is you’re paying for things like recording and rehearsal space and instruments and travel and lodging. Idiot. Get someone else to pay for that. That’s literally how capitalism works! They even say so in anti-communist propaganda cartoons from the ’40s. They don’t even sugarcoat that the only way for an average dolt to start a successful small business is to borrow money from rich relatives. Seriously, look it up! It’s wild. "Make Mine Freedom," 1948, directed by George Gordon.
What do you think the stock market even is? A sick amalgamation of gambling and fortune-telling. One of the most successful traits of the yacht owners is to simply take money from folks and promise to give them something in return. You don’t even really need to give them anything, just say you will. Use bullshit word salad phrases like "return on your investment" and "dividends." The whole concept of venture capital, in a nutshell, is people with too much money giving it to slick hucksters who put on the best song and dance. Translate this to your failing business model for your dumb band by putting out a merch table with nothing on it! Sell the idea of merch. The gullible marks will think they’re "investing" in your band. Tell them they’re "speculating on market trends" and other made-up horseshit. This kinda already exists with Patreon, so why not just cut out the middleman? Instead of a merch table, just sit there with a tablet already loaded up with colorful "options." Invite them to buy a share of your upcoming album, which will be a huge hit once your band breaks. Not only will the poor sap receive a free copy of the album, but also a percentage of the royalties since they invested early in this golden opportunity! If the album doesn’t take off or never even gets made, that’s not your problem, but it is now your money!
What you may call a pyramid scheme, people who get away with it call it multi-level marketing (MLM)! See how much more professional that sounds? You’re not just selling merchandise—you’re selling opportunities! You’re selling the freedom to be your own boss and make your own schedule! So much more exciting than a boring T-shirt or cassette tape. You will literally get nowhere sitting at that merch booth selling cheap items with your dumb band name on them, one at a time. But! You can charge fools to be part of the "street team" and then sell them "discounted" bulk merchandise that they can then go and sell to their fool friends for whatever price they see fit. If anything, they’re ripping you off—you tell them. You’ll literally be making money hand over fist. Especially if you told the poor sap who made you the T-shirts that you’ll totally pay for them once the first batch sells out—keep reminding them it’s an investment!
You’re welcome, loser!
