So, this year has been...continuing, which I suppose is all we can ask of a year nowadays; just continue, keep doing whatever it is you’re doing, and make us a year older. We don’t ask for much other than to not be worse than the year before. But what happens when it can’t even do the one thing you ask it to do? What are you supposed to do when you’re not even halfway through the year and now feeling permanently blinded by the continuous onslaught of lemons life keeps squeezing directly into your already bloodshot eyes?
You keep going. That’s what you do. You soldier on, like the dog feces you just stepped in doesn’t exist, and you don’t even care about the smell because, at this point, you don’t care what anyone around you thinks. You’re basically just fighting to survive, so screw everyone else and their problems—especially if it has to do with something you did or smell like.
But this is so much easier said than done, and everyone hates when someone tries to solve their problems, so instead of directly involving myself in your problems (which I believe I’ve briefly discussed I don’t do in a few articles past), I’ll just give it to you straight, and on paper. It’s like a text you don’t have to worry about leaving on "read" and not responding to. Just read it and do what you want after. If that includes sending me a box of "thank you chocolates," I like dark. Real dark. So...onwards and upwards and forward bound, with the list I’ve created of ways to help you keep surviving after the onslaught of paper cuts and lemon (juice) has hit you directly in between your fingers.
Lemon #1 – Your car was in an accident, and now you have a rental, but only until it’s determined if your car is worth salvaging or not...and they have just now determined your car is not worth salvaging, so they are taking away the rental car...fun! This is a fun one. Personal experience has granted me the ability to tell you that this really is utterly awful to go through for the first time. I’m jaded about it at this point, but yes, the first time is awful. So, what do you do? Other than determining if anyone is worth suing if you plan to go that route, I suggest going on Craigslist and finding the cheapest car you can—title or no title. You just want something to get you to and from work until you save enough for a downpayment or outright cash to own a decent car. Several years back, I went through four $200 cars off of Craigslist in one year to save enough to place a downpayment on a real car. Sure, the radiator went out on a couple of them, and they were extremely clunky, but they did the job, and I was usually able to take them to a scrap yard and get paid fifty bones for the scrap metal. Win-win.
This is titled "Giving Up and Sitting on the Couch While Drinking Whiskey"—brought to you by AI
Lemon #2 – You find out your rent is increasing at its max, and you can’t afford to move or stay—this is another fun one! And usually, if I know my lemons, this tends to occur either right after the car scenario or right after the next lemon (which is also a doozy). What do you do in this situation? As hard as it is to say it, you have to ask for help. That’s hard for me to say and probably harder for you to do. If you have a friend, ask if you can pay them rent to stay with them for a while until you find a place of your own that won’t force you to sell plasma every other day just to keep the lights on. Times are tough, and most people can at least count on one other human being that isn’t a complete asshole and would be willing to see you get set up straight. So, couch it for a while, save your money as best you can, and do not stay at that motel on Southeast 82nd by the taco shop and across from the food carts. I don’t care how new their sign is, nor do I care that they still carry color TVs and HBO. Do not do it.
Lemon #3 – You lost your job, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Okay, does it ever come at a good time? Really? I suppose there are better times than others; for instance, you have enough savings (yeah, savings...wtf is that?) to afford at least one more month’s rent and utilities (hahahaha). But that rarely ever happens, and people rarely can afford that luxury. So, you lost your job, and you have no savings, and your apartment’s rent just increased right after you lost your car in an accident, and your Craigslist ’87 Corolla is on its last day before the temporary tag expires (and you don’t have the title to this thing). What do you do? Before you decide that all is lost, and you might as well just stand in the rain with your mouth open, waiting to drown like a turkey*, there is hope. Your job was crap—remember how crap it was? Me, too. Yeah, go find a better crap job until you find a really nice, not crap job. Crap jobs exist all over the place. They pay crap, and you’re doing crap—it’s just crap all the way around. But it’s paying, and you need that crap. So, put your resume all over the internet and walk into the day work employment building off of 82nd (a lot is on 82nd), and get hired. Yeah, you’ll probably be taking the bus to and from places for a while, which sucks if you aren’t used to it. But remember that dog feces you stepped in earlier today? Well, you get to leave that on your shoe and let everyone around you smell how crap everything is for you right now. You get to do that for free. Well, I suppose for the price of bus fare, but it’s completely worth it. So, tune in to your podcast you didn’t have time to listen to before public transit, and let that smell roam free around you. It’s the smell of new beginnings, lemonade, and dog poop.
*Turkeys do not actually drown themselves in rainwater by looking up. Thank you, Snopes, for enlightening me. But I bet they might try if they saw their futures come Thanksgiving time!
Hannah One Cup can be found infrequently at a couple of our watering holes in Portland, not trying to solve people’s problems while simultaneously not solving their own. She loves dark chocolate and whisky and was just gifted a large bottle of Malort straight from France...so come on over and have a taste of true regret! She can also be found on Facebook by her name or TikTok @thursdaynight_depression.
